Praying for Light at the end of the Tunnel

[kjensen]

To answer your question about financial separation...I guess that's being worked on in the divorce..there will be temporary orders coming up soon. For now, H spends his own(business') money for everything except food/gas which he charges to our joint account(all of which comes from my paycheck)...I'm not sure what kind of logic he's using to think I should pay for his gas and food right now, but since I make alot more money than him its OK for now...The divorce will probably be final in May or June...

Still plugging along.

Part of his internal struggle/fear is can he support himself on his own, having his own business...So far he's not making enough to live on, just by himself...when he has the girls part-time it will be worse and I will have to pay child support-the amount has yet to be determined....

[kjensen]

Saw H this morning at a school honors breakfast. Went OK until he mentionned all the gorceries he'd bought last night and I nicely asked if it was out our joint account(which just my paycheck goes into)..he said yes..is that a problem? I said no, but I don't understand the logic...He said well, its what we've done the last 10 years..

He is rewriting a lot more history. His lawyer is stating H should receive maintenance(alimony) b/c he was a stay-at-home dad for the last 10 years while I developed my career! My career is a pharmacist-there is no developing..its hourly pay..H didn't stay at home until 6 years ago and he worked out of the house in his own office. He worked when the kids were at school 8am to 3pm and while they were home, and on the weekends...I still cleaned/cooked/laundry..the usual second shift stuff.

So this rewriting of history really bothers me. it feels like a big lie in order to get money out of me which H said he doesn't want because he needs to learn to stand on his own. Now he's saying things like half of everything is his..(much of everything we have came because of my earnings).

I said my life has been turned upside down and he said well his has too. because he moved into a condo with me this summer that he LOVED and later found out I didn't like as much as him but moved there for him, so he thinks its really ironic that I want to stay there. I said well I wasn't going to move when I didn't want to end the marriage. I didn't bring up the other truth: that he stated time and again after we moved to the condo that he hated it.

He saw his therapist yesterday and they talked alot about the light therapy lamp (that really seems to me the most important things thats happened to him in the last 8 weeks-not the moving out/divorce/effect on the kids!) I bought him for christmas. He said his therapist had a lot of things to say about it, how it was a bad message to send the kids that their father is broken and needs fixing...

I actually saw it as a loving thing. Our marriage counselor had suggested one and H had even at one point said I should get him one for Christmas(I guess he was joking!)..

Well he is broken and there seems to be no fixing going on. He's still looking outward and blaming everyone(me) for his situation.

I said I really didn't know why we were fighting this morning and I'd rather not see him if this is how it is. He said it was hard to see me..

I feel hate and disgust and still great hurt and sadness.
Part of me wants to email him and have him wake up..but I know he won't so i won't contact him.

Also this morning I asked D12 to at least be civil and speak to her dad at the breakfast but D12 said she hates H and wants to go to a judge to live with me.

I'm not sure what to do there. D12 won't tell her dad how she feels about him-she is scared of his yelling/anger. Its hard to be in the same situation as both of them because of the tension.

Not a great start to the day. I feel like crap.

[Cadet]

KJ
Sorry for the bad start to the day.
Are you on the alt? I am friends with TrustingFaith who also lives in CO.
My sister lives in a small town of CO. Westcliffe. Her H just got a job in Puebleo as a nurse. So they bought a house there. And I went to college in Colorado. Just north of Colorado Springs.
OK I am trying to think of something else to cheer you up but I am struggling with that right now.
I could tell you a "Snodderly" pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and go back to DB'ing.

I hop[e the rest of your day gets better.

[trustingfaith]

((((KJ))))

So sorry your morning was so icky. That rewriting of history really sucks, but I guess they have to do it to justify or reason how they are feeling.

I don't think by buying him a lamp you are sending a message to the kids about him needing to be fixed because I am sure they can see that themselves. My kids are younger than yours and are very aware that daddy is not himself and there is something very wrong.

As far as D12, she is upset, angry, frustrated and doesn't know how to process it all. It is too bad she doesn't feel like she can tell her dad how she feels.

I am so sorry what should have been a nice start to your day with the honors breakfast turned out to be ick. Hope your day gets better!

[kjensen]

Thanks OP and TF.
OP-I am on FB and am friends with TF-we don't live too far from each other and are trying to find a time to meet. My real name is something completely different from KJ(my given birthname before adoption as a baby)..but my pic is there..green shirt/brown hair..louisville,CO.

H called shortly after I posted (he was surprised I answered)and said that our conversation bothered him. I said it bothered me too...I talked about how 'rewriting history" or focusing on only one of many points of view..was difficult...The conversation was OK-nothing great. H is taking a required co-parenting class this morning on his own...he'd had talked about doing it together..but I guess not.

I feel kind of done with him right now. If he "wakes up" I don't think its going to be anytime soon.

I do worry about D12. TF and you are right, both kids have known there is something not quite right with H..Doesn't seem like alot of MLCers care what others' think..H certainly does though.

I'm calming down. It helps to vent here..sorry if all you've read lately is venting!

Hoping for a better weekend..got alot to keep me busy!

[Cadet]

Ok 2 people with green shirts I guess - friend requests to both.

[kjensen]

LOL-I'm not Lucy from Peanuts! I think that was the only other green shirted brunette in her friends list!

Nice to be your friend OP!

[addie]

Hi KJ,

In many ways your sitch reminds me a lot of mine. If H and I were to D, I think I would have to pay him spousal support. Right now, H is back in school full-time and not earning much. I have always had the stable job and have earned a lot more than he has and just like you, most of what we have came from my earnings.

After H's PA ended and before we R, H placed ads in the personals and joined a dating site. Mind you, he did this while he was telling me he wanted us to get back together (we were living hundreds of miles apart at the time) but I was reluctant because I was afraid he was still in his fog, which he obviously was. This was just a band-aid to make him feel better and he quickly discovered he was still miserable.

Your H is set on his self-destructive path. There's nothing you can really do about it. If you stay out of his way, he will come to realize he can only blame himself for the choices he has made.

[kjensen]

Thanks Addie. More has happened that cause me and H to talk today..
I posted on the alt a note to Old Pilot saying lets use email/chat so my husband won't see..unfortunately it was posted wall to wall(my goof) and H noticed my new friend(OP) and saw my posting on his wall(his privacy setting is for all to see.) I had changed my email/FB passwords that used to be the same as H's-part of our rebuilding trust pre-divorce.
H sent me an email saying he was offended by my post(which I didn't intend him to see and was meant to keep my FB wall kind of clear of my private DB stuff)-he tried to log on FB as me and failed..then went to OP's wall and found my post..So he changed his passwords..

In any case I called H today about a tax question and we also talked about his email/anger...He says his cousin signed him up on match.com and it grossed him out so he deactivated his profile. So that was a bit of a relief.

He still is sticking to his rewritten stories about how we haven't been good together for years..how he stayed home to care for the kids and couldn't develop his business ...he waffles between I don't want your money or any stuff, to justifying support from me.

I guess the rewriting is the thing I have a hard time getting my head around-I don't see how he'll ever see the situations closer to the reality..do MLCers again rewrite the history when they come out of the fog? I'd love to hear anyone's experience. I guess because I don't understand the original rewriting(I know why, but not how it occurs), I also don't see how he'll ever see things more positively/fairly.

So things feel very final to me about the end of our marriage/friendship because of the tenacity that H holds these views of us and our history and me and my motives. Lots of his stories are of how I'm lashing out at him and being mean with things I've done to help him..yes some were not completely thought out, but he used to call me the queen of good intentions, with the biggest heart of anyone he knew...not the picture he paints anymore.

I'd love to just not have contact with him, but its rather hard getting divorced and sharing our children's time without contact. In that sense, as painful a time as this is, I really wish it would be final soon. I really feel such sadness today-maybe this is the mourning I must do..I thought I'd mourned enough-most of last year, but my heart is still aching.

[addie]

The rewriting of your marital history is very much script. My H also said we hadn't been good together for years and we should never have gotten married. During his EA when we were having problems he told me I had psychological problems and then went on to tell me after the PA ended that I was a saint for accepting what he had done.
It's very common for them to rewrite history.