H. has been laying out tests for me, or so it seems. So far, have been doing good [I think].
Early this afternoon, it was: will you be around tomorrow, as I'll be gone all day. Respond with: what time does the dog need to go out. He gives me 2 times, before I have to leave for work. Say 'sure, no problem'. Leave for work 3 hours early today.
Go get hair done, go to work, meet up w/friends after work. Come home at 1:30 a.m., H. still waiting up. Ask him about specific schedule for dog [still a pup, unsure of the schedule H. has put her on since I've been gone]. H. gives me times for 2 walks. Ask H. if dog should be fed dinner, and then 'Should I walk dog before I leave for work?'. This gives H. at least a 12 hour window to be gone. No clue where H. is going, and $!$# I WANT to know!!! H. responds 'I won't be out til 2 in the morning'.
Tide is definitely shifting; seems almost as if H. is LBS [judging by what he says] & I am WAW. I want to jump up and down. Ecstatic that there seems to be a very, very, very small modicum of progress.
M & H: 40 M: 5.5 T: 7.5 OW: 7/09 Bomb: 9/09 Sep: 3/10 H files 7/10
More daily tests from H. For the most part, not failing [best as I can tell].
Have been spending evenings [when I'm not working] visiting friends, going out, etc. Do not tell H where I am going, as he leaves many nights w/o so much as a word to me.
Wednesday afternoon, in back yard [this is in the middle of a large city, we don't live in a rural area] see falcon on neighbors t.v. antenna. H. is in his office, close to eye level w/falcon; send text to H to look out window. H. misses seeing falcon, but comes downstairs to chat. This is a first in months, where he wants to chat about random stuff.
Thursday, had plans to sit for a friend. Told H where I was going [which I haven't been doing], took dog with. H. for once tells me where he is going that night.
Friday, get home from work at 1:30 a.m. H is not there. Dog is not there. H. has to work at 7 a.m. Saturday. Find it rather strange that H not home. After 2 HOURS, finally realize H is not coming home. Have EPIC meltdown. Call my bff, so as to not call H & freak out.
This is the first time H has not spent the night at home.
[to be continued]
M & H: 40 M: 5.5 T: 7.5 OW: 7/09 Bomb: 9/09 Sep: 3/10 H files 7/10
More yelling, more screaming. I can't do this anymore.
H. is making it so unpleasant to be here, I am looking at apts. today.
For 2.5 weeks, I've disengaged H from fighting, being calm, pleasant, upbeat in H presence. Spending time out of the house, w/friends, at the gym, etc.
Saturday, major screaming match between us, and he tells me that he's grown to hate looking at me. H. tells me I am delusional, cold, crazy, unpredictable.
Since Saturday, H has initiated R talk 3 times. H becomes hostile when talking about R/M.
I really thought there was the swing in the right direction. That it was actually possible to work out our differences. Now I am unsure if that is even possible, or even worthwhile.
I believe that he is still having EA. He won't admit anything other than 'friend'. I assume the reason he absolutely refuses to try counseling/work on M is due to r w/ OW. I also assume that may factor in H wanting me out of house.
I feel like I'm very, very slowly going crazy here. This sitch just seems so hopeless. Any help/insight/advice appreciated.
M & H: 40 M: 5.5 T: 7.5 OW: 7/09 Bomb: 9/09 Sep: 3/10 H files 7/10
Found apt. Thursday. Tell H., talk for about 10 minutes, he leaves to go to hockey game. Also mention I am meeting w/L about financial aspects of D. Tell H. he is free to join me. H says 'won't that be weird?'. Ask for clarification, H. means in the sense of won't L think it's weird. Tell H. that L would be my employee, and as such, don't care much if L thinks it weird. H. tells me he is going to see L about 'financial aspects' - not about getting his D rolling, about the $$$.
When H. comes home & goes to bed Thursday night, I give him a hug. H. pulls me really tight, doesn't let me go, try to pull away, but H. won't let go. I pull away first. Dog freaks out; she seems really affected by the tension between us.
Get up Friday, H. leaves 30 mins. before I do to go to laundromat. Go to see L, get stuck w/paralegal who 'sorta' answers my questions. The only way to get more solid, concrete answers requires $$$ that I really don't have.
H. avoids me all day Saturday until I leave for work. H. leaves for band practice on Sunday & stays out until I go to work. Monday, H. spends day sequestered in office, door shut.
Today I put down payment on apt. Get home & H. is in living room. Tell H. we need to discuss practical matters regarding finances. H. then tells me that I think H. is incapable of making good financial judgement [true, have said in past]. The mortgage is doable w/both of our salaries. H. currently not working; have voiced concerns over losing house. Neither one of us can afford this place alone, but H. has a better shot at it. H. also tells me I think he is a 'scumbag' - never, ever said.
Tell H. that reading my mind and predicting the future will only drive him crazy. Tell H. if he wants to know something, to ask me. H. gets grumbly and says he doesn't want to know anything.
H. starts R/M talk again. H. says 'I never, ever wanted this' [referring to D]. I say 'I don't want this either'. H. says 'I don't want this; I have to do this'.
Say to him that when I was seriously wanting to end M, I asked him to go see MC. H. told me no. After H. said he wanted D, I asked again. Still said no. Set up appt. for MC, 2 mos. later, asked H. to go, again H. said no.
Am confused. H. keeps saying this (D) isn't what he wants, but he wants D. He finally scheduled appt. w/L for the morning. He's said he wanted D. 5 mos. ago, and now he's finally seeing L.
M & H: 40 M: 5.5 T: 7.5 OW: 7/09 Bomb: 9/09 Sep: 3/10 H files 7/10
H. saw L today. H seems rather happy that our sitch is uncomplicated enough that this can all be over in 3 mos. H. seems happy that this won't be expensive & destroy his credit.
Asked H. to clarify what 'I don't want this D, but this is what I have to do'. H. says has to D me, that he'd be happier w/o me. H. is currently in heavier contact w/EA OW.
I know I shouldn't be discouraged, but I am. Feel like H has delusion [2nd part] of getting D in 3 mos [time limit in PA] & living happily ever after w/OW.
Anybody? I am at my wit's end.
M & H: 40 M: 5.5 T: 7.5 OW: 7/09 Bomb: 9/09 Sep: 3/10 H files 7/10
After that convo, didn't fight, didn't show emotion, just calmly left to visit friend.
Come back a few hours later, had to pick up bar keys before work. H. comes out of office, and stands in kitchen, waiting [I assume] for me to come downstairs.
Say goodbye to dog, and cat, tell H 'have a good night'. H standing there all pouty again, looking like he wants me to console him. Ask him to take me to Goodwill today to donate some stuff.
H. has been on the couch for the last few hours. H. normally hides in his office b/c according to him, I've run him out of every other room in the house.
M & H: 40 M: 5.5 T: 7.5 OW: 7/09 Bomb: 9/09 Sep: 3/10 H files 7/10
H. spending more time in common area of house. H. initiating some small talk. I've said very, very little. Talking, laughing & playing more w/ dog & cat than him at the moment.
Friday after work, went to friends house during the blizzard [we got 28"] and spent the night on their couch. Didn't come home until noon yesterday. H. was in living room, said nothing about me staying away over night. When H. didn't come home 2 weeks ago, when I asked him where he was, he responded 'none of your business'. I had that response ready for him, but he didn't ask.
In the interim, H is in heavy contact w/ OW. 20 text ea. per day, 1 - 2 hour phone calls daily. This is going on as I pack up everything in preparation for my move.
Also, was suspicious that H. was reading my journal. Set him up Friday when I left for work. Now I know for sure that H. is reading it. WTF???
M & H: 40 M: 5.5 T: 7.5 OW: 7/09 Bomb: 9/09 Sep: 3/10 H files 7/10
Ruined, it sounds like things are really tough for you. I wish you were getting more input on your thread...I feel so new at this and don't feel like I have much to offer. One things is: don't make it easy for your H to spy on you. Remove anything private from the premises or lock it up and don't use a shared computer unless you know how to protect your privacy. Also, it seems that most advice on this forum is to "go dark" when when there is an A and make it clear that there is no possibility of working on the R as long as contact with OW continues. It sounds like you are still pursuing a lot: hugging him, initiating contact, etc. It will be easier when you move out, I guess. I wish you strength.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Ruined, it sounds like things are really tough for you. I wish you were getting more input on your thread...I feel so new at this and don't feel like I have much to offer. One things is: don't make it easy for your H to spy on you. Remove anything private from the premises or lock it up and don't use a shared computer unless you know how to protect your privacy. Also, it seems that most advice on this forum is to "go dark" when when there is an A and make it clear that there is no possibility of working on the R as long as contact with OW continues. It sounds like you are still pursuing a lot: hugging him, initiating contact, etc. It will be easier when you move out, I guess. I wish you strength.
That would be one view.
Something more accurate and more effective is to push them towards the other person.
"You can have that other person, I've decided I'm not sharing my life and marriage with a 3rd person, you want them badly enough, you can have them, I'm moving on with my life and everything new that comes with it, I hope it works out for you."
You don't tell them that you aren't going to work on the relationship while they're involved with the other person. That just communicates that you'll wait around until they've had their fun and they know there are no consequences for their actions.
Move on.
Move in the opposite direction.
If they're involved with another person, you begin social interaction with other people, ie. dating. You show them that you agree with their actions and that you want to do the same thing because in the end it's the best thing for you as well to be with other people who would value you and the relationship they have with you.
Don't follow your feelings, don't pursue them, don't try to be "best" spouse possible so that they can make the decision between the other person and you: you take the bull by the horns, you make the decision for them, you remove yourself as an option to them, you move, "I've decided this is what's best for me", and you move in the opposite direction.
You are pursuing someone who rejects you.
Read that part.
They reject you when you pursue them.
That is reality.
Observe reality.
Use it.
Move in the opposite direction. Remove yourself as an option, let them have the other person, because now they can't have you and you're happy (yes you're happy, read that part, fricken ecstatic, glue that smile on if you have to) because you get to move on and experience everything life has to offer you.
You stop pursuing them, you stop chasing them, you stop being nicey nicey, you stop buying gifts, doing chores, running errands, you stop being their spouse. You can be civil and friendly but you don't owe them anything.
You stop pursuing and they can't reject you. You tell them that it's the best thing that they found this other person and you remove yourself from their list of options. You've agreed with their feelings which up until now you've been fighting against and wow you've been so successful haven't you? (that's not a real question, you haven't been successful obviously)
So now we do what works.
We follow reality. We observe reality. We don't do what our "feelings" tell us to do because technically your "feelings" are responsible for all of your actions during his affair and your actions have been fighting his feelings. You stop fighting his feelings and he has nothing left to fight against.
You stop pursuing and he has nothing left to reject.
You move in the opposite direction and "move on" with your life and you've created space & distance between the two of you. You stop pursuing and you removed yourself as an option and all of a sudden his affair will become less exciting.
You move on with your life and appear to prepare yourself for a great new exciting "single" life and he will turn around and take notice and that's when the dynamic in this relationship will change.
None of this will happen until you observe reality and do what works instead of doing what your "feelings" dictate you do.
Do what works, don't do what "feels" right, otherwise prepare to keep posting hundreds of pages on your thread about what he's done and still doing and how you're feeling depressed and hurt and unloved and you don't know what to do.
