As for the OM who keeps calling. Start keeping a record of this. What he said... etc... And if he keeps it up. Go to the police. File harrasement charges against him. This is very serious. Be very careful here.
Keep up with the communication with old friends and family.
What was your relationship like with his parents ?
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
His father past a few years ago. He was elderly and in his last days when my husband introduced us. His mom has always been very loving towards me and very proud of me in terms of completing my education and being ambitious in my career. However, she speaks limited English and it was always hard for us to communicate. My husband used to translate a lot. She lives in Sacramento and doesn't get to Los Angeles much.
When I payed my husband a surprise visit a few weeks ago, he asked why I didn't knock on his moms door. To be honest, I'm not sure how much his mother knows about the current state of our marriage (infidelity/divorce). I do recall my SIL telling me that she favors her boys and will ignore their significant others if they aren't on good terms. For example, the family was not sure if my brother in laws 3rd child was his and that caused distance between he and his girlfriend. My MIL took her my brother-in-laws side and would not hug or kiss my SIL when she came to pick up the kids. She was very cold and distant towards her but eventually came around. We still don't know if the child is my brother-in-laws but because he already has 2 kids with her, I think he has grown to love the 3rd child.
I spoke with my husband on Thursday evening for 30 min and it was a great conversation or at least progress. We talked about his job, my job, etc. He told me that he played the playstation I bought him for 6 hrs last Sunday. He also told me his nephew still remembers me and always brings me up or asks about me. I haven't seen his nephew since he was a baby, 2 yrs old and he's 5 or 6 now. It was good to hear that I'm still remembered and I thought it was cute that he shared that with me.
I will continue to give him space but check in with him periodically to let him know I still love him and want more than anything to work things out. I will continue to leave the reconciliation or divorce talk up to him, no pressure.
Hi Shasha, I've been here for awhile and have read the book by Glass and would like to offer you some food for thought from another LBS.
First let me commend Cutterbug and Undefeated on their replies.
As a LBS, part of the healing comes from the realization and accepting of responsiblity by the WAS. It took both of you to get your M to a place where this was a possibility, but you are the one that made the choice to have an A.
In my case, I got burned more than once by a sense of false hope dangled before me by my WAH, only to be once again kicked in the teeth with the realization that he was playing me for a fool and buying himself time to cake-eat. The fact that your H is gun-shy is a natural reaction to being hurt. If you really want him back, you are going to have to work hard at building his trust and faith in you. Sorry to say, but your "word" may not be good enough anymore. You will have to prove yourself through action. If you are still in ANY kind of contact with OM, you are not serious about repairing your M. Unless there is a valid reason - ie: you have a child together, you are forced to work together, etc...there is NO reason for you to maintain any contact with OM and it would be a HUGE gesture to your H that you are serious.
Originally Posted By: shasha
No he does not know that I'm still in contact with the OM.
He suspects it though.
Originally Posted By: shasha
Please keep in mind the OM still calls me but I have made it clear that I'm no longer interested and have put GREAT distance between the two of us.
Change your phone number and email address, then OM will also get the message that you are serious. If he is still calling and you are answering the phone, what message are you sending him? It sounds like you are keeping him waiting, "Just in Case" your reconciliation dosen't go as planned.
Originally Posted By: shasha
I am already in the process of joining a different gym as well. My husband wanted to know if I had done that yet but I told him I was in the process.
This is going to sound mean but, what process is there in joining a new gym? Your H asked you if you have changed because he is looking for signs from you that you are REALLY taking the steps that YOU need to in order to try and work on things. I would think the gym thing was fairly easy and if you are serious, I'd make this "process" more of a priority.
Originally Posted By: shasha
Moving forward I will send him a THANK YOU card and put my address and phone # in it although he already has it and wait for an answer/response. I will practice patience and LEARN what it means to be patient and wait. I will continue to pray and have faith that he WILL come around eventually. Also reading the book is helping me understand my damage.
This sounds perfect. Give some thought to changing your phone# and email address. You could explain that you are doing that as an act of commitment to your H and repairing your M.
These are just my opinions, take them or leave them but know that reconcilliation is hard and is a lot of 1 step forward, 2 steps back.
I'll keep checking on you and best of luck.
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
Sugar and Spice took the words right out of my mouth! Take it seriously. This is no halfway effort. Either you are done with the OM and working on your M or you're not. No middle ground.
And patience is not a virtue, as it is claimed. Patience is a survival skill.
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
Hello All I just wanted to stop by and let you know that I mailed off a THANK YOU card to my husband on yesterday and he should get it today. In the card I also asked him if we could go out on another date (Feb. 14th) and that I would fly there. I also made sure to include my phone # again although he has it.
I hope he will at least calls me to accept or decline but based on his actions as of late....I won't hold my breath but I must try to stay positive. I've never experienced so much rejection in my life but this IS what infidelity will do to a M.
I also wanted to explain that part of the reason (although NO EXCUSE FOR INFIDELITY) was that I felt as though my husband had already left me mentally, emotionally, and sexually for quite sometime. In this aspect I would consider myself to be the LBS.
I also wanted to ask some of you that have been the WAS if you ever felt like maybe you should give up on your marriage if your spouse doesn't "appear" as though they want to work the marriage out? As of late I find myself sometimes having mixed feelings. I wonder if maybe my H really wanted to be married to me OR maybe after we married he realized that he was NOT willing to make such a commitment and that's why it was hard to put me and our M first. When I saw him a few weeks ago I asked him if he could honestly say he put me and our marriage and he said, YES for the most part. I don't agree and I think he knows that he did NOT for the most part put me or the M first. Things were not this way in the beginning. Anyhow, sometimes these thoughts enter my mind and I think that maybe the reason he doesn't reach out to me is because the D is what he really wants and he could not phathom explaining to his FAMILY taking me back after the infidelity. Therefore, its easier to sit back and allow me to continue to call and make an effort while he continues to be withdrawn. Once again putting his family before our M.
Hi Shasha, I have been lurking but just want to respond to your last post. Good job taking the advice given and for wantimg to repair your M. Most likely your BH has been devestated by your affair, shocked that you'd ever betray him, distrustful and wary of your actions. He needs to see consistent change and effort on your part. IMO his distant behavior is a reflection of what I just listed. And of course he is conflicted about whether to stay married. If you give up now, it will show him that he was right to not believe you wanted to recommit to the marriage. He needs to see that you are serious and really truly want this to work. True remorse is doing whatever it takes. Now is also not the time to criticize BS for his faults. (I know it doesn't seem fair but you were the one to have an A so you have to clean that up first). Once you reconcile, then it will be fair to be honest about the areas that you need to see improvement.
I hope I didn't come across as too harsh; just want to be honest and DISCOURAGE YOU FROM GIVING UP SO SOON! :-)
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
I prepair physically and mentally for my run. Physically I start slowly. I build up to my running speed. Always making sure that I will not stress my cardio. Then a few minutes into the run. I take off and I am pounding down the streets. Each step takes me one step further away from where I started. Then at the 11 minute mark I stop and walk and reflect for a minute on how my body feels , and I look around at how far I have come. Then I take off again for another 10 minutes. Then at the 22nd minute mark I stop and walk and reflect for a minute on how my body feels , and I look around at how far I have come. I repeat this until I am done. I always know when I am done. Because I have reached my goal. Some days this is a short dash. But I make sure one day each week it is a slow long run to build endurance and patience.
My mind. Well, I exercise that as well. At the beginning I blank it out. And empty page. My thoughts stop. I start to warm up. Soon my thoughts drip upon this empty page. I let them randomly surface. I keep them coming. At the 11 minute mark I allow my mind to stop and reflect for a minute on how my mind feels , and I think about how far I have come. Then I set a goal. Within 10 minutes I will have the theme for this run. Then I am off again. At the 22nd minute I have my quote for my run. I reflect upon it for a minute. Then for the rest of todays run I think about that quote.
Todays quote since you are wondering.
I cannot love you I cannot love a woman that cannot learn to love herself I will not love a woman that will not love herself The wall has collapsed Those bricks that lay about your feet Those bricks are just a sad reminder of your former glory
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
I hope he will at least calls me to accept or decline but based on his actions as of late....I won't hold my breath but I must try to stay positive. I've never experienced so much rejection in my life but this IS what infidelity will do to a M.
Rejection is hard at any time, but excruciating from the one we love. Consider this a taste of karma, perhaps. Having an A is a rejection of everything we ever promised them we'd be or do.
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I also wanted to explain that part of the reason (although NO EXCUSE FOR INFIDELITY) was that I felt as though my husband had already left me mentally, emotionally, and sexually for quite sometime. In this aspect I would consider myself to be the LBS.
You may be right here, but let me offer an alternative theory. We as WAS and the cheater have selective memory, even after the end of the A. (Actually, technically everyone has selective memory, but I digress.) I, for instance, remember that my ex OM went out of his way to do nice things for me. He always smiled when he saw me, always told me how much he loved me. We always had amazing sex. And my H was so vindictive. He only wanted to be sure that I couldn't be happy. He didn't care about me; he never did nice things for me. He barely even touched me. And he never had anything nice to say to me, even before I met ex OM.
Hopefully you can see the flaws in these "memories." It's absolute crap. My ex OM left me for another of our close friends and proceeded to give her every single empty promise and declaration of love that he had previously lavished on me. Far from not caring, my H fought me tooth and nail every step of the way, refusing to relinquish our M because I was acting like an idiot. I know that. But it's hard to remember it that way right now.
It's easy to get angry now, as my H rejects me and lays his heart bare for another woman. Sometimes, I am sad to admit, I even think of how unfair it was for him to deny me possible happiness with my ex OM if he was just going to leave me anyway. (Absolutely NO logic in that one!)
The point is, memories are tricky. It's part of the reason focusing on the present and the future is so much more productive. Things I remember with stunning clarity, my H recalls entirely differently. What yours did or did not do is somewhat irrelevant at this moment. Figuring out which category(s) you fit into does not move your marriage reconciliation forward.
Quote:
I also wanted to ask some of you that have been the WAS if you ever felt like maybe you should give up on your marriage if your spouse doesn't "appear" as though they want to work the marriage out?
Well, I can't think of many things that say "I don't want to work on our marriage" like a LBS turned WAS in an A. My H doesn't appear to want anything but a nanny, cook, housekeeper, and personal assistant right now. And yes, absolutely I feel sometimes as though this fight isn't worth finishing. Haven't I gone through enough? And I suppose the answer is yes...if I'm willing to be less committed than he was.
It's true, you can't force your H to take you back. But it's what you want. So what is the price of reconciliation? I guarantee it's far higher for him in trusting someone who has hurt him than for you in accepting his hesitance and even some rejection.
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
Thanks undefeated! Yes, I do consider this a taste of karma. I do recall in some of my earlier conversations with H that HE thought that the only reason I wanted R was because it didn't work out with the OM. He also said maybe OM could do a better job than him. I assured him this was NOT the case and that I loved him very much.
That being said, I'm sure he will remain cautious for quite some time. I'm certain that he has received my THANK YOU card with an invitation to spend Valentine's Day together but I have not received a response but am patient and cannot be angry if he chooses not to reply. Karma is a mutha...
Interesting you mentioned "selective memory" because I recall thinking that my OM treated me a lot better than my husband in the beginning and then shortly there after I started to realize the OM could NEVER compare to my H.
I still however, realize my contributions to the decline in my marriage prior to separation and have apologized to my H without making excuses which was HUGE for me but necessary and well needed.
Again thank you everyone for taking the time to listen and respond to me. I truly appreciate it.
Sasha, I have to point out a couple of things for you that may help.
1. You MUST CHANGE ALL YOUR CONTACT INFO that the OM has. 2. You MUST GIVE THE NEW CONTACT INFO to your H... and TELL HIM you want to be SAFE and don't want ANYTHING TO DO WITH OM. 3. Don't DRINK at all... if your OM calls when you have been drinking you are vulnerable.
When you keep your old phone number, email address, etc you are sending two messages : one to OM, and one to your H
Message to OM : I want you to have my number/e-mail still. I want you to be able to contact me.
Message to H : My affair isn't over... I am playing both sides of the fence still.
Is THAT the message you want your H to hear? Or the OM? That's what MEN in their situations hear.
Change your phone number, change your email, change your darn gym and ANYTHING ELSE that associates you with the OM.
Your AFFAIR (stop calling it a relationship, its an affair and they are very different animals) is NOT over until you END CONTACT BOTH WAYS. Once HE stops contacting YOU THEN its over.
If he CAN'T contact you, then it is over. He CAN, so its not over... at least from your H's perspective if not to the OM's.
I have BEEN where your H is and I can tell you flat out this is a HUGE RED LIGHT that will come back to bite you in the butt...
END CONTACT means CHANGE CONTACT INFO... it doesn't just mean YOU stop calling him, it means YOU put up a WALL to keep him OUT.
Just because your husband doesn't say it, he KNOWS your number hasn't changed right? He knows your email is the same right?
Believe me he's doing the math. It's not calculus and he will eventually be turned off that you haven't fully shut the OM OUT.
A letter is a START, but you need to remove any chance of him contacting you. MOVE if he knows where you live...
The MORE effort you go into Keeping the OM OUT, the more your H will be convinced you love him.
I am dealing with this in my home now... my wife wont' change her phone number or email or anything... But she tells me its over... and my wife caught her OM cheating on her! She STILL wants to keep her phone number!
What message do you think that sends to the betrayed spouse when lines of contact aren't secured after the affair is discovered?
It's not over until YOU lock him out... And you haven't.. you keept he door OPEN to him and just ask him to stay away.. LOCK HIM OUT.
Change your lifestyle, change your clothes (more conservative), stop drinking any alcohol for the time being, do healthy and safe things for yourself and make sure your H knows it... But be subtle about showing him.
Sorry to be so forceful in writing here... I don't know how to write delicately about matters so close to home. :|
