She must be seeing a lawyer...what now?

[CountingCrows]

Hang in there A. I think you handled this latest "test" quite well, and stood your ground. I completely understand the swapping emotions of missing W then being completely frustrated with W. I think it sometimes helps to have the kid(s) to focus on, to help us remember what's the most important thing.

Don't have much else to say, other than the fact that you aren't alone, and you're in my thoughts and prayers.

- CC

[Awoken]

I'm deep in confusion again, or never really left it.
This will be long post, and thank you if you make it through it!

I spent most of yesterday working on my self-employed taxes, and going over details of our financial life, preparing for D. Both D17 and S13 spent the entire day at friends, and surprisingly W stayed at home watching movies. We were basically one room apart most of the time, me in the office typing away on the computer and her cuddled up on the couch in the living room.

I've been very calm with her over the last month, or more. I've given her space, and been busy being a father and getting a life. I do think I've been a little cold in my avoidance of her, and I was particularly angry over the D filing and it's contents although we haven't had a direct argument over it. I've been pondering Ready2Change's thread, coach's Plan AandB, basically trying to figure out how to be friendlier with her during this horrible time. She gave me a clue thursday on the phone when she told me she was angry because I leave the room whenever she is comes in (I assumed that since she is divorcing me this is what she wants). So, yesterday I made of point of greeting her when I saw her, asked her about lunch, etc. I was surprised that she just sat there all day. We are talking about 12 hours?

Around 10pm, I went out to get some cold medicine, and when I returned I greeted her and she says "you're welcome to come in the living room with me". I said ok, I'm not avoiding you.
She said "you asked why I'm so angry at you". Now, I don't remember asking that specifically, but ok. She then tried to explain in detail. She began with something that completely contradicted what she had said to me 2 weeks ago.

Here's the background:
2+ years ago, D17(then D14) called me in a panic because W had taken a bunch of pills, and was mostly unresponsive. W kept saying she wanted to die, and she was'nt fit to be a mother. I rushed home, called our health provider on the way, and eventually had an ambulance at the home. The paramedics determined that there was no danger in what she took, and W was much calmer. I got W an appointment with a psychiatrist in the morning. She has always resisted seeing mental health pro's, and I thought this was a good step. Normally she would fight me tooth and nail on something like this. She took several days off of work. After a while, she really seemed so much better. I felt like I watched her like a hawk for months after.

2 weeks ago, W told me that I blew the entire thing out of proportion and I never should have called the ambulance. Last night she told me that one of the reasons she is so angry is because she tried to kill herself, and I did nothing to help her. I don't know what to think. I do feel some guilt for not paying enough attention during the past year in particular, especially to her drinking. I've been going to al-anon to deal with some of this, but still it is something that weighs on me.

She also went into detail about how I've made her feel belittled. This I get. One of the things I've "awoken" to is that I've been resentful over her emotional detachment from me, and started battling her over little inconsequential things like how we decorate, or when we schedule trips, I suppose hoping she would demonstrate some deference for me. I don't think this was conscious, but it was definitely my pattern. I also tended to try to curtail her spending sprees, as they related to her manic phases. I was trying to help her, and I now see how that ultimately hurt her instead.

W then complained that since she had dropped the bomb, I had not really been pursuing her, and that she thought that was a sure sign that we shouldn't be married.

I told her I miss her, miss talking to her every day. And she says, "don't say that, I miss you too! I wish I could find you again". She just sat there on the couch, so I came over to her and put my arms around her. We hugged for a long time.

The kids were about to come home, so I broke off and said I needed to call to check on D17. W made some small talk about the D papers, saying that her lawyer had called to say I had signed them. I was surprised, because I haven't signed them yet! I told her, and then all tension returned.

Is W confused about what she wants, or is she just feeling guilty? I told her last night that I didn't want a D because I didn't think we had done any work on our M, but I was ready for one it that was what she needs.

[Dane]

Be careful, actions are what to look for not words. It seems fishy too me, and sounds like "script".

[Awoken]

Thanks Dane. It's a good point. I did think here staying home the entire day was different for her. She's not out with her new "friends".

My mind is racing again, and i'm sure it's not good that she's back in my head like this again.

I also need to mention that she's back to some drinking again, she had obviously had some wine last night and wasn't hiding it. I would think that she would be more careful about it considering the D.

[Dane]

The drinking is something I have noticed with my wife as well since dropping the bomb on me. It is a coping mechanism for their guilt, pain, fear or all.
I consider it a "tell" on how they are feeling. If they are medicating themselves, something is bothering them.
Actions are louder than words.

[Deep]

Marital history re-writing, pure and simple. Sounds like your W likes drama, so she'll seize on a flashpoint, convince herself of how you utterly disrespected her, and toss that into the heap of burning wood for her WAS mode / entitlement.

I've been through quite a bit of what you shared. The resentment at W leading to the breakdown of the M, the little carrots thrown at you now, the wish to "find us again". It's not all bad, but keep in mind a lot of it is simple guilt, cake-eating, keeping you as a back-up, and plain unwillingness to put in the work to save the M - for now.

I think you're right to the line in wanting your M and W, but setting certain boundaries and respecting her choices.

[Awoken]

Thanks Deep,

Of course, what I'm wondering is if I need to reach out to W just a little. From my point of view, we've done almost nothing to save the M. Still, I understand what you are saying, she is likely motivated by guilt, cake-eating, need for me in her life as friend. And I don't want to be her friend outside of a M.

Even as I type this, I know I've read these same words time and again from others here. Still, it's hard to get my mind around it for myself.

[givingitmyall]

Thanks Deep,

Of course, what I'm wondering is if I need to reach out to W just a little. From my point of view, we've done almost nothing to save the M. Still, I understand what you are saying, she is likely motivated by guilt, cake-eating, need for me in her life as friend. And I don't want to be her friend outside of a M.

Even as I type this, I know I've read these same words time and again from others here. Still, it's hard to get my mind around it for myself.

Hi friend. YOU cannot fix HER. She has to want to change for the better, just like she has to want to work on the M.Keep the door open, but SHE has to walk through it.

[January girl]

Of course, what I'm wondering is if I need to reach out to W just a little.

Here's what I'm wondering: How will you feel if you DON'T
reach out to W just a little? Will you have regrets and
wonder if's??

I know it's hard but you CAN get thru each day.

Keep you ears open and your eyes even WIDER open..
--just my two cents worth.

JG

[Awoken]

Hi JG,

Well, I reached out to her in a kind of way.

I had 14 days to get sign the "acknowledgment of service" from my wife's lawyer, and today was really the last day I had to go to a notary and get it done.

After signing it, having it notarized, and dropping it off at the post office, I sent W a courtesy text message telling her what I had done, saying "I thought you would want to know".

She was clearly upset about it on Saturday. Sure enough, no reply from her at all. I think I was better off to continue with no contact.