Most successful techniques when there's a WAS?

[Gardener]

Staying in the present works. (vs regretting the past or fearing the future)

This is so important too. You can't dwell on the past because that will eat at you. Work for a better relationship in the future and start making self improvements today. Learn from your mistakes.

Agreed.
Regret and Worry are twin thieves that rob us of Today.
And a hard habit to break.

[nsw1222]

Good advice everyone! Keep up the good work!

[Vulcanized]

What appears to be working on WAH is being happy, content, going to the gym, seeing friends, etc.

The downside is it makes him say [scream] wacky things like: you are a cold b!tch, you are delusional, and you are crazy.

[nsw1222]

When you say it's working, what exactly do you mean?

Do you consider any response, such as the hateful ones you posted, to be "working"?


Also, I wanted to add to the thread and say I've read "the 5 love languages" by Chapman and I've noticed a little more cooperation and willingness to communicate on the part of my SO by engaging her therough what seems to be her love language. Therefore its possible that speaking your WAS's love language sincerely and consistantly may bring about positive change.

[mb28]

nsw1222
I haven't had a chance to read that book yet. Can you give me some examples of what it talks about?

[Vulcanized]

nsw1222 -

The comments were during a scream-fest yesterday, which I don't quite have the time/energy to post to my thread yet.

The reason that I think my attitude/behaviour is working is b/c for the last 4.5 months, I've gotten total, complete indifference from H.

I believe he says 'cold' b/c I'm not crying, begging, pleading, fawning over him. Just being [mostly] content, confident that either way, I am FINE. Fine now, and most likely even more fine in the future.

'Delusional' b/c he says I'm not dealing w/D. H. hasn't filed for D; H hasn't seen lawyer. H claims to not have ability to find lawyer. I am pretty sure that my M is not going to survive at this point. I am rectified to this and to be absolutely OK with life w/o H. H seems to think that my being functional and not a basket case means I am in denial.

'Crazy' - don't know. H. alludes to me "doing something crazy" - will not get more specific than that. Best guess is this is in regard to OW. Do not know where this comes from; I'm not a violent/vindictive/vengeful person.

I don't know if my explanation is making sense?

I think H. is freaking b/c he sees that the dynamic is shifting, and he no longer has complete control over sitch. That's the feeling I'm getting.

Edit: also, for the last 2 weeks since I've been back in the house, interactions w/H have been pleasant, calm. H. has been doing little things like running errands for me, making coffee for me, initiating conversation, etc.

[MrBond]

Yep it all makes sense. We've all been there.

It comes down to CONTROL. They think they have all the control in the sitch and EXPECT us to react a certain way. It throws them for a loop when we don't do what they expect.

That's why DBing works. When you stop arguing and just validate what they say and live your life the way you want to, it makes the S stop and say "hey I'm supposed to be the happy one! NOt you!"

Classic.

[MrBond]

For me one of the things I did (not sure if it necessarily worked) but was to call my W out on some of the lies she was saying. I started validating what she was saying in the beginning, but as she continued, I decided that enough was enough.

When she would say something about our sitch that never happened, I would calmly tell her that it didn't. Then I would ask her to think what she just said and if it made any sense even to her. She would stop and then storm off.

Once she found that I wasn't going to be pushed around anymore, she started being nicer to me.

[Vulcanized]

Thanks, Stuck.

On a rational level, I knowthis, but on an emotional level, I just can not believe it.

[luvless]

Sure is a dose of REALITY....

and I too must look at this

I had no signs really - the thought of him "plotting or planning his exit" makes me want to throw up my liver!

It really makes me examine what I want here.