Getting Un"Stuck" - Giving My Burden to God

[MrBond]

Journaling:

Well the talk was unfruitful as I expected. But oh well.

Anyhow since then, I've been continuing to go out and work on myself. I've been going out with friends and when I do have the kids, I make sure they alot of things to do that my W doesn't do with them.

Last week was my sister's wedding. I invited my W to come and she did. We posed for family pictures. I'm sure she felt awkward, but oh well not my problem. There was a time during the speeches that one of the bridesmaids wrote about having honesty in the M and how you need it to have trust in the R. I wondered if any of that penetrated to my W in our sitch. Anyhow, during the wedding we carried on like nothing was wrong, she was back to her old self and no one knew we were S.

Yesterday a friend of mine had a get together at her place with some couples and their kids. Since it wasn't my day with the kids, I asked my W if she would like to go. She said okay and we all went to my friend's house. Again, she acted like nothing was wrong and had a good time. She kept to herself at times, preferring to play with the kids rather than with the adults. There were a few times when my friend, the host, would invite her to come back out and join us. I think she was probably tired from working during the day, but again, not my concern.

I dropped them back off at her sister's place and my kids started to cry when I left.

And that leads us up to today. I'm picking up the kids in a few minutes to spend the next 3 days with them. Can't wait.

[MrBond]

So my question for the gallery is...do I continue to invite my W out to things but not all since she's been receptive?

Or should I start cutting things off with her?

When I have the kids, she calls often asking what we're doing. But I don't want our M to be about the kids. It has to be about us.

Right now, even in her depressed state, I think she's fine at staying in limbo. Any other suggestions?

[pigskin]

Maybe rather than invite her, let her invite herself.

If in conversation she happens to hear about your plans with the kids and expresses interest, let her know that she's welcome to come. But don't invite her out of the blue. That way she still sees you as being friendly but not needing her to come along with whatever you've planned.

Just a thought.

[MrBond]

Thanks pigskin.

[MrBond]

Well a little update.

This week, my oldest D came down with a bad cold. I told my W about it on Wed. and that I was keeping her home from school. I also mentioned that I think she should stay home with me that night at least so that she gets another night of rest without be shuffled around.

She adamantly refused. She accused me of keeping the girls from her and even said she'd call the cops on me if I didn't let her take my D. Needless to say I was pretty pissed. I fired back that I never said she couldn't see my D and that she could take the youngest one. It's just that I felt it better that for ONE NIGHT she just stay and not be moved around. I also told her to never threaten me with the police again as I had swallowed enough of her crap and that I never caused her any issues or stopped her from ever seeing the kids even when they were on my time.

I told her that she had never invited me to anything when they were with her, which is fine by me, but she had no right to make it sound like I was "kidnapping" the kids. I told her by threatening with the police, that she had no right to play the "victim" card. I told her that I had quite enough of that. She tried to cut me off to change the direction of the convo, but I wasn't having anything of it. Uh Uh. No way was she going to keep playing the victim when she was the one causing everything.

She kept saying how her sister's place was where she lived now and it was where she was going to take care of them. I told her that in her whole conversation, all I kept hearing was the word 'I'. Not once did she mention what was better for the girls. So I called her on that to. I told her to stop being so damned selfish and think of the girls for a change.

In the end, she said she'd think about letting our D stay the night. Un-freaking-believable. Well that was in the morning.

Later in the day, she called, all nice nice and asked how my D was doing. I told her she was doing fine and said that if she wanted to come over like I offered, she was more than welcome to. She said she would and I asked her to pick up some food.

That night she came and was very pleasant and polite. After dinner I asked her what her decision was and she said she was taking the kids. Unreal! This is when my oldest D was sleeping in her room sick with a 102 fever. I told her no, so she said she'll ask our D. Of course our D said she didn't want to go, so my W left with our youngest. As she was leaving, she thanked me for staying home to watch our oldest.

Thursday my D was still sick so I kept her home again. My W came over to watch her so that I could go to work. Because of her attitude the day before, I expected her to whisk the kids away first thing in the morning when they got up. I was surprised when she called me at work late in the afternoon to say how my D was. When I got home that night, they were gone, but I got to talk to them on the phone to say goodnight.

So today my W calls me early saying how my D was still sick and that she's taking her in to see the doctor. I told her fine and that I would meet her there later in the afternoon. She called later in the morning and needless to say, I was surprised when I looked at my caller i.d. and she was calling from our home. The house that she pretty adamantly refused to go to. She just called to give me a status of our D and was again very friendly.

Times like this I think what works is to put your foot down and command the respect back from them. Once I decided I wasn't taking anymore crap from her when she tries to dish things out, this is the response I've been getting. When we're not like that, we get along great.

I keep having to think of her as a child who needs to be disciplined when she gets too 'out of line'. But be loving at the same time.

Gee what's that tingling between my legs? I think I just got my balls back!

[pigskin]

Nice work, Stuck. I would say that it was unbelievable that she would take offense at your concern for your daughter's welfare, but that behavior seems to be all too common for WAS's. So I guess it almost has to be expected and dealt with just as you did.

It's so hard to see such blatant selfish behavior and having the selfish person be so oblivious to it. I see it in my wife constantly, but try to roll with it as long as it doesn't violate boundaries. Sometimes she eventually realizes she was in the wrong and apologizes without me saying anything. The more she sees it in herself and sees me being unselfish seems to help her realize that she has issues that she needs to address.

[TulsaTime]

Good job Stuck.

Take things very slow and easy. Don't get impatient.

I see the kid ties as a good thing. No, we don't want that to be the only reason a spouse sticks around, but it can be an important factor in holding marriages together.

[MrBond]

Thanks pigskin and TulsaTime.

So I meet her at the doctors and afterwards have dinner with them. It was pretty nice.

Saturday rolls around and my kids are still sick. She comes by with them around 10 and I find out that the battery in my car is dead. She lets me use her car to pick up a new one and run errands. When I get back, I'm surprised to hear she says she wants to stay and give the kids a bath. So I let her and she hangs at the house till about 4.

She leaves to go into work for a few hours and calls later to tell the kids "goodnight". She tells me that she's just eating dinner that she picked up from Jack In The Box.

Sunday is uneventful and just hang out with the kids at home. She calls later that night to with them goodnight as well.

For someone who wanted to go out and live the life, she stays home all the time. I wonder if she's just comfortable hanging out in her depression. Of course, it is MY fault for making her feel that way. And it's too funny how she was "afraid" of me the other day, yet hung around to chill with the kids.

I think we should invent a "Wake Up and Smell the Reality" stick that we could bop our spouses over the head with.

[v1olin]

Do What Works! If putting your foot down works then keep doing it! Watch out for any tricks though. If she is playing nice then she might be planning an attack! Dont let your guard down.

[sandi2]

Well Stuck if your W is still not inviting you alone to things she does with the kids, and it is all pretty much one-sided....I think you should cut the invitations off. (and all at once, so she will get the right message.) If she says anything, just tell her that it is a two way street and you get tired of the one-way signs.

As I've told other LBH's, I think the WAW needs to feel loss or shock as the results of their decisions, and your W has had it pretty nice. You've really been NICE to her since the split and I'm thinking she hasn't had to suffer enough consequences of her decisions since she gets all this family togetherness. You'll have to admit that to be a S couple...this is the most together family!

I keep having to think of her as a child who needs to be disciplined when she gets too 'out of line'. But be loving at the same time.

Yes, I was talking about that on aNother thread tonight. I'm sure it isn't a pleasant job, but women will respond to a strong, firm spoken man....as long as he's not abusive, insulting, etc. And I know you aren't those things.

Hope your D gets better soon. When I first caught the words about "her going to the doctor"....I got my hopes that your W was talking about findly giving in to see a specialist. Oh well......maybe next time.