Onwards and upwards!

[newmama]

P, first and foremost, I can tell you are a loving, devoted dad and another example that proves that is you questioning whether your decision to return the card was intended to punish W or not. JUST QUESTIONING shows you are truly trying to do what's best for D.


But something you said struck me- D deserves stable relationships in her life. It makes complete sense. If you do not plan to encourage a relationship between D and W IF you divorce, then there isn't need to try and keep one now.

I also was thinking but didn't post that maybe you could ask D if she wanted the gift and card. And you did...so now I wonder something else..does she know she can return W's gift?
Oh and I see why you "let" MIL give a gift to D. Makes sense again-MIL didn't hurt D.

Now I hope you don't expect anything to happen if D accepts the gift and calls to thank them. You said you wanted to see if a gesture will be returned. What do you think could happen? What are you expecting to see? Will W reach out to see D? Do not think that it will mean she wants to see you too. My sitch is an example of WH wanting to stay in S's life but 6 months later has not shown an interest in reaching out to me.

Just sharing! Oh and do you still think W is "fighting" to keep in touch with D? I know you reflected on the past with examples of no Christmas card or condolence card. But that was the past and this is more recent.

[P17]

But something you said struck me- D deserves stable relationships in her life. It makes complete sense. If you do not plan to encourage a relationship between D and W IF you divorce, then there isn't need to try and keep one now.

You're right. And my text saying she would call her does nothing but prolong the pain. I did the wrong thing there I think. I tried to do what was right in the short term, but long term I don't think it will be in D's best interests.

I also was thinking but didn't post that maybe you could ask D if she wanted the gift and card. And you did...so now I wonder something else..does she know she can return W's gift?

She'll keep the gift £20 to spend on 'stuff' ... hmmm ...

Oh and I see why you "let" MIL give a gift to D. Makes sense again-MIL didn't hurt D.

She is still W's mum though so I need to be careful.

Now I hope you don't expect anything to happen if D accepts the gift and calls to thank them. You said you wanted to see if a gesture will be returned. What do you think could happen? What are you expecting to see? Will W reach out to see D? Do not think that it will mean she wants to see you too. My sitch is an example of WH wanting to stay in S's life but 6 months later has not shown an interest in reaching out to me.

You know the only thing I'm expecting ... a text saying something like 'thanks'. That was actually it. Nothing more.

Just sharing! Oh and do you still think W is "fighting" to keep in touch with D? I know you reflected on the past with examples of no Christmas card or condolence card. But that was the past and this is more recent.

To be honest Newmama, I simply don't know.

As I've said numerous times, I really am confused over this. I believe that W is doing nothing more than trying to alleviate her own guilt by sending the card. However she has been told by her friend, and me through her friend to leave me and D alone. The 'messages' are littered all over the place - NC, not telling her about my mum, ignoring her about Xmas - it all just says leave us alone. Yet still she continues and I simply don't get it. Even if it is guilt, how often do you need to say 'leave us alone' before she gets' the message.

D and I are a package, W has ALWAYS known this since day 1. She left us BOTH. That's it. Still she continues. There is no conceivable way she could have a normal R with D while she stays with the man she broke our family up for ... it makes no sense and I can't get it through to her. Silly texts like I sent earlier don't help though ...

I love W. I would like nothing more than to R. But I can't see her doing the legwork and at the moment I couldn't emotionally handle it. In the meantime, all I want is to be left alone and for D to be left alone so we can heal and grow through this. In 2, 3, 6 or even 12 months who knows. But now, this is all I want.

[newmama]

P, please don't beat yourself up over the text! I think it shows that 1) You still have her number and have just chosen to not contact her all of this time and
(this next one might be good or bad)
2)she reached out to your D with a gift and that got a reaction from you
3) you have manners (LOL!)
now you just go back to not contacting her again.
Remember, some people have to stay in contact when doing Plan B because of shared custody so they are able to achieve no contact while doing so. I am only saying this to show you that some contact does not mean you have to start all over or that you ruined your plan.

[Day by Day]

Yeah P. I agree with newmama. It wasn't a silly TM. You were simply being polite about the card and voucher. It was nothing more. You can continue with being dark. It didn't change anything... just being polite. It's not an invitation to resume contact.

[P17]

Thanks guys. I appreciate your messages.

Unfortunately, I'm now officially done. Over and out.

I have finally given up on M, R or anything else. I'm finished.

I heard tonight, from D's mum, that W had put on her FB page that she is 'in the process of a divorce'. Not on this planet honey. Only I can file. You're about 18 months from being able to legally do that. If your solicitor thinks he can work that one out I'd be very interested. However, you need to bear in mind that hell will have to freeze over at least twice before I consider doing it. You want a D, you do the legwork sweetheart ... oh and you can pay for it too.

I did what I said I would do with D, I asked her if she would speak to W. She said yes. I dialled the number, D said she left a message as it was voicemail 'Hi W, I really miss you. Bye' is what she said she said.

Ten minutes later, W phoned back. I ignored it. She left a voicemail just saying she was in the toilet, missed the call. I didn't call back.

I did what I said I would do - I asked D to call her, she did. If W isn't there, not my problem.

I go dark again. I am gone. Not that she gives the smallest of cares, but for me contact is gone again. I shouldn't hear from her again for some time. I will heal again.

Spoke to the garage owner at the end of the street. He is a really good guy and one of those guys you just listen to - been around the block and says a little but actually says A LOT, IYSWIM. I see a good mechanic like a good dentist, when you find one hang onto him and for goodness sake don't p*ss him off. He says he sees W coming unstuck. I agree with him. Not for some time though. The EN's are still being fulfilled.

OM also STILL owes him money - okay it's about £20, but that's not quite the point. I actually see a lot in a person's character when they get work done and never pay for it ... hey ho, it made me smile. W will NOt know that OM owes the garage owner money. If she did she'd pay it. She knows the garage owner well and we never mucked him about so OM has either forgotten or lied (as garage owner suspects) to W.

I told him my plans so he'll tell his W who will tell my W ... oh the web's we weave ... news below. He did say he'd also ask his W to see if my W has a new car (as I suspect). He also said if OM brings his car back he won't get it back until he pays all his bills

I was away on Thursday / Friday this week. I went to where I used to live and down to see my dad. I went to my old flat where I used to live. It actually brought back a LOT of memories. It was the first place that me and W ever spent the night together. It was where D spent her first nights with me. It had a lot of nice memories. I drove away with a smile on my face. That smile didn't go for a few hours.

My conclusion ... I need to go. Away from here. Somewhere else.

So, I will be moving around 100 miles away to the next city. I WILL be leaving here sometime soon. Hopefully within the next month, but maybe a bit longer if I can't get a flat. I just need to get away. forget about W. Forget about my life that was and start a new one. I need to heal completely. I need so start again.

W still wants a D. I had my doubts to be honest with not giving me the separation agreement, but she clearly still wants to continue the course and divorce. Good luck to her. Me, I don't care anymore. I will protect me and D. Nothing more.

I think we have the greatest power when we don't care. I have to be honest and say I still care for her and the M - that will take more time to get over. What I don't care about is this house and the money. I have a feeling she thinks that is all I care about which is what the separation agreement is actually about - finances. She will get a bit of a shock when she finds out it's on the market to be sold. I care nothing for it.

I am done. I am finished. I give up. Somebody shoot me

[newmama]

I was watching a silly movie, "Ghosts of Girlfriends Past," and the giggolo uncle tells the main character "the person who cares less is the one with the control of the relationship." So you are on your way to control.

It ain't over til it's over, P!

[P17]

I was watching a silly movie, "Ghosts of Girlfriends Past," and the giggolo uncle tells the main character "the person who cares less is the one with the control of the relationship." So you are on your way to control.

I don't want control - I just want peace and space to heal and get my head sorted. But I know what you mean.

It ain't over til it's over, P!

It isn't newmama, you're right as usual! I don't know. I just know I need to run away to be honest - I need to get away from here and simply start again. If she chooses to follow, that is her choice. As I've said many times, she would have too much work to do to reconcile that it wouldn't be worth her time.

D's mum keeps saying to me I analyse too much. She's right. I do. However I'm confused about the situation - thinks don't add up which makes the analysing just worse I don't see any evidence of FOG, but everybody assures me it's there. I don't know what to make of her Facebook statement about being in the process of divorce - it worried and fascinated me all at the same time. Who is it meant for? As I said unless she has something up her sleeve the START of a divorce is August 2011 as I will not give her one before then. Maybe being on Match.com is considered 'unreasonable behaviour' which is grounds for an immediate divorce (the other being adultery).

Anyway, I'm simply repeating myself. My new motto here is - it is what it is.

I give up.

[newmama]

OK I didn't know if you wanted to analyze why she said
"process of divorce" but let's see here:
-you can be in the "process" between now and 2011, right? She might consider the process having started with the separation. (My WH could be telling people we are in process of D too)
-others may be wondering about her and you and why she is with OM so she can make it look better by changing her status to process of D
-does she know you are on facebook? she could also be posting that to piss you off
-she really is starting the process of divorce but you won't know until you get papers, correct?
I am happy for you to get away! What will your D think? Do people often drive 100 miles to see each other on the weekends over there? Maybe the traffic isn't so bad in the country, right?

[Day by Day]

P, you sound so frustrated... ((hugs)). Your feelings are all over the place. You say you are done, you say you give up yet you care what W puts on her FB page. You want to run away... which sounds good to me. You need a break! You know too much about what W is doing and it's affecting you... Get some blinders on and focus on P more--that's what NC is supposed to be doing for you.

[P17]

P, you sound so frustrated... ((hugs)). Your feelings are all over the place. You say you are done, you say you give up yet you care what W puts on her FB page. You want to run away... which sounds good to me. You need a break! You know too much about what W is doing and it's affecting you... Get some blinders on and focus on P more--that's what NC is supposed to be doing for you.

Hey DBD. You hit it on the head. I do need to get away from here. I think Gnosis also hit it on the head when he said that I basically can't move here without W knowing about it, assuming she's in the slightest bit interested (which I don't think she is).

I am desperate to get away from it all. DESPERATE. I get well. I get good. I get healthy and then BANG the stuff hits the fan again and I'm back at square one. I am simply tired of it all. Day after day after day of this. I never get a break from it. NEVER. And it's taking it's toll on me. It really is. I'm tired. I'm moody. I'm cranky. I'm less tolerant than I was. I really can't take much more.

That is why I am done. I have to be.

She still affects me initially. You're right, the Facebook message. Why? Initially it just brought me down. Now, less than 24 hours afterwards I just think - who CARES?!!? If she D's me, good luck to her. There is NOTHING I can do about it.

But what bothers me is the LIES. More effing lies. And then I think why is she lying and then the brain goes into overdrive to crunch away the why's and wherefore's. Is it to please OM? Maybe he's pushing her for a D? But is she is going for a D why does she think she can keep a relationship with D9 and then my brain starts to flounder in the 'DOES NOT COMPUTE' area and breaks down. I then get very confused and begin to think maybe she knows something I don't. Then I get worried and concerned. Then I go back to the start again crunching the why's and wherefore's ... the loop never stops. My brain never stops. It hurts. I'm sick of it. I'm tired.

The only solution I can see is to completely detach. I just can't do it. I have detached about as much as I can. I can't detach anymore. I simply can't do it. This A is just too much in my face all the time. She lives a stones throw from here. Everybody I speak knows something about it - another little tit bit of information. They either talk to me about the tit bit or they completely blank me and it's because they know something, maybe lies, about it.

While I am here W cannot live her fantasy. Now, I'm not being Mr Nice Guy by allowing her to continue her adultery. What I'm doing is removing all pressure on her A by me leaving. That is the only way it may crumble. While the big bad husband is around they have to stay together as I am pushing them together. Their love will hold me at bay. When I'm gone they can have a normal relationship with all the boring monotony that entails. I'm also removing all pressure on ME by leaving. Getting away is probably the best thing I could do.

To show how much I haven't detached, I'll tell you this. I was thinking. If W did ever want to reconcile, it would be hell to do it up here. EVERYBODY knows what's happened. If I move where I am going to, then nobody would know us. See, can't detach.

Anyway, I have been trying to look at why I am so stuck. It's quite simply the pain. The sudden shock of it and the tossing me to the side so completely. She told D a while ago that she still loved me but is not in love with me - I can't see any love from her at all. I can only see her focused on D. A focus that is just not practical and I still don't get it.

I have said a thousand times but please, somebody, tell me why she thinks that she can have a relationship with my daughter? Under what possible circumstances would you allow your daughter to have a relationship with somebody who has shown themselves to be a liar, deceitful, engage in behaviour that you don't want your child to know about, unstable, inconsistent and generally not really interested in her? As I said, it doesn't matter how many times I go over and over this, I still don't get it.

So there you have it.

Newmama, I know what you are saying above about analysing why she put that. It could be any one of those reasons. Unless I'm wrong, she can't file for D (unless, as I said, being on Match.com is considered unreasonable behaviour for me). So it can only either be for show, the OM, or she is under the illusion that a separation is 'preparing for divorce'. As I said above, after 24 hours I just don't care. W baby, do your worst. You can't do ANY worse to me than you already have - you've broke my heart, you've stamped on my feelings, you've abandoned your step-daughter and husband, and you've lied about the love we had and the memories we've shared in the last 7 years. What exactly can you do to top that? Legal end our marriage? Good luck to you.

With regards to driving 100 miles - I used to drive 600 miles every weekend (300 miles here on a Friday night and 300 miles back on a Sunday night) to see D ... 100 miles I can do in my sleep (not literally of course :)). It's a quiet road.

Another long post. I apologise for ranting and venting. I'm just, scunnered. It's a very good Scottish word (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=scunnered)