here we go again

[Jstar]

i am so disappointed in myself. i've done alot of thinking and reflecting.

when we met i was glad to have someone so interested in me, i really did not date or see anyone seriously in a few years. i even just wanted to start and be friends, but things went quickly.

after a few months he was moved in my house and me trying to get pregnant. why? in my first marriage d18 now, i lost custody of her to her father. no bs he had money i didn't he had attorney in custody trial, his attorney was buds with judge. yes went to bar assoc. appealed many years.

i always felt a whole in my heart, against all my beliefs to not be able to raise own child, see her every day get up for school come home have dinner. i even got married a second time. never once did i consider having children with him. we divorced to hard he was from the netherlands his kids were there he was here in us with me.

with current h, we didn't get married rate away. after knowing him for a few months wanted to have children, i was what 37 nearing end of ability to have children. got pregnant, was rocky all through pregnancy, after d2 was born a month or two later i told him i was drowning in water screaming for his help, raising my arms for him to pull me out and he couldn't.

during pregnancy with d2 my grandfather passed away, mother passed away, father passed away. we were all very close except with my father. everyone lived across the street.

after d2 was a few months old h moved out. he was gone for 9 months without seeing d until one day he came out of the blue and said he wanted his family back. i hate myself for taking him back, moving from the family house to one further away and costing much more.

h lived with d2 and i and i became pregnant again. he kept doing the same things, priorities, mil first, drinking, friends, etc. i told him to get out. at thte time no car, carrying d and groceries, a lot of stress, etc i had a miscarriage.

found out i have a blood disorder that makes miscarriage almost definite. even though i carried teh baby to fourth mnth. messed with my head, i remember waking up after the d and c, screaming and crying i blamed h and was so mean, not to mention he took daughter teh next day and was gone for 2 weeks. i tried to committ suicide. my niece blamed him for baby passing away.

that's when his mother kept saying i tried to kill the baby. when i first found out i was pregnant i struggled so much. i felt so trapped all ready having a young child being pregnant with another, the baby probably knew it died for me and the situation.

so when i got pregnant again, every pain ache anything i was having a miscarriage. went to the er like 3 times for fear of loosing him. each time bymyself or with d2 because h was not around. it has been a very long road these 8= 8 1/2 months. i managed to work, take care somewhat my house, d2 deal with h leaving us, inject and be on meds.

i'm scared about money, love all my children which would have been 4 and need to be free from h. he will do nothin but drag us down. i didn't want this life for my kids or me. i don't think any of us on here do of split visitations, the other step parents, still having their x in their lives. maybe in my case he will do what is right and stay away permanently.