H suddenly moved out 10 days ago...I'm devastated

[Onthemountaintop]

[quote=flowmom]

I had this fantasy of going to an intimate jazz bar with a male friend, someone who would make me feel good. I haven't done things like that for over 6 years. Then I was shocked to realize that every man I know is both a husband and father. Then I remembered a male friend who I had some "interludes" with 20 years ago who I haven't seen much of since becoming a wife and mother. I thought I'd reach out to him on facebook. He seemed happy to hear from me and suggested that we get together for coffee, drinks, or lunch. He even suggested going to the exact jazz bar that I had in mind in my fantasy! I decided it was meant to be and said yes. He is a husband (I assume) and a father, so I wouldn't be looking to flirt or anything. I just want to be with someone who doesn't see me in my current somewhat pathetic context. I want to go on a pseudo-"date" with no risk of it going anywhere.

The hardest part for me coming back to give my M another chance was that I began imagining myself remarried to someone else who would probably have baggage, but was part of Canadian culture (I met my W overseas). If you or your H begins that, who knows what would happen. Why not see if he wants to let you on his Facebook, instead? Maybe he won't reply at all, or won't reply for a long time, or even say no (and you know why...). Or just ignore Facebook...but don't worry about it if you can - live in the 'today'.

Kettricken's comment about the bomb - I have to agree. Imagine if he knew you went with a friend to a club. Wouldn't that make him ashamed if he had been holding back? ('Why should I hold back if she doesn't'). If he hasn't already let loose, maybe this will push him.

As a Muslim, my marriage advice might be a bit different - we believe that D is 'the most disliked of all things that is allowed by God' - do it if you can't work it out but try. One religious peice of advice I got was that I'm married now, so I shouldn't be looking at other women unless the D is done.

IF you want yoru H to come home, he may never. Still, if you do want that, be inviting and make it clear while giving him space. Don't we all run over the past too much - if I had just done that..., I can't help but think (I'm probably wrong, though) that you might be wondering how a different H could have made you feel had you married a different person.

Maybe your H might want to go to the Jazz bar you thought of or somewhere similar? If not, you could go by yourself at least having invited. Rejection hurts, but moving away from a door untried can lead to regret.

[Onthemountaintop]

[quote=OldPilot]

I don't think that H can support 2 households, so this is not a sustainable situation.

So if you stay on the present course and do nothing. What is going to happen?

I thought about going to a L, but decided not to. I had an agreement to use a mediator with my wife plus there aren't any costs (in my province it is free at my income level). I figured that whatever we can't work out might go to a lawyer next, but for now as long as W was being fair, I wasn't going to jump on that band wagon.

Still, OldPilot has got a point. Many lawyers will meet you for a 30 minute meeting. Can you hold back the tempation to tell him you went to a L? If my W went, I imagine I would feel angry and worried that I might be jumped on and end off paying something almost as punitive damages for being a male! I would get myself to L, too.

I wonder if those who got lawyers felt that it was one nail into the coffin?

[newmama]

Hi, Flowmom, I just read your thread in its entirety. I totally get why you feel you are not able to just get up and GAL all of a sudden! Citygirl is giving great advice...but it takes us all awhile to get there. I think we want the newbies to not waste time and to get started! People encouraged me here and I did.

Now I see WH almost daily as he takes care of our 6 month old S and relieves me. I USED to hang around the house and him when he is here. Over the last 6 months I:
1)make sure I wear make up and do my hair, dress nice (not in PJs)

2)clean and cook (didn't do much of either before)

3)joined a couple of classes at the local park and recc department (cheap and the classes are only an hour long so I can go and come back in the 2.5 hours that he is here)

4)joined some meetup groups on meetup.com

5) Have been steadily losing pregnancy weight

6)stay in positive, good spirits (although I used to worry that he will think I am just accepting the situation but I told him back in November that I do not want a divorce and he hasn't brought it up since)

Now leaving the house when WH is here has been hard for a couple of reasons. One being that I didn't have a place to go but now I have classes or I go watch a movie. (Again, the classes cost less than 40 bucks each and are 8-9 weeks long)

We drew up a parenting plan using the free documents and professional advice for what is best for kids from our local county court's website. We also drew up financial support using the childsupport calculator for our state online.

If it comes to D, we are DIY and using a mediator to save money.
I know you live in Canada but I hear it is a great country so I bet they have these free resources as well!

So I am just giving my 2 cents to NOT go out to that jazz bar alone with the married man! You can invite his wife, how about that? On the other hand, I am suspicious of his intentions if he is married and asked you to go! This is how it all starts, folks...

[flowmom]

Thanks for sharing what worked for you and reading through this long thread newmama! I am trying to go out when H is here, but a lot of the time we are putting the kids to bed together (which is a routine that is very reassuring to them). During the day H usually takes them out, but when he is home I often have to be home to work in my home office or do cooking/housework that I can't do while caring for the children (this has always been an issue due to S's high needs). I keep out of their way as much as possible.

This is how it all starts, folks...

I have to respectfully disagree with that. I am in control of my actions. Listening to jazz and having one or two drinks with someone who I regard as a friend would not start an affair unless we both wanted it to...and that's not what I want.

I'm having trouble putting into words why I want to connect with a male friend. Over the last few years I have become over-identified with the female domain and I've felt more and more distant from men as people. I want to remember why I used to appreciate men, not on a sexual/flirtation/validation level, but on a human level. I'm making plans to do fun things with female friends as well, but sharing a platonic experience with a male friend would be a 180 for me...a healthy one, IMO.

My plan to listen to jazz with an old male friend is not something that would have bothered my H or violated any marriage agreements in the past.

[newmama]

Flowmom, will the MARRIED male friend's WIFE know you are going with him? How will youknow that he will tell her?

When I said this is how it all starts, I meant the "just friends" part of inappropriate relationships that start with crossing boundaries. And you can say "I am just being platonic, chill out" ok so then his wife should be fine with it.
BTW if he's not married, then I do need to chill out! :-)

And my sitch "hasn't worked for me" YET... in process...
And good job staying busy if you have to be in the house with him while he's there.

[Cadet]

Flowmom, I responded to you on mb28's thread. Please read that. Rather than me posting it twice.

[flowmom]

Flowmom, will the MARRIED male friend's WIFE know you are going with him? How will you know that he will tell her?

I think we might be running into some cultural differences on this forum? Where I live, it's generally understood that spouses have their own agreements and are responsible for sticking to them. I've always been a "long leash" spouse, but I have friends who are "short leash" spouses. I do think that it's up to my friend to communicate honestly with his wife about anything that affects their marriage. A friendly evening listening to jazz is not going to turn my friend into a deceitful husband who doesn't respect the boundaries of their marriage.

When I said this is how it all starts, I meant the "just friends" part of inappropriate relationships that start with crossing boundaries.

We're already "just friends" and there's nothing inappropriate about anything we've done, IMO. I doubt that either of our spouses would be the least bit concerned about our commmunications or actions to this point.

And you can say "I am just being platonic, chill out" ok so then his wife should be fine with it.

My friend should have a very good idea of his wife would be fine with it. And if she would not be fine with it, he shouldn't do it. Period.

[flowmom]

Please come and join me on my second thread. I've expanded on our history for some context.