My Story...possible "grass is greener" scenario?

[nsw1222]

My SO dropped off our daughter just now and came in and sat down for 5 minutes or so. She seems to be doing more of that lately...sitting down. And she waved bye to me again when she drove off.

When we first split up it was come in, get our daughter, and leave...of course I was begging, pleading, trying to change her mind and such when she would come over. So she was full emotional walled, angry, and resentful.

Now that I'm being more light hearted and relaxed around her, she may feel more able to do the same...but I dont know if that really means anything.

[Gnosis]

I saw you posted a question on what the best strategy is to use to get her to come back... and have received a myriad of answers... which all point to the truth of the situation.

There isn't ONE overall strategy that works.

I started typing a whole essay on what you should/n't do... I stopped because to tell you the truth I'm worn out. It takes a lot of energy to write out more or less the same thing every time. If you like you can view my sitch and my posts to others and get some ideas.

With that I would like to impart a little something for you to keep in mind... What works for the LBW very seldom works for the WAW. Women are far more stubborn than men once they have made up their minds.

[sandi2]

Sounds as if the two of you can't live with each other, but can't live without each other, either. Have you ever read up on co-dependency?

I don't think you can go wrong when you pull back and focus on self-improvement. But, you have to be able to detach, and that seems to be your biggest problem.

Don't sweat the small stuff.....like if she waves or not. You make too big a deal over that and it causes you to look weak. The more self-confidence you have, the more attractive you are. I'm not talking about the conceited type, but a healthy self-confidence where she sees you strong within yourself and not needing her to complete who you are.

[nsw1222]

I dunno Sandi...she seems to be doing a pretty good job of living without me...her father is spreading the wealth and it apparently makes for good band-aids for her emotional wounds.

I'm beginning to think the signs I've seen arent really signs at all.

My SO told me that she didnt want things to be for our daughter the way they are for my SO and her sisters where their parents, who are divorced, cannot be in the same room together...making holidays and other special occasions chaotic to say the least.

So I am thinking that what I've seen may just be her wanting to get along and be friends for the sake of our daughter. Unless of course you or anyone else have seen simiar situations where this isnt necessarily the case?

How in the world will I be able to tell what her motivations are for any positive reactions out of her without asking and possibly causing her emotional wall to go back up?

If I havent already said it, it confuses and upsets me to no end how much guilt my SO has over her parents divorce and how much resentment she has towards her mother for leaving her father/breaking up their family, but she can't bring herself to see that she's essentially done the same thing to our daughter and our family. She even has the attitude that our daughter will be fine when she herself isnt fine about her own parents divorce.

Aside frome the possibility that our daughter may some day feel about my SO the way she feels about her own mother, theres the possibiltiy that our daughter will have increased difficulty in school, behavioral issues, higher risk of teen pregnancy, and trouble in her own relationships.

No, it's not a certainty...but with even the mere possibility, I just dont understand how someone could put their own needs above their childs.

It's tragic how powerful the fog is that can make some WAS's believe that they really have tried everything, that their partner will never change, and that kids will bounce back from this kind of thing.

[tjd3d]

You aren't kidding about a thick fog! I've heard all of the same things... she's already tried to work on things, it's impossible for people to change, and the kids will be fine if not better off with just her.

I feel for you...

[Dane]

The human mind is an amazing thing to be able to flip a switch and completely change POV. The fog of the A, it is as powerful as a chemical addiction, maybe more so.
An intervention is what is needed.

[nsw1222]

An intervention might work in some cases...but in my case who would intervene?

My SO wouldnt take anything I said to heart, nor is she take any advice or criticism from her Mother or her mothers side of the family, her sisters she only gets along with ~35% of the time as they think more like their mother, and her father is as happy as a pig in slop as far as our situation is concerned...so he wouldnt do anything that might take away from his maid service and errand runner, or the exponential time he now gets with our daughter.

[nsw1222]

So can anyone tell me why when my SO is in my presense she's seemingly calm and polite, waving at me when she drives away, and when she wants something and calls me or sends me a message, I (am expected to) answer, but when she's elsewhere...like out with our daughter or at her fathers house and I message her or call her, she either ignores me or responds but in a hateful and agressive manner?

Is it cake eating?

Is it possible that while she's in my presence her fathers influence over her weakens...but when she's with him or its just us communicating over the phone its in full force?

It's very frustrating and confusing to me...and at times it makes me feel angry. It seems like a double standard...or like I'm just being a doormat.

I'm trying to be kind and patient with my SO...but its so draining...and I dont know how to combat this without agitating our already delicate situation.

Last night she called to let me ay goodnight to our daughter, but she told me that I was agrivating her. She called me (at 11:25 at night no less...kind of late for a 3 year old to be going to bed but I kept quiet)! And I was only conversing with our daughter. We got off the phone and I messaged her to ask how things went last night and she either turned her phone off or her battery died...but before either happened she received the message.

I recently read a book by david burns, "feeling good together", wich talks about successful ways of communicating with someone who you're at odds with. So last night even though her phone seemed to be off, I sent her a message saying something to the effect of how she seemed to be feeling overwhelmed and frustrated when she called, how I understood how difficult it was to get our daughter ready for bed when she probably had other things she needed to do afterwards, and that if she was interested in talking more about how she was feeling I would be glad to listen.

It's been 12 hours since I sent that and I got no response...and I know her phone is back on and she got the message. So again I got ignored.

Does anyone have any suggestions? Instead of trying to reach out to her should I go dark? Or should I be patient and keep trying to reach out to her?

[nsw1222]

So today the second bomb got dropped. I found out that there is an affair of sorts going on.

The way it went down was, my SO dropped our daughter off, and after she had walked out the door my daughter said that she had been over to X's house. So I grabbed a empty bottle under the guise of putting it in the recycling bin outside and asked my SO if they had went to Mike's house.

She said yeah and asked why/how I knew. Then she said why's it a big deal, am I ont allowed to go to friends house. I said soemthing like "Is that all he is?" because at this point my daughter and her were there frequently.

She responded that "he's just a friend" but gave this telltale grin when she said it. I asked her if she was sure thats all it was? and she responded back "am I not allowed to have friends...we're no longer together so what does it matter?"

Of course then I knew what he was and that he was more than a friend. She ended up coming back inside and staying for over an hour and a half (and being late for work) while we talked about it.

I was crushed. She's 26 and he's 41...and she says he's just a friend that nothing sexual has gone on...but he's there for her and he listens to her and they hang out and have fun together. She met him through her divorced friend I referred to in my first post.

I can tell that if things keep going the way they have been it will likely become more than friends. Thats one reason I think she decided to get birth control.

So I did quite a bit of crying...accusing...telling her how much this hurts me that she's interested or involved with someone so soon after we split up.

I actually pointed to a family photo that was hanging on the wall...asking how she could do this to our family...how she could do this to our daughter knowing all the htings that can happen as a result of her parents not being together.

She told me how miserable she was living here and how for so long she told me things neede to change but they didnt. How she didnt believe that people could change overnight and how we had nothing in common and how she didnt want me changing for her.

It was almost like the split up fight all over again. But with a more positive ending.

I told her I would not be able to be friends with her if she was going to be involved with someone else because I was not going to sit as her friend and watch her do things and share things with this other guy that I used to be able to do but now cant.

She asked me if I couldnt see the possibility of how her being with someone else might make things better between the two of us, and suggested that it was time for us to see other people. I assume she was talking about the contrast between him and me and how that might give her some perspective on our relationship.

Of course I pointed out that it could mean the exact opposite...and that they fit into a classic scenario with him being 15 years older than her and how he's always listening to her, not judging her, being there for her. I brought up the possibility that he was taking advantage of her vunerability and seizing this opportunity to get with a beautiful and much younger woman. Of course I realize this was exactly what I shouldnt have done, as she jumped to his defense, said he wasnt like that, etc.

I told her I would be faithful to her, and asked her if she would promise to do the same. She flat out refused that and got really angry.

But I also asked her if she would give me the same chance that this other guy has. They do stuff and hang out together...so could we do that. She wasnt sure at first, but at some point then she actually suggested that one night after work she would come over and hang out and we could have drinks and watch moves and such. She of course added to that that we werent going to have sex or anything and that just because she agreed to come over that doesnt mean we will be getting back together.

She said how she didnt know if she and I would ever be together again and she wasnt going to make promises to anyone (me or him) because she didnt want to break any promises and have someone be pissed at her.

I again brought up the notion of being faithful and she was resistant. So I told her that on my half, I would be faithful to her and that I didnt have any intentions of being unfaithful. She actually responded better to that, saying that she didnt have intentions of being unfaithful (having sex with the other guy) but that again she wasnt going to make promises and whatever happens happens. She said something to the effect that she didnt know if she and I would have sex either but if it happens it happens.

So from my side I was pushing "keep an open mind" and "give me the chance that the other guy is getting", and from her side I was getting the no promises and "whatever happens, happens".


So I dont know what the hell is going on ir is gonna happen now.

Did I set her up for ultimate cake eating...where she's gonna have us both pursuing her? I let her know several times how hurt I was and she said that I was trying to make her fewel bad about it (even thought I was just sincerely expressing hurt), so did I simply give her a way to absolve her guilt by agreeing to the drinks and whatnot after work?

Or is this positive change? Are we a step closer to reconnecting? And what do I do? Should I start pursuing her?

Valentines day is coming up...should I send flowers and make a big deal? Is it time to kick things into overdrive to outshadow this other guy? Or do I play it cool and relaxed...just seeing how things work out on their own?

[Gardener]

nsw1222,
Quite frankly, she is cake-eating her way through the entire bakery.
And setting you up and jerking you around right and left.

Thats one reason I think she decided to get birth control.

C'mon! You 'think'?

She asked me if I couldnt see the possibility of how her being with someone else might make things better between the two of us

classic cheating cake-eating WAS BS.

But I also asked her if she would give me the same chance that this other guy has

So you're asking her if you may compete w/OM for your wife?

She actually responded better to that, saying that she didnt have intentions of being unfaithful (having sex with the other guy) but that again she wasnt going to make promises and whatever happens happens. She said something to the effect that she didnt know if she and I would have sex either but if it happens it happens.

Of course, unfaithful sex "just happens". She's telegraphing her intentions in no uncertain terms and you're not getting it.

So from my side I was pushing "keep an open mind" and "give me the chance that the other guy is getting", and from her side I was getting the no promises and "whatever happens, happens"

Sorry, guy, you were pushing the, "I'll be a doormat," From her side, she was walking all over it and wiping her feet.

Did I set her up for ultimate cake eating

No, she's already doing that. You said "okay" and gave her permission.

Valentines day is coming up...should I send flowers and make a big deal?

Ignore Valentines Day.

Or is this positive change? Are we a step closer to reconnecting? And what do I do? Should I start pursuing her?

I don't even know what to say, here.
Sorry to be so blunt. No, actually, I'm not; you need it.
Have you even read DR? Go read/reread DR, especially LRT section. Read more posts here. I don't think it is possible to do more wrong things in a sitch than you are doing, frankly.
Good luck,