for all of you with spouses who've dropped the bomb...how long do the WAS usually stay in your home before finding a place of their own? my H dropped the bomb on 1/6 and is already apartment hunting this afternoon for his own place.
i am doing my best...went out with friends last night and had fun but most of the time felt like my smile was glued on and if i let it slide off, someone would see how truly miserable i was. h slept on the couch last night. came home drunk the night before and fell asleep in the bed with me (but apologized profusely the next day). i can't read his signals. he is apartment hunting but he looks at me with tears in his eyes. he doesn't want to work on our marriage but he goes out of his way to ask if i need anything from him.
i wished him luck with apartment hunting when he went out this morning and mentioned looking for a place of my own...neither of us have any ill will towards the other, but he's built a wall around his heart that i can't get over to make him see what a terrible choice it is to end this.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
My H moved out soon after dropping the bomb. He was really upset, but it was guilt and shame about his decision, not love for me or a desire to reconcile. I pushed him out the door by trying to reconnect with him at a time when he needed tons of space . It was really hard when he moved out, esp because I know he's not the type to backtrack.
Hang in there.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Have you read the DB book or DR book. I highly suggest you get them and start reading. It sounds like your H is depressed. Of course I am not a DR. Do not tell him that. In fact you need to detach, GAL and not worry about him. Much of DB is counterintuitive however it does work.
thanks, old pilot. i have read DR, front to back at least 2 times and i've spoken with a DB coach. i thought once before that he was bipolar but his counselor diagnosed him with ADHD. i would never tell him i thought he was depressed, and i am trying to GAL. i have not tried to push reconnection, and i know he feels very guilty about his decision. he looks at me like his puppy just died every time i see him. we "unofficially" separated one before in august of 2008, but he went to stay with his parents, and after 2 weeks of no contact, decided to do a 180 and asked to work things out. my fear now is that he's much more serious because he's not looking to just stay on someone's couch for a week or two...he'll be signing a year long lease!
flowmom, my H isn't the type to backtrack either...especially once there is a lease signed. but he has handed me no papers and we have no official separation agreement of any kind (other than a verbal agreement of who would get what). have you spoken to a lawyer yet? do i need to ask for a separation agreement before he moves out?
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
His C should not be the one making a diagnosis,although they may have a good idea. My D23 is bipolar, and my S22 is ADD so I know what you mean. Has he given you any reasons why he is unhappy? Have you gone for any MC? If he is depressed just understand that there is really nothing you can do. Other than work on yourself you can not cure him or make him get undepressed, he has to come to that realization by himself. A depressed person has trouble doing that.
You can not control him. Only you can control yourself and you are responsible only for your own happiness.
he started seeing a counselor in september 2008 (the one who diagnosed him), and saw him for several months on his own before he and i began seeing him together. he is unhappy because i want to change him, because he can't make me happy, because i need more love than he can give me, because he feels like it shouldn't be "this hard" to be married, because he feels chipped away at. i know i can't cure him or force him to see that things can be so much better, but he really is in emotional lockdown right now and aside from crying about the "loss" of our marriage, it's kind of like talking to a brick wall.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
So from the things that he said are wrong, can you take ownership of any of them?
Can you DB those things? You need to set up goals. Small obtainable goals and work towards them. Baby steps towards your ultimate goal.
This is time to look in the mirror and see what he sees. What can you change(180)? Do those things for you. Not for him. You make yourself a better person and he will notice. But you do it for you because db'ing is not a trick. It is hard work.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
yes, i have taken ownership of those things. i have finally been able to see our relationship through his eyes and have discovered that i've done a lot of things wrong - that i wasn't even aware that i was doing. and of course, never with the intention to hurt him...i just thought i was trying to make our marriage better. little did i know...i was actually make it worse!
the goals are a bit more difficult. i desparately want him to stop talking about moving out. it seems so final to me. but today when he mentioned it, i smiled, asked him what neighborhoods he was looking at, and said i needed to look for a place of my own as well. i know he feels guilty and that the blame of us splitting will ultimately fall on him because he doesn't want to work things out (he feels that way, not me), but still he moves forward.
his sister is a lawyer and he has asked her to formalize a separation agreement based on some conversations we've had about division of property (we don't have much).
i do see in the mirror what he sees when he looks at me. i know what i have done and the part i have played. i am working to change those things, talking to a coach, reading, taking time for myself, finding things that make me happy...only problem is that not too much makes me happy for very long because the thought of not being with him lurks behind every happy thought in my mind.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
. It was really hard when he moved out, esp because I know he's not the type to backtrack. 