Women with HD...is it true or just situational?

[TeaEarlGreyHot]

Originally Posted By: Walking

Try asking yourself what is it within you that has allowed this lack-of-sex pattern to be created in your life? You might be surprised at what you find out.

It's obvious at this point. I have chosen to stay with my wife up to this point.

That is not an answer to the question she asked. It is an answer to a different question. I know what she is getting at, however.

Let me use myself as an example in the providing an answer that may "ring true" for you, as well.

My wife would tell you (or anyone for that matter) that I attract "weird women." By weird she means quirky, not exactly in line with social norms, maybe even a bit "needy" or clingy in an emotional way in that they can (and do) tell me things that they say they have never told anyone else. And in the telling, they have taken the first step to healing. They then "need" me to continually generate that feeling of relief because no one else understands. How many affairs are created out of a sense of not being understood by a spouse, but by someone else?

I'm pretty careful on this point.

The explanation for the environment I create literally comes from my current wife's own words. I am the least judgmental person she has ever known...patient, slow to anger, giving people a lot of latitude to be who they really are. She has said it herself: I "give people the space and the safety to be who they are." Early in our relationship she was exasperated because I wouldn't be as critical and judgemental as she was about a number of things. Sometimes people find that particularly challenging because I can and do challenge them to be the best of who they really are when they don't necessarily want to.

My story is that I am "so safe," as far as that is concerned, that I give women I love the ability to have all the external appearances of a normal relationship just so they can be who they really want to be...non-sexual beings (with me) living an illusion of a normal relationship without all the pressure to perform in something which they either do not have or have lost (and in one case never did have) any interest. I am also willing to pass it off as being able to find "hormonal" women much like some dogs can sense a seizure in humans before it occurs.


In this case, I think like you do; I would rather be sexual with someone who is interested in being sexual (with me) than someone who "does sex" out of a sense of obligation, appearance or because if she didn't I would leave. The difference is that I have not been willing to do that outside of my marriage, it is not the solution that works for me.

Yet, almost everyone reading this knows that this relationship situation is not "okay" (yours or mine). In the name of love I know I have allowed this to happen.