Next steps

[avermont]

Thanks for chiming in, P17.

But I think the better thing to do is:return to sender.

Because then the bank and OW can figure it out, and I will stop getting her bank mail.

Which will be better for my mental state, in the long run.

[avermont]

The meetings are at the bar!

This is the neighborhood pub wherein we spent many and many a night with each other and neighborhood pals.

Even going there at all is hard for me.

I could certainly leave as the business part winds down, but there's no way of knowing when/if X would say to OW "meeting starts at 9...why don't you come by about 10?"

Well, the first step is to read the script and see what I can contribute anyhow!

But I think it is this that is dragging me down. Bad yesterday, bad today.

TRYING to change my thoughts and focus on work! on Haiti! on anything else!

Urg.

[LookingFrAnswers]

I am trying to be very conscious of replacing neg thoughts with positive ones. At work the other day I thought "ha ha! My co-worker just did this totally dumb thing and I was right! (insert: right for once, bitter, jealous, insecure undertone) and I thought how I would tell this little story to X--ooops, that's right, we aren't together, can't tell him--and realized that it was EXACTLY the sort of neg story that was not pleasant to hear.

So I replaced it with something like: it feels good to work with co-worker and help make a better decision about what to do about this project.

Doing a lot of thought stopping these days.

Don't really want to share feelings with friends, though. I am at the point where I just don't want to talk about the sitch, my life, or my feelings. But hey, I guess I can share THAT feeling!

Hi Avermont,
Catching up with your thread, and again I'm amazed at the similarities we have. Thought-stopping, yes this is tough one to get in habit of. When my mind wanders to negative thoughts about H & what he's doing/done, I've tried to catch & tell myself, focus on me! What am I doing to better myself? I can really drive myself nuts if I dont' refocus that way. I like your multiplication tables, good mind exercise!

Also, lately I have not felt like "talking" to friends or family much when they ask about what's going on. Nothing is new to report, but it just feels painful to get into it. I too, am not naturally one to open up to people, tend to be more guarded. I think you're right, sharing THAT is sharing your feelings! Think that is how I'll deal w it.

When you mentioned your scary, spider-webby basement, I thought, Wow! Avermont must be in a parallel universe to me. I have a scary spider webby basement too!! And BTW, beautiful job on handling the tenant issue. I had a similar experience this summer, when the hot water tank tanked & had to go down there, fiddle with the knobs. Called our HVAC company, they came out, problem solved. For a price - ouch! But if H were there we still would have had to have the water tank replaced.

Every unpleasant house maintenance issue (mice is another ucckky one), has left me feeling a little more independent & strong. But of course I don't have all your skills when it comes to home maintenance, so for me that's a big 180.

FWIW, I say buy & wear the sexy red blouse! I get what Pearl was saying but I don't think you were going to wear it with some kind of expectation for an outcome w BF. You just want to let him see what he's missing - that's the difference. I think that's what meant anyway. When I met w H in Nov. (last time I saw him BTW), I put some thought into what I was going to wear & trust me I had no illusions that it would make any difference to him. He has not really given any indication that he's anything but done w M. BUT, I wanted to feel confident, and look good anyway. So I wore a nice fitting red sweater (red IS a power color) & jeans w heels. I'm a casual person so this was a few notches above what I'd normally wear on a Sat. I can say I did it for me. So do it for you. If you want to!

Don't mean to ramble on! Sorry, I tend to write a lot! I'll check back soon & fill you in on my finances situation.

I love your first post & your goals. You should read those if are feeling down, and I should take my own advice & do the same thing!! Stay strong ((((Avermont))))

[avermont]

Thanks so much for writing in, LFA. I really wanted to hear from you.

It's nice to have someone sharing a parallel universe with me, but I'm sorry you have to be here!

Yes, the thought of the blouse came to me before thinking about having to meet X for finances. I just never wear form-fitting clothes, have always been self conscious about my body--so it is a big 180 to wear something that fits right and looks sexy/feminine. I wasn't expecting that X would suddenly change his mind upon seeing my fabulous beauty.

I am struggling with this bad mood. Keep coming back to: how will I be a better person, which is the whole focus of this board?? Absolutely no point in going through this hell if something about me doesn't change for the better.

I am actually thinking of attending an AA type meeting, not that I'm giving up drinking! But for that whole 'moral inventory' thing. I have got to figure out the best place to put my self-improvement energy.

When you feel like catching up your story, I'm looking forward to hearing it. If you don't feel like talking about all the feeling stuff--believe me, I'm gettng so tired of it too! we can just compete on who has the scarier basement.

I can offer all sorts of support on tackling the house projects, too. It's true that many women don't have those skills, and that's part of the scariness of being on our own.

How about a cat for the mice? Traps really aren't that bad to deal with. Drop the whole thing in a paper bag, and just buy more traps.

My next scary thing to do is clear the bathroom sink clog. I tried a whole bottle of Drano--anything to avoid dealing with the ick!! But I know how to do it, and I will! If I puke, which is a real possibility, well, I will be right by the toilet!

Wish me luck on that particular gross project, which I totally would have made X do.

Be well, be well!

Be well!

[Day by Day]

I can offer all sorts of support on tackling the house projects, too. It's true that many women don't have those skills, and that's part of the scariness of being on our own.

Hi avermont,
Scariness of being on my own... got that today as my car didn't start. Thank God my dad taught me a few things and how to use tools. I had to clean the battery terminals and got it running again! Yep, had to clean clogged drains too. Miss Independent now. Doesn't that feel great to conquer those tasks?!

[flowmom]

I'm a THE WORK devotee already: my business, your business, and God's business.

Try to stick to my own business.

I'm glad to hear that The Work is bringing you some solace. I'm re-reading I Need Your Love - Is That True? and it's sooooo helpful to me. Of anything I've done in the last week, those two things have brought me the most peace. Oprah did a really good 3 part interview with Byron Katie, which you can listen to here.

[avermont]

Good for you--I wouldn't have known to clean the battery terminals!

Thanks for the encouragement on the drain project.

I had a bad night last night, but a better morning. Got up and went for a run with some new running acquaintences.

Then back at the house I started to do more furniture re-arranging and tossing of things.

I moved the bed to another area of the bedroom. It doesn't make sense aesthetically, but I needed to change the karma. I have been mostly sleeping on the couch downstairs. It's comfortable and I'm by the woodstove. But I know it's mostly about avoiding the bedroom, and I have to get back into it.

The bed, of course, is the one that X said--oh, about a whole week after the Bomb--plenty of time for me to be ready to deal with the whole thing, right? Anyhow, he says that he will give me "right of first refusal" on the bed!!

Big of him, no? Like I wouldn't burn it before I let him and OW have it!

Anyhow--I will tackle the drain this week, and maybe do some more furniture rearranging.

[avermont]

Update on the Second Letter:

Sealed it back up last night, wrote: return to sender; and it's in the mail today. Out of my house, out of my life.

But it's not an impossibility that someday I might order something...inappropriate...from a payphone and have it sent to X's office...

[LookingFrAnswers]

Aver,
Just checking in - after reading your post. I repliced but in case you don't get back over there soon I wanted to send hugs & support. Definitely been there & it sucks. Hope you get some rest tonight. Wishing you a better day tomorrow. ((())))
LFA

[avermont]

Hi all-

Wanted to let you know that LFA and I were posting a lot on her thread, "scared and needing advice.'

I posted there the crisis I went through last night with X starting the pressure on "moving forward with the house."

I would appreciate if you could take a glance over and see where I got to. A big mess, really! is where I got to!

The Next Steps that I have been struggling with:

The only official piece of papere we have is a Domestic Partnership agreement that we signed through my workplace some 15 years ago. It gave him the right to be on insurance, be a beneficiary, use facilities, etc. Over the years he never needed any of that, as he had his own insurance at his work. I did sign him up for some extra death/dismemberment insurance and few other little perks like that as they were offered by my workspace.

After the Bomb I pulled out the form, and if the DP breaks up, you are both supposed to sign the form accordingly, within 30 days. Of course I couldn't do that at the time.

I did take him off all beneficiary forms, and all extra insurance bits, so my workspace technically does not have any financial obligations to him should something happen.

So--it is the closest thing I have to "Divorce papers" for him to sign.

I have been considering putting it in the mail to him, with an envelope addressed to the workspace, so he just has to mail it off--and I will not have to see it happen.

I considered bringing it to our next bill paying session--hoping for a little "shock and awe" maybe?

But I couldn't handle him watching him easily sign off and casually toss it back to me.

I keep going back to the first week post Bomb. I left the house for a week. When we met for a Sunday check in, he asked in a bit of a choked voice "can I ask where you were all week?" I answered without much detail.

When I suggested he move out and we separate the house/car insurance, he said, no, it is still cheaper this way, "unless you want to move this whole thing along faster." He turned his head away as he said that, as if he couldn't have me see his face.

Of course I said I didn't want to move along faster, I wanted to stop time, etc.

Anyhow, for the longest time I held on to those two statements as him hoping for...something...from me to change the trajectory of the path he had chosen.

I felt I did the best I could by saying that I stayed away for the week because of the huge amount of pain (said very calmly, no tears) and that I didn't want to rush the changes along.

But the rest of everything since those 2 sad sentences has been pure WA. Just not there.

Anyhow...I am in mess about the house. Really struggling to regain some equinimity.

Advice on the DP paper? just get it signed and over with, same stress as the D papers you have all had to deal with. And I have read how much it hurts to serve those papers and call it DONE.

Good god almighty, when does the pain stop? or at least let up a bit?