What Now?

[WhatNow]

here is my letter to him the day after he left 4 weeks ago.

"It is hard for me to accept that you do not share my feelings of wanting a future together.

I apologize for my part in creating an environment that makes your affair with her possible.
I foolishly went on with my life, enjoying my role as mother and house frau, resentfully ignoring your needs.
I was not there for you when you needed me, and we are now both suffering for my mistakes. I wanted to avoid those mistakes, and create a new life for us both that would meet your needs. I was able to once, I was sure I could do it again. Obviously, I could not while another is meeting those needs. I wanted us to be able to rebuild our marriage, meeting each others needs, having fun and earning a living together, a new lifestyle in which everything we did would make us both happy, while avoiding doing anything to hurt each other. We were able to pull together to deal with the kids successfully, (our biggest hurdle/issue), and I hoped we could continue pulling together to tackle our other issues one by one. Maybe someday you will want to give me/us the opportunity.

I must take my focus off of you while I build a new life for myself, so I can't start into the whole lawyer thing right now. At first, I thought it better to get it over with before I do that, but I have rethought it. If you are in a hurry to marry her, go ahead and file, or I will when I'm ready to tackle it. Until then, I will avoid seeing you or communicating with you. I know from experience that it will be too painful. You must know the suffering I've endured because of your relationship with her and watching you build a new life with her kills me. I still love you completely, but I cannot have any type of relationship with you under these conditions. As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from her, I may be willing to discuss our future. I loved you when we married, and I continue to love you to this day, but I can't bear to see you or help you as long as you are with her."

Not perfect but he has pretty much left me alone. The last time, when I impulsively threw him out, he checked temperature every couple of days. This is by far more peaceful for me.

This was his response:

"You have been a saint.

I know it doesn't make sense that when I say I love you that I leave. I just need to finally figure this all out, and I saw no other way. There was just too much pain everywhere.

I may just be an old fool. Don't know. But like I told you. if I am going to be with you I guess it does need to be 100 percent.

This is all hard. I never imagined we would be in this situation. And I am so sorry for the hurt I have done. I wish you knew me even better, and you would understand how all of this also makes me feel.

"As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from her, I may be willing to discuss our future. " I am going to hold you to that. I know it says "may", but I need to hear that.

I do love you very much.

He had said he was not in a hurry to D, and that he would probably be back. (That pissed me off!) I do not believe anything he says however. Lying to me seems a way of life for him now. I keep thinking of him lying about packing to leave (said he was cleaning up his den)....Why lie about that?

Now I believe it comes down to a waiting game between me and OW. How long will she tolerate him not filing (I think she already got D), living w/him in a studio motel room in a scuzzy hood, him still wearing ring and fully supporting me. (I live on a nice 5 acre estate). She had put on a big show of how low maintainence she was, and how she didn't need $ and nice things to be happy, not knowing I was uber frugal and that's half of what got us in this big house with the nice cars in the garage. H is the spender!

I do not want the man he has become. She can have him. The lying, selfish narcissist is NOT the man I've been married to for 24 years! They can have a relationship built on lies, deception, selfishness, and pain caused to others. Sounds like a great foundation! That said, I do hope he is still in there somewhere and will find his way out.

Soryy for going on and on but ya got me thinking! In answer to the question about my intentions.... staying dark is good for ME, that's my concern for today!! And taking the kiddos to see Tooth Fairy!