So today the second bomb got dropped. I found out that there is an affair of sorts going on.
The way it went down was, my SO dropped our daughter off, and after she had walked out the door my daughter said that she had been over to X's house. So I grabbed a empty bottle under the guise of putting it in the recycling bin outside and asked my SO if they had went to Mike's house.
She said yeah and asked why/how I knew. Then she said why's it a big deal, am I ont allowed to go to friends house. I said soemthing like "Is that all he is?" because at this point my daughter and her were there frequently.
She responded that "he's just a friend" but gave this telltale grin when she said it. I asked her if she was sure thats all it was? and she responded back "am I not allowed to have friends...we're no longer together so what does it matter?"
Of course then I knew what he was and that he was more than a friend. She ended up coming back inside and staying for over an hour and a half (and being late for work) while we talked about it.
I was crushed. She's 26 and he's 41...and she says he's just a friend that nothing sexual has gone on...but he's there for her and he listens to her and they hang out and have fun together. She met him through her divorced friend I referred to in my first post.
I can tell that if things keep going the way they have been it will likely become more than friends. Thats one reason I think she decided to get birth control.
So I did quite a bit of crying...accusing...telling her how much this hurts me that she's interested or involved with someone so soon after we split up.
I actually pointed to a family photo that was hanging on the wall...asking how she could do this to our family...how she could do this to our daughter knowing all the htings that can happen as a result of her parents not being together.
She told me how miserable she was living here and how for so long she told me things neede to change but they didnt. How she didnt believe that people could change overnight and how we had nothing in common and how she didnt want me changing for her.
It was almost like the split up fight all over again. But with a more positive ending.
I told her I would not be able to be friends with her if she was going to be involved with someone else because I was not going to sit as her friend and watch her do things and share things with this other guy that I used to be able to do but now cant.
She asked me if I couldnt see the possibility of how her being with someone else might make things better between the two of us, and suggested that it was time for us to see other people. I assume she was talking about the contrast between him and me and how that might give her some perspective on our relationship.
Of course I pointed out that it could mean the exact opposite...and that they fit into a classic scenario with him being 15 years older than her and how he's always listening to her, not judging her, being there for her. I brought up the possibility that he was taking advantage of her vunerability and seizing this opportunity to get with a beautiful and much younger woman. Of course I realize this was exactly what I shouldnt have done, as she jumped to his defense, said he wasnt like that, etc.
I told her I would be faithful to her, and asked her if she would promise to do the same. She flat out refused that and got really angry.
But I also asked her if she would give me the same chance that this other guy has. They do stuff and hang out together...so could we do that. She wasnt sure at first, but at some point then she actually suggested that one night after work she would come over and hang out and we could have drinks and watch moves and such. She of course added to that that we werent going to have sex or anything and that just because she agreed to come over that doesnt mean we will be getting back together.
She said how she didnt know if she and I would ever be together again and she wasnt going to make promises to anyone (me or him) because she didnt want to break any promises and have someone be pissed at her.
I again brought up the notion of being faithful and she was resistant. So I told her that on my half, I would be faithful to her and that I didnt have any intentions of being unfaithful. She actually responded better to that, saying that she didnt have intentions of being unfaithful (having sex with the other guy) but that again she wasnt going to make promises and whatever happens happens. She said something to the effect that she didnt know if she and I would have sex either but if it happens it happens.
So from my side I was pushing "keep an open mind" and "give me the chance that the other guy is getting", and from her side I was getting the no promises and "whatever happens, happens".
So I dont know what the hell is going on ir is gonna happen now.
Did I set her up for ultimate cake eating...where she's gonna have us both pursuing her? I let her know several times how hurt I was and she said that I was trying to make her fewel bad about it (even thought I was just sincerely expressing hurt), so did I simply give her a way to absolve her guilt by agreeing to the drinks and whatnot after work?
Or is this positive change? Are we a step closer to reconnecting? And what do I do? Should I start pursuing her?
Valentines day is coming up...should I send flowers and make a big deal? Is it time to kick things into overdrive to outshadow this other guy? Or do I play it cool and relaxed...just seeing how things work out on their own?
