i thought was suppose to be unapproachable and not needy?!
Stop and think about this for a little bit. Better yet go back and give your DB or DR books another look.
There is a balance to all of this. There is a way to be strong, confident and content and not appear to be needy. It's not done by being cold, stand offish or unapproachable.
You are either on one side or the other here. I see flashes of the AYK that handles this well. You seem calm, confident, and sure of yourself around her in a nice way.
Then I also see at times where you become cold, short and unapproachable. That's not going to draw her any closer and that's probably not how you want to come across either.
You have to find a balance, a way of being calm, confident and pleasantly distant and maybe a little mysterious without appearing to be cold. There is no need to have this edge about you.
That tells me that you still haven't completely let her go. Remeber as well that forgiveness is a process and it's something you have to work hard at almost daily.
Every time you are cold or short with her it sends the message loud and clear that YOU aren't ready to forgive. It's not a sign of strength .
The balance is there and yes it's difficult to find at times. It gets easier when you come to the realization that this has to be about you. Who do you want t to be? A calm, confident, pleasantly strong person or cold, unforgiving and inconsistent
Your wife can read you like a book, she can tell if you have a negative edge about you. MLC'ers are pros at sensing your emotions, she can see them with ease.
Find your balance my friend, think about who you want to be for you and nothing more. Acting a certain way to effect her is not the way to go about this.
i thought was suppose to be unapproachable and not needy?!
Stop and think about this for a little bit. Better yet go back and give your DB or DR books another look.
There is a balance to all of this. There is a way to be strong, confident and content and not appear to be needy. It's not done by being cold, stand offish or unapproachable.
You are either on one side or the other here. I see flashes of the AYK that handles this well. You seem calm, confident, and sure of yourself around her in a nice way.
Then I also see at times where you become cold, short and unapproachable. That's not going to draw her any closer and that's probably not how you want to come across either.
You have to find a balance, a way of being calm, confident and pleasantly distant and maybe a little mysterious without appearing to be cold. There is no need to have this edge about you.
That tells me that you still haven't completely let her go. Remeber as well that forgiveness is a process and it's something you have to work hard at almost daily.
Every time you are cold or short with her it sends the message loud and clear that YOU aren't ready to forgive. It's not a sign of strength .
The balance is there and yes it's difficult to find at times. It gets easier when you come to the realization that this has to be about you. Who do you want t to be? A calm, confident, pleasantly strong person or cold, unforgiving and inconsistent
Your wife can read you like a book, she can tell if you have a negative edge about you. MLC'ers are pros at sensing your emotions, she can see them with ease.
Find your balance my friend, think about who you want to be for you and nothing more. Acting a certain way to effect her is not the way to go about this.
This has to be one of the best posts I have seen in a very long time!... explains the DB way with out corning the LBS. If this was only a sticky......
Change takes time. Real change is worked for and earned and it's the only thing that lasts. You have to set aside whether or not your spouse will eventually return and just do it for you regardless. It has to be about you..... because you want it for you. Regardless of the outcome here you can't lose. It's an added bonus when others (w included) start to notice.
Be patient AYK, you can't put anything in to practice for a short amount of time and just expect her or the dynamic of your relationship to all of a sudden change too. It takes time.
Life has a way of testing us until these changes stick and the only way they will stick is when you do it for you and only you.
Wife calls says I'm incapable of a light conversation, but asks me what I'm doing Sat nite, didn't tell her,she said she chooses to tell me what she's doing,she was rough and mean.Of course she defended her relationship with neighbor,i said don't have anything vs him, but don't like him, she got mad.
I did later text her hey I'm at blah,blah,blah and if you want to shoot the s&*( like last night,come by.
Friends dragged me out started out fun.
Wife's co-worker walks up drunk,wouldn't be quiet gives me the play by play of how wife planned the filing and was giddy as heck the day she filed.
I'll save you the details,needless to say it hurt,the woman followed me around to tell me everything,she was so drunk she wouldn't be quiet.oh well,vivid play by play.
I'm an idiot, i drunk texted wife,not anything angry,which of course wife came over the top with don't like this new me either."I'm looney,can't see that everyone agrees with her,i'm not God,can't judge her."
Of course I couldn't lose so I went back over the top.With facts,but it was just stupid,BAD AYK.
That was first time drunk texted her since July,it'd be too easy to blame it on the alcohol or her friend giving me the play by play.I know I did it to let her know she hurt me and really tired of her friends.
This am when I woke up hung over first thing i did was text wife,"can't tell or text u not keeping score and send some of texts sent u last nite.Not keeping score,our anger,frustrated by emotions.love covers all wrongs.enjoy the day."
I probably shouldn't have sent it,but I was telling the truth in the text sent her last night,but she really doesn't care what she's done.It was a waste of time, added to the justification.
The bummer was I went to a place 10 miles out of town, so I could be a stranger, not talk about me and BAM, wife's drunk desk mate gives the play by play.Desk mate even made fun of me for not seeing it coming.I did stick up for myself,said hey wife never lied before,said she'd call me when she wanted me to come home,so no didn't see it coming.I also told the desk mate,not angry with wife and of course i said listen she's having some kind of crisis,desk mate says you both are, said i agree, i've gone a little nuts.
I pray over and over,how do I let her go, only way she can get better.
I learned I shouldn't drink so much,haven't gotten drunk since day she asked for space, anyway, know that lead to my sunken emotions today.
literally cried all day, about her, the kids, then me, then how bad miss the kids and all back around!!
didn't get hardly anything done today. Wasted it for the most part having a pity party.
AYK, You are in the beginning of this long journey. Don't beat yourself up when you falter or screw up. Learn and pull yourself up and keep on going.
That you realize alcohol makes things worse all around is a positive you got out of this weekend.
What else did you learn? What would you have done differently given your wife's reaction? Those are the lessons to keep in mind!
What can you do/read/listen to that will help you find a calm center?-reliably- so that when you feel the emotional rollercoaster ride coming your way, you can avoid that ride.
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
AYK should I find a 2x4 and hit you with it so trapt, Mach and Jack don't have to! You have to learn to close your mouth open your eyes and listen. Just start with that one thing. No more texting, e-mailing, calling, talking to your W listen and look. That is it! Can you please learn this one thing? Go back and read your weekend if you had just followed the above rule you would have been fine. You might have been drunk with a hangover but you would have taken a step forward with your W, not 10 steps backward.
