Yes, during the MLC they lose their sense of self and also their sense of who YOU are--you become everything they need to rebel against: the mother, authority, the source of their misery, and they hurl accusations accordingly.
When my H came out of his MLC, it was as if he saw me again as we'd been when he met--he reminisced a lot about the early days of our relationship, and treated me as he'd done then. He had a lot of trouble believing he'd said most of the things he'd said while he was angry and in the tunnel. This was also hard, because I'd wanted him to apologize and take things back, but that's not where his head was right then.
I know that your H's behaviour is causing you a lot of pain, and I can feel the sadness in your writing. Perhaps read the resources on detaching again: I always found they really helped. And do something loving for yourself.
Hey OP- no worries, maybe it was meant to happen. Walking thought maybe H was checking up on me..perhaps even jealous which would be interesting.
Cyrena-that is a good explanation that makes sense.. I always kind of wondered if/when the MLCer comes out of their fog..how things make sense again. I've rad in other people's threads about the kind of amnesia many of them have about things that were said or transpired while they were abducted.
It such a weird psycholoical phenomena..I really wish there were more scientific studies/knowledge about it out there...
I am really sad. It would be good to really become more detached and I'm mad at myself for getting sucked back in..I'm finding it hard to process the divorce stuff(financial forms/lawyers' emails) and remain detached..because I feel extremely emotionally and financially vulnerable right now. Still working on it.
Thanks so much for the posts and support-it is truly appreciated. To be understood and not alone in this is a gift.
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
I found the explanations of the rewriting of history interesting, too. I have gotten all the typical script stuff, the never had anything in common, all that stuff. I too was wondering if they came out of the fog if they saw us as they did before.
I have spoken with three different counselors and none of them seemed to know anything about MLC. I have yet to find one that believes it/knows what it is about. You are right, there isn't much to be found out there as far as studies go.
I hope you are able to relax and enjoy the rest of your weekend!
The reason that no C knows about MLC is that it is not really a disease. The disease is the underlying medical condition. Depression, BPD,borderline(I don't know if I left any out). But the C don't recognize MLC as a medical condition/psychological. There is no meds for it, right KJ? Now maybe at some point this will change and I don't understand the medical/psch stuff enough to explain why. Maybe someone else can give us a more technnical explanation.
Since Cyrena had such a great explanation for me I went back to read some of her history/posts..It seems she and her H found a counselor that understood MLC and the teenage/mature brain dichotomy..not sure where she lives or how she found the counselor but that is hopeful.
The DB counselors I spoke on the phone with defnitely understood it. My opinion is that there is a unique set of criteria that a MLCer meets that could define it as a unique 'disease'/diagnoses, but that it is easily (mis)diagnosed as other things(depresion, addiction...)
I think if we took baseline hormone levels on people before, during and after MLC there would be some changes. Same with neurotransmitters(seratonin, norepinephrine..etc).but who is going to do that for a study or pay for that..who is going to identify the MLCer before they have a MLC?...Best we have info- wise is what we have.
Got a text eary this am from H trying to understand/explain what I had talked about yesterday in regard to our lawyers..I responded and shared how much it would cost me to do something my lawyer suggested..He misunderstood and said he was sorry that he'd tried to take me into consideration..then later said "we should look out for ourselves and not each other.Old Habit."
The spinning and reframing everything I do/say negatively continues. I should know better than to respond.
I'm not sure how we'll get through doing our taxes together..much less this divorce. Its hard to do any communicating when you know it will be twisted. I do think it unsettles me and makes me a worse communicator than usual because I'm always 'speaking on eggshells".. I guess we'll see.
Am reading "Rebuilding by Dr. Bruce Fisher" to become whole again, fill in my gaps...Trying to move forward.
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
Hi KJ = I wrote a long post to you last night and it's lost in cyber space. Bugger
Hey - a little 2 x 4 ...
Stop engaging in R talks with H. He's left, you are under no obligation to have those discussions with him. I know every centimetre of our conditioning crys out for feedback and resolution - but it's a cheeseless tunnel.
He gave up the right to discuss your relationship and the history of it when he decided to leave. Stop doing it. He won't like it, but so what?
He can't miss you while he's still got you ... ya know?
Last edited by Walking; 01/25/1006:47 AM.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Hey Virgnia! If your talking about the R talk over H joinng match.com you're spot on. Stepped right into that one.
I guess I'm not seeing too many other R conversations except regarding divorce details-can't really avoid those.
If you're thinking of something else that I'm missing-let me know. I know mentally I'm not trying to get H back. Emotionally I'm hurting, but I'm not pursuing or initiating contact.
One area I could improve upon is staying dim when H contacts me about anything but the divorce stuff or the kids. Haven't done that yet because I know H's response will be anger/hurt "Are we not talking now?"..and I'm not sure how to respond then. No response right?
I guess I've been trying to keep things friendly going through this divorce, but since H twists everything anyway it doesn't seem to help much.
We need a Divorce-busting guide to actually getting a divorce!
I'll try to have a stronger backbone!
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
"Are we not talking now?"..and I'm not sure how to respond then. No response right?
I am not sure about this but my thoughts are. We are getting D. Why would I want to talk to you? Why do you want to talk to me? You are D me. Maybe just the first sentence and end the conversation.
He needs to understand what his actions are causing and your actions need to respond. The NC is a form of communication. It sends a pretty clear message.
Seems like you should keep all communication down to just the kids and business and if he doesn't like it, I agree with OP in just reminding him that he wants a D. I know you want things to be amicable for your kids, but maybe the time isn't right to be "friends" yet. I know you are hurting terribly and he still is projecting so distance would probably be a good thing.
Have you looked into local divorce care groups at all?
