The adventure chronicles

[AFWAW]

So the wife called today and claimed she contacted a counselor to see if her infidelity would be reported to her work if she disclosed it during counseling sessions. They said no but would get back to her to schedule an appointment. So my wife says what now? I said, what do you mean what now? She said, well I've signed for counseling but I'm not going to go if they say they are going to report me. Ok, I got that, let's talk about this when it actually happens. She says, and if they won't and I go? I said, I already told you that if you go to counseling and that we could start dating to see if we can get past all that has happened we will see what lies ahead. At this point, I've made no promises to you. You asked me to do something and I've asked you to do something. I've honored my end of the bargain, I'm just waiting for you to do the same. She said, well, when are we going to start dating? I said, I've taken you out on 2 dates in the last three weeks. I took you out to dinner one night and another time out for coffee. She said, you're counting the time we had coffee? I said yes, we actually made a time to meet and we had coffee and talked and interacted, etc. The only difference between that and going out to eat is that one cost more. Should that make a difference? She agreed and said no.

Seems to me she is just checking blocks to see what will happen and doesn't feel like she's really committed to wanting this to work. I say this because of her what now attitude and also when I looked at her FB page today she has removed her married last name and replaced it with her maiden name. A sign? Maybe, I don't know.

Frustrating, really frustrating.

In addition, my daughter was upset with me because I would not let her go spend the night at a friend's house. She sprung this on me last minute and has been over to friend's houses and had friends over for the past month every weekend. When I tried to explain to her that I would appreciate a little more advance notice--like at least one day, she got even more angry saying I was being unreasonable. So she told her mom on the phone and told me after the fact that she had promised not to talk with me about it. She lied and my daughter got even more upset.

Anyway, when my daughter got off the phone, we had a lengthy conversation and I told her that I didn't appreciate having her mom talk to me about it since she didn't live with us and didn't necessarily know what was going on with our lives. I'm a reasonable guy so I asked her to explain to me why I should be more receptive to her request and to drop the attitude. She thought about it for a minute and said simply that she felt like she had done a good job with being ready to go in the mornings without having to be hounded to get up and get ready and that she had done her chores cheerfully without being told for the past few weeks and that because she had just completed finals week at school she would like to have the opportunity to blow off some steam and hang out with her friends at a sleepover.

WOW, I was actually impressed with her reasoning and told her so and of course changed my mind. She told me she was upset with her mom for talking to me about it and that her mom was a liar. Duh!

[AFWAW]

So the wife called back again. She wanted to talk about counseling and wanted to know what else I wanted. I said, let's start with the truth. She said, what do you mean? I said, you haven't been truthful with me. She asked what did I want to know. I asked her to tell me how many men she had slept with. She said, what does that matter? I said, if you ever expect me to trust you again, we have to start somewhere. Was it 1, 2 or 4? She said, I don't know, I'd have to sit down and count.

Are you serious???? You don't remember? How many seriously? she got quiet for a minute and then said 6. Are you kidding? no she said. I asked, when was the last one? She said about a month ago. I said, so you're really serious about reconcilling then I take it? I asked her why and I got the BS answer that she was lonely and it just happened. I said, you taking off your clothes and spreading your legs for another man does not just happen--YOU made that choice. She said, I knew you'd be like this. I knew you'd react this way? I said, OMG are you kidding? How do you want me to react? I said, so you think that you really don't need some kind of professional help? She started crying and said, I know, I hate myself. She said, I'd give anything to be home right now and wish this had never happened. I've been mean to you over the years and I know I've hurt even more but can you forgive me?

I honestly didn't have a whole lot to say. I told her I didn't know if I could get over it. I mean that's a lot to get over, wow. She offered to come over. NO, that will not help.

So, I'm not crying but I'm hurt. It doesn't appear to me that she is sincere about wanting to come home and the whole take the woman off facebook was just another control issue for her. I can't have a woman friend but she can sleep with whoever she wants. 6 men in the span of a year and I asked about her "lover" that is the man she thought she loved. She said, they had sex more times that she could count and that she knows now that he just used her.

I don't know what to do other than get a divorce. I don't deserve this. This isn't normal even by normal affair standards(of course there isn't a normal standard, I know but this is extreme). I am just really really really hurt and confused again. I feel like I can focus on what I need to like work and my daughter but I am disgusted beyond belief that the woman I love would have sex with 6 men and claim that I am the love of her life.

I really really don't understand.

[Dane]

That is some heavy stuff, you have a lot of introspection you need to do. You need to ask yourself if you can you forgive your wife.
Seems like a lot of therapy and counseling.

[SpyBunny]

First off- agreed, totally. Your W does need professional help for a variety of issues.

But I'm wondering- you asked her for the truth, but did you really stop to consider if you could handle the truth? Did you think beforehand how you would react? Was there an answer that would have been more "acceptable" to you, that you wouldn't have wigged out on? You already knew the answer was not going to be zero. So did it matter what the actual number was then? What was the point in asking- was it a test? Your W was taking a big gamble to answer that question- if she gives the "wrong" answer, she faced losing you forever, if it's an "acceptable" answer, you might consider forgiving her.

IMHO- I always thought that was a question best not asked until you already decided what kind of action you were going to take based on the knowledge that a spouse was unfaithful- the number doesn't need to be an additional litmus test. A person is not going to feel comfortable volunteering that information unless he/she is in a secure environment- secure meaning that the outcome is already ordained, whether it's D or reconciliation. He/she shouldn't have to worry about the answer influencing the other's actions.

One other point- yeah, it is possible for someone to sleep around and claim that their spouse is still the love of their life. She's not unique in that regard. My H was quite open about wanting to sleep with other women, but it was "nothing personal" about me, he needed "variety". And that was more important to him than my feelings. So yeah, my H has similar issues, he was just more upfront about them.

I hope you do feel better soon, AFWAW. I know it was a shock to hear, and it is a lot to get over.

Bunny

[Gnosis]

AFWAW I'm about to go to bed... was planning on giving you a longer answer.

Take some time to digest this new information and not to react. Give yourself at least 48 hours. Don't cut off contact with her because she will feel rejected. You don't need to see her. When she calls -- because she will -- tell ask her to give you some time. No explanation. Just time. Tell her the truth, this hit you harder than you expected and you need some time.

Try and get some rest for now. I know its not easy and your mind is spinning at 19,000 revs per second. See if you can do something to remove your focus on the issue temporarily.

Pat yourself on the back. You handled yourself with her admirably.

[AFWAW]

But I'm wondering- you asked her for the truth, but did you really stop to consider if you could handle the truth? Did you think beforehand how you would react? Was there an answer that would have been more "acceptable" to you, that you wouldn't have wigged out on?

I did, the thing that got me was she slept with a guy last month but she's been begging to come home since Sep claiming there's no one else, etc. That's what got to me. I've been reading Not Just Friends and one of the points in the book was that you cannot move on together without the truth. I believe this as if I don't get the truth, I have no basis to be able to trust again. I think I'll have a difficult time ever trusting her again anyway.

Your W was taking a big gamble to answer that question- if she gives the "wrong" answer, she faced losing you forever, if it's an "acceptable" answer, you might consider forgiving her.

Consequences to poor behaviour. She knew this already but if I don't get the truth then there is NO CHANCE ever that I would take her back.

IMHO- I always thought that was a question best not asked until you already decided what kind of action you were going to take based on the knowledge that a spouse was unfaithful- the number doesn't need to be an additional litmus test. A person is not going to feel comfortable volunteering that information unless he/she is in a secure environment- secure meaning that the outcome is already ordained, whether it's D or reconciliation. He/she shouldn't have to worry about the answer influencing the other's actions.

So what you're saying is that I should take my wife back and then figure out how many men she has slept with? I'm sorry but I have a hard time with one and the fact that she has lied to me for almost a year and is still making the choice to do this makes me feel like she needs to come clean before I can make a reasonable decision for me and my daughter. Her conduct is heartless and cruel. I will not make a decision to reconcile without having all the facts and truth.

One other point- yeah, it is possible for someone to sleep around and claim that their spouse is still the love of their life. She's not unique in that regard. My H was quite open about wanting to sleep with other women, but it was "nothing personal" about me, he needed "variety". And that was more important to him than my feelings. So yeah, my H has similar issues, he was just more upfront about them.

I hope you do feel better soon, AFWAW. I know it was a shock to hear, and it is a lot to get over.

I'm sorry about your husband. His behavior is cruel also and thanks for responding to me.

[AFWAW]

Don't cut off contact with her because she will feel rejected. You don't need to see her. When she calls -- because she will -- tell ask her to give you some time. No explanation. Just time. Tell her the truth, this hit you harder than you expected and you need some time.

Got it. If she calls I will answer the phone and you're right, I do need some time if this really is the truth this time. It seems like it is. Lots of crying on her part and what seemed like regret. I think the thing that gets me the most is that she's still doing this, that is sleeping with random guys. Who does that? And if she really wanted to come home, why dear God does she continue to act this way? It makes no sense. When I asked her why, she said she was lonely and that the last one had just been nice to her. UGGGGHHHHH!!!!!

[oldtimer]

She told you why. She hates herself. She's miserable and lonely. Someone was kind to her and she didn't feel quite so bad briefly, though worse later.

Imagine the kind of pain she must be in to be making such choices.

Compassion and detaching is what matters right now. Sex with those men is about her own pain, it isn't about you or hurting you.

[AFWAW]

So,the wife called this morning and says in a nutshell that she wants to come home and will be totally committed to me and us and wants to know what I want. A fair question I guess. I responded, I want a woman who's not going to cheat on me and love me for me.

She said, I don't think you're going to be able to get past the hurt I've caused so do you just want to go ahead and get divorced? She said that she would try to get the house refinanced in her name if I would move out with my daughter and that she has applied for a job in the local area. She said that she's tired of begging to come home and that she knows that it will be difficult for me to trust her she's tired of living in flux and just wants to get on with her life.

Sounds like she's ready to move on one way or the other.

[antlers]

So in one breath she wants to come home and be totally committed to you, and in the next breath she's willing to get divorced?

Wow!