how do i keep my hope alive?

[trytryagain]

Diagnosed with adult ADHD, attended counseling on his own and eventually the 2 of us together.

You or him? If it is him, I can relate...having attention problems means that many things that need attention, including sex, can be missing something unintentionally while still making him/you happy or satisfied (otherwise known as unaware...or oblivious!)

he was diagnosed with ADHD. he does constantly crave social interaction and other types of stimulation, but even leading up to him wanting to separate, sex has never been a problem. in fact, i usually want it more than he does.

Things got back to good and I learned to heal the hurt he'd caused. Time passed, I pursued him, seeking assurance of his love, he withdrew. This is a recurring thing with us. In November 09, I told him I felt we were on different pages - we'd been talking about a home and starting a family (we have no children), and he changed his mind, which scared me so I began seeking assurance.

I read a book by Patricia Love ("How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It"). If he is the ADHD person, you might be feeling insecure by accident and he might not be able to see why. I don't blame him for not wanting kids with a rocky M. Would you want to be pregnant while he/you come to deal with ADHD, possibly meds, and more?
i did pick up that book and read it front to back in one night. it's made me see things from an entirely new perspective. but i often am guilty of forgetting that his brain doesn't function the same way mind does. and we both talked about a family, up until about november, when he suddenly changed his mind. even if he came back tomorrow, no way would i think about kids for at least a few years.

He has not moved out yet but plans to look at apartments this weekend. He also just got a new job an hour away that he starts a week from Monday.

Maybe you could let him know you want to move with him if he wants you too. The worst thing my W did was making me feel that the damage was done and that she didn't see hope in the M. After that, separation became easy.

he put a deposit on a place yesterday. he has made it clear he does not want me to move with him. he has also made me feel that the damage is done and he saw no hope in us. he actually told me he'd lost faith in our marriage.

I have read, researched, made changes, kept my calm, said all the right things, talked to a coach, prayed and prayed and prayed again...and I still feel so hopeless.

In another book, I was reminded to pray, but not to blame God for our personal mistakes. You mentioned being critical. Try being supportive. He doesn't want kids yet, let him know you'll wait one/two/three years before rediscussing it. If he is the one with ADHD, he needs a wife that can help him become better by filling in the gaps in his life where he struggles, not by telling him to be better (if you do this.
i don't blame god at all...i just feel like my prayers aren't being heard. i have been critical, and have done a 180. he just got a new job last week. i was nothing but supportive and excited. he leaves the house and doesn't tell me where he's going i tell him to have a nice time and don't ask another question. but i've told him already that i'm willing to wait 3-5 years on kids. i'm just worried about my ability to conceive and i'd be 35 by then and fear it may take me 5 years of trying (it took my mother 8).

I know you feel you said all the right things and you may have. But isn't how we react/respond/interpret part of communication?
good point. i guess i just mean i feel like i'm following the steps and the advice of my coach pretty closely.

No lying, no sneaking around. No lack of intimacy, no weeks without speaking, no days without doing things together. He is my best friend and I don't know how to keep up with hoping that my DB steps are going to work when he keeps saying he's done.

Let him know what you are sure of. It is hard to make a decision, D can almost be running away from a decision making it an easy choice. Maybe there is something else bothering him but he's afraid to say it.
it's sort of his M.O. to run away from decisions...that's more or less why we've broken up multiple times, including once after marriage. he says this isn't an impulse decision, but i don't buy that he honestly thinks D is easier than working on our M.

I hope I don't sound too much like I'm defending him - you seem very hurt and have the right to be feeling that way. I know what my W did/has been doing that didn't help and I want to encourage you to re-evaluate what messages you might be sending today.
no worries. after all, you're only hearing my side of the story, right?

'God's luck' helping you being patient...