The councelor said she could see we had no contact. She said "no eye contact, no touching, smiling, even if you are sitting on the same couch. Is there a problem with contact, physical or other?". I said yes, H said yes. She asked when was the last time we felt like having contact with each other. H spoke and said when he went to the hospital with the kidney pains, he said "I wanted Maria to be with me, come to me, I knew it wasnt serious, but I wanted her there badly". I said I felt that when he saw me and hugged me and kissed my hands, and held on tight, his look, everything was very emotional. I told them that was the moment I started thinkng that maybe there was a chance after all.
She turned to H asked ever since? He said no. He doesnt want to. He said he feels like I am "fire" and will burn him. He said even when I am calm, he thinks I am ready to blow up, with no warning. Which is completely unfair and wrong. Even when I am upset, physical touch is my LL, it soothes me.I told him that, I told him if he was brave enough to risk, he would be pleasantly surprised...
At one point he was explaining vividly how difficult it is for him to handle me when I am mad, upset and/or sad. He went on and on saying he couldnt, he didnt want to, he wasnt able to "deal with all that emotion". My response wasnt very sensitive "well then, there we have it!! I need a man that CAN/and is willing "handle" me and my emotions, I dont want someone who keeps running to hide!". Silence after that...
Lack of time was discussed heavily Ali. I stated that my vision and desire didnt not include being thankful for crumbs (sp?). He went on and on about how it isnt practically possible, how his dad did the same while my parents didnt, how he thinks it is normal. I put my foot down in a sense that didnt try to accommodate him. I stated again, he needs to figure out what he wants, what kind of husband, father, companion does he want to become. A "guest star" or a present role model and husband? He said he didnt know what to do.
She suggested he thinks what is more important to him, she said "what would be more devastating to lose, your one job, or your family, and/or Maria?". He didnt answer that. He went on and on saying how we could do it anyway. She then said "that is clearly Maria's need that she she had thought over hard enough and says she chooses NOT to accept it, do you have a solution that she would accept?". He said find time etc etc. I explained all these "solutions" have been discussed before but he fails to "deliver". She suggested I go with him to some of his trips. I said I was never welcome. And added that she went to almost everyone of them so obviously there is no work related reason I couldnt go (he always said he would be too busy to entertain me and I would be bored and a burden). Silence again. This coming trip to Africa is an example, he laughed at me when I said I wanted to go.
In the end she said she sensed I am feeling like I have done evrything possible and right now I am negative and not willing to "bend". And that he is not doing what he should be doing to come close to me and soothe and soften me and we feel like we are at a dead end. She said, "you obviously love each other VERY much, there is no doubt in my head about it even if you Maria deny it and dont feel it. You can do this, lets work on taking down the defenses and finding a way for H to start doing things that would meet your needs". She said the trick is to start meeting each other's needs and how we do it or when doesnt really matter. Once that starts we will feel love coming back to us.
She is mellow and soft spoken and sometimes was taken by surprise by all the tension and emotion and several times I thought she acted stupid on purpose asking for clarifications that gave us seconds to "calm down".
She also asked him what he found in her. He said he didnt know, havent thought about it.
At one point I said I am guilty of teaching him he could get away with giving very little all those years in the past. That I was setting my self up for this disapointement because when I got tired, instead of stepping up, he chose to find someone else that would again be happy with very little from him. He objected strongly and said I cant be rewriting our history, that we had a solid R and that it is my negativity speaking... (SOUNDS VERY FAMILIAR, no?).
Anyway, today we havent spoken about it and our mood is ok. One thing that is changing is that, different from what was happening, we dont get distant after speaking about the past anymore although we dont agree. It's like we both accept, it is OK that our versions of the past are different. K
