feel like giving up - talk to me!

[luvless]

Thanks Dane for your prayers - I really do need them!

Everyone else - thank you for stopping by and giving hugs and letting me know you're thinking of me - that means alot.

My internet and phone is still down so can you believe I had to come to a starbucks to get on the damn net?

Let me update a little...

Tuesday H was very distant and quiet (remember my friend came in that day) so it was unsual that he wasn't more upbeat or social because she was there.

Wed night he came home a little late - I called he didn't answer - my D called he didn't answer that - my younger S called - he finally answered and S says, "dad why the heck don't you answer your phone?" anyway...he came home shortly after that. Everyone was visuably upset he was later than usual - we all knew he was leaving in the morn and he was gonna make us sushi for dinner. I had everything ready and he just had to put it together so we had been waiting for a while.

Well he made the sushi and asked for a glass of wine so I poured some. We talked a little bit of this and that. He wanted me and the kids to go in the room with him while he packed. We all laid on the bed while he did.

I can't remember now but he said something that pushed my buttons and the duck suit came off. I went to the laundry room and he followed me. He said, "what's wrong" I said, "you are up to no good and I feel it in my bones" I said this in a frustrated tone. He said, "I swear on my children's lives I'm not doing anything." I said, "I can't believe you said that - don't ever swear on our kids."

My gut tells me he is and I felt like I was socked in the stomach that he would go to that length to swear on the kids - I didn't know who I was looking at - I felt so awful thinking...would he go to that length?

He has called me once a day so far - very matter fact and in the afternoon (not from his hotel room like usual) I keep the call short and his tone seems so cold. He is getting more distant by the week. This job has been a nightmare. He is gone way too much. Our family is suffering and my kids are feeling it too.

My best friend's and sons birthday was yesterday and I had this empty feeling inside with him not being around. My S (bday boy) said something at the lunch table that made me feel really sad inside all day. It was hard to hide it. We had such a nice time last night too (girls came over and we had a slumber party) it was really fun but there in the back of my head...my H is gone....almost not part of our lives anymore.

So....I'm just trying to detach really...it seems he is very comfortable being away from home without any reservation whatsoever. It is just a sad thing.

I don't know how much more of this I can take. It's just how I'm feeling.