A Choice

[patpat]

.......but what I need to know is would you have shook your head and thought, "No way am I going to act like a WAH. I want to get her back, not walk away!"

This is hard S2... I think that I finally realized that detaching my heart from my sitch is what it takes to get the M back...

You explained to me what "dropping the rope" meant. I understood that when W left, shock followed... she wanted to run and I picked up the rope... only seems natural.

Letting go of the rope was WHAT was not natural and there was my problem. I could not let go of the rope. My heart did not want too. And it did not make sense to me. I really did not know how. And yes. I was afraid.

Could I drop the rope without dropping the rope. Maybe act like I dropped the rope and do all the things I needed to do, but inside know, I really did not drop it. I would not tell anyone. I would just do it that way. It felt better and anyone can act... I will try it and see if this works for me.

So I did... That's it. I put together something from various threads and advice that helped me to act out the WAS script. It worked for me.

My W is in hot pursuit. Problem is I dropped the rope. I practiced it so that I would not slip up. I lived it so that no fault would be found. She saw it and lost her mind. I woke up and it was my reality. I am the WAS... full of anger, resentment and fear.

I have become what I did not like. It has placed me in control of my sitch. Now, I am on the other side (without an A) and finding it hard to let W back in. The pain is much and not desired.

She has picked up the rope. It is no longer an act. I am running. It is my choice.

I think to answer your question... S2, in your own magical way, if you can merge the "dropping of the rope" with the "WAS script", you might have something, I do not know...

I am different right now... lost and confused...

I have focus on pushing W into the arms of OM. I have told her that she should focus on those things that she feels will make her happy. I have told her that sometimes the grass is greener on the other side. I told her that living with friends will get old and cause her problems that maybe it is time to gwet herself an apartment etc....

She cries and wants to come home... I refuse.
She tells me that she loves me... I tell her that is nice.
She apologizes and tells me she acted foolishly... I tell her ILYBINILWY.

She tells me that she sees only us in her futire... I tell her I want a divorce.

She cries and gets angry...

She calls and texts daily... seems like hundreds of times...

I ignore.

I am busy... Gal'ing. Making new friends. Traveling. Working. Finding my smiles in the unknown.

My 180's have drawn old friends toward me... allowed new individuals into my circle, and allowed laughter to take over my days.

I do not know who I am becoming, but I am smiling uncontrollably...

I am celebrating the death of a relationship...

I wish it could have been different for me. I still love my W. I do (in many ways) want her back and to save the MR. I just do not know that I want this anymore...

She is mean...