Yes, I still care for her. And I'm with you, the sex just muddles things up.
Had antother big fight last night, then she texted later to say sorry. We ended up talking late.
The fight was because she went ahead and set up court dates, even though we haven't done any negotiation. THe lawyers really aren't doing what we're asking them to do. Mostly her lawyer. Pretty clearly, he's trying to push us to court.
Late night we talked about getting a mediator and taking the lawyers out of it. Which was our plan from the beginning.
And that's what I had said to her: you don't do what you say you're going to do.
She also said last night that she's not sure she's doing the right thing. But she can't see the way from here to reconciliation.
I did tell her that, after all I said about I can't trust her, and it would be difficult, I said, after all that, it's still a decision to trust.
It's pretty clear that, her vision of "if we're supposed to be together" is to divorce, spend time apart, and explore it afterwards. I told her I don't think I could do that. And she said, well, so be it.
So yeah, I kind of put myself out there, and I shouldn't have.
But, we're setting up the appointment for family therapy, that's something. And hopefully she'll stand by what she's saying about going to a mediator. I really don't know if I can trust she'll do what she says she's going to do, because we've been through this before.
I looked at model homes today with my boys. Made me feel that hole in my heart. I've never done that, looked at buying a home, without her.
She wants to sell the house. I'm wondering if it makes sense for me to keep it. I'm not sure I'd want to stay in our 5-bedroom house without her. Too many echos (both literally and figuratively).
Esox, I just think that she's not thinking clearly. She's ruled by competing emotions, and her behavior is wildly inconsistant. The more I've tried to figure it out, the more I'm sure there is nothing to figure out.
