Hi Gardner. I consider it a real compliment to be invited to come by your thread. I don’t feel qualified to really give advice when the stitch has gone this far, but guess that doesn’t stop me from giving my opinion.
I tried to put myself in your W’s place and wonder how she feels right now. I believe that “reality” in what she has fought to accomplish….is hitting her in the face. I don’t think she really wants wants to call anything off or to reconcile. I don’t think that she’s reached the place that she truly knows that for a fact. She is probably a bit scared and I think very, very sad. She may be "fishing" to see if she can determine if you've gone soft or not. Glad to see you stand your ground.
I think if it were me and my H, I would be terribly sad over the fact that we “could” have been such a terrific couple and had such a solid M, but we didn’t do what we needed to do to save it.
I compare it to going to the funeral home and seeing the body of a loved one. When you walk in and see them for the first time, it just hits so hard that they are really dead. Sorry for using this particular comparison, but that is how I see this situation. I think your W is seeing the death of this M and she may feel a certain amount of shock. But I don’t know, really, since I’ve not personally gone through it. But, I do believe she is having “sad” emotions to over-ride the angry feelings right now, and maybe she’s just in a “state”, so to speak.
I have to agree with Kerry. IMHO, I think it would probably be best to move forward with your plans. If……IF…..she really wants a R with you, then she should have to fight like h3ll to get you. And after all that she has done to hurt this M and all the R’s in the family, I’m thinking there would be a lot of healing and C to be done.
It’s bad to go through all that a couple does to get a D only to discover that wasn’t what was desired in the long run. However, as so many have discussed before, that is what it often takes for some people to get their eyes open. I think that she’ll be sad and may even secretly want you to charge in on your white horse at the last minute to stop the D, but I don’t think she wants it badly enough to do the work she needs to do to reconcile. (I always hope I’m wrong about these sorts of things.) The only way I see a healthy future with her would be “after” a D and an entirely new R develop.
I believe you are going to be okay. More than okay! I believe that you have already been grieving over the death of this M, so you have some of that behind you. It’s a matter of letting that last part go. I think that good-bye email you sent was very well stated. I’m glad you didn’t validate her about anything that time, b/c she needed to hear just what you said!
Once the D takes place, I think you’ll feel free and be able to be happier than you’ve been in a while. You deserve it, friend. I think all of us would agree that we just want what “you” want.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
