Praying for Light at the end of the Tunnel

[kjensen]

Thanks Addie. More has happened that cause me and H to talk today..
I posted on the alt a note to Old Pilot saying lets use email/chat so my husband won't see..unfortunately it was posted wall to wall(my goof) and H noticed my new friend(OP) and saw my posting on his wall(his privacy setting is for all to see.) I had changed my email/FB passwords that used to be the same as H's-part of our rebuilding trust pre-divorce.
H sent me an email saying he was offended by my post(which I didn't intend him to see and was meant to keep my FB wall kind of clear of my private DB stuff)-he tried to log on FB as me and failed..then went to OP's wall and found my post..So he changed his passwords..

In any case I called H today about a tax question and we also talked about his email/anger...He says his cousin signed him up on match.com and it grossed him out so he deactivated his profile. So that was a bit of a relief.

He still is sticking to his rewritten stories about how we haven't been good together for years..how he stayed home to care for the kids and couldn't develop his business ...he waffles between I don't want your money or any stuff, to justifying support from me.

I guess the rewriting is the thing I have a hard time getting my head around-I don't see how he'll ever see the situations closer to the reality..do MLCers again rewrite the history when they come out of the fog? I'd love to hear anyone's experience. I guess because I don't understand the original rewriting(I know why, but not how it occurs), I also don't see how he'll ever see things more positively/fairly.

So things feel very final to me about the end of our marriage/friendship because of the tenacity that H holds these views of us and our history and me and my motives. Lots of his stories are of how I'm lashing out at him and being mean with things I've done to help him..yes some were not completely thought out, but he used to call me the queen of good intentions, with the biggest heart of anyone he knew...not the picture he paints anymore.

I'd love to just not have contact with him, but its rather hard getting divorced and sharing our children's time without contact. In that sense, as painful a time as this is, I really wish it would be final soon. I really feel such sadness today-maybe this is the mourning I must do..I thought I'd mourned enough-most of last year, but my heart is still aching.