H suddenly moved out 10 days ago...I'm devastated

[CityGirl]

I have to agree that this does not sound like a very good idea.

If you *really* only want to go out and hear jazz and you don't want to go alone (why not?) why not ask some female friends to go? This is where setting boundaries is important... tell your friends you want to go out, hear some music and have a good time and you do not want to discuss your situation at all.

What bothers me about this entire scenario is you are unable to make yourself feel good on your own and you went right to another person instead of finding a way to do that on your own. You said in the very first line in your post "to make me feel good". Nobody can do that but you!

You are assuming an awful lot about this man, his R status (married or not) and how open he is being.

This all seems like a recipe for disaster IMO.

[flowmom]

But I think you need to clarify with your old friend that going out to listen to jazz isn't going to cause a problem for anyone he may have waiting at home (just shoot him a msg on FB) and then you'll know. You're making some assumptions and it would be better to know before you go out.

OK, that makes sense.

So, if it's not a problem b/c he's either unattached or he reassures you it's not an issue and it's just catching up with an old friend, I think you should go because it will be great for your confidence, and independence.

I think so too .

[flowmom]

If you *really* only want to go out and hear jazz and you don't want to go alone (why not?) why not ask some female friends to go?

Maybe some of the moms can understand where I'm coming from? Motherhood sometimes takes over one's identity and there can come a day where one loses a sense of one's self. Not only that, but the people who know you and care about you also see you constrained within that role and that's what they reflect back to you. Connecting with someone who can see me with fresh eyes is a way of being reminded that who I am is more than my current role.

What bothers me about this entire scenario is you are unable to make yourself feel good on your own and you went right to another person instead of finding a way to do that on your own.

I am taking action to address how I'm feeling within myself. I think it will take time for me to feel good on my own. I'm assuming that you think I should be able to do something every day by myself that makes me feel good within myself, but the reality is that I'm not there yet. In my experience, sometimes personal change works from the outside in and sometimes from the inside out. I've worked a lot on my insides, and actually I haven't worked with acting "as if" very often. Right now I want to act as if I am a woman who doesn't have a care in the world and who wants to listen to jazz and who happens to have a male friend who would enjoy doing that with her -- nothing more than that. None of my friends invited me to listen to jazz with them...he did, unprompted. I don't need to flirt or have my desirability validated by him, just a simple shared experience (listening to jazz) is what would feel good to me.

[Cadet]

have you spoken to a lawyer yet?

Do you need to? Are all your financial needs being met? Can your H support 2 households?

[flowmom]

have you spoken to a lawyer yet?

Do you need to? Are all your financial needs being met? Can your H support 2 households?

I don't know if I should be seeing a L. H has committed to not leaving me in the lurch financially and he has given me some money -- not clear how long it has to last. Finances are a mess, part of what precipitated this crisis in the first place. I don't think that H can support 2 households, so this is not a sustainable situation.

[Cadet]

I don't think that H can support 2 households, so this is not a sustainable situation.

So if you stay on the present course and do nothing. What is going to happen?

[flowmom]

I don't think that H can support 2 households, so this is not a sustainable situation.

So if you stay on the present course and do nothing. What is going to happen?

I'm not doing nothing.

Short-term plan:

1. I've resumed my consulting work in order to increase our family earnings for debt repayment and increased housing costs (my business was on hold for a couple of years due to the children's needs)

2. maintain goodwill in my relationship with H so that he continues to support me financially and act in good faith

3. I'm considering suggesting that we re-mortgage our apartment to deal with the debt situation... I asked for input in this thread, but didn't get much feedback

4. stick to my agreement with H that we will curtail excess spending

Although lawyers could help me get the best deal financially, the reality is that H is unlikely to be able to increase his earnings and lawyers will just cut into whatever assets we do have. Mediation is a much cheaper alternative, but I would have to have a lot more emotional clarity and information before entering legally binding agreements with no legal representation.

[Cadet]

Ok understand that I am not telling you to grease the wheels for a D. Just that you should be prepared and know your rights. You can get a free consult with a D lawyer. Interview a few of them, see what you learn. Do not tell this to the H. You are doing this for you and your children. He is moving out, he needs to help with child support.
The most important thing right now is not H. It is you and your children!

[flowmom]

Ok understand that I am not telling you to grease the wheels for a D. Just that you should be prepared and know your rights. You can get a free consult with a D lawyer. Interview a few of them, see what you learn. Do not tell this to the H. You are doing this for you and your children. He is moving out, he needs to help with child support.

This is probably a wise course of action.

[flowmom]

Divorced or soon-to-be divorced parents, you're invited to this thread that I started:

documentary: How to Divorce & Not Wreck the Kids