Waiting More Than a Dozen Years

[TeaEarlGreyHot]

I am still processing this myself, so understand that this is not some well thought out reply.

I have assumed, for all these years, that if my wife wanted to restart a sexual component, for whatever reason, that I would naturally say yes. As has been noted by others, in other threads, it's not so much the sex and the sexual release as it is the closeness and the intimacy that is shared along with the act itself. I have never been one who would sleep with anyone simply because I had the opportunity. It is not who I am.

I simply assumed that because I desired that level of intimacy once again, that if the chance occurred, I would take it.

Now, this is a woman I have not even slept in the same bed with for the past five years except when we travel and then only when there is one bed to sleep in. Before that, I would at least sleep in the same bed most of the time. It's been so long since we've been in a shower together (until just recently) that I could not even tell you when it was. Maybe 14 or 15 years.

Initially, to get my wife into and out of the shower and washed up really took me getting into the shower with her. Now I'm able to get her into the shower and onto a shower chair. It was during one of these most recent showers that this question arose (for me).

It was never something I had asked myself before. And the internal answer was surprising.

By the time my wife chose to be non-sexual in this marriage, our sex life whad already diminished down to once every eight months or so, and it had already been a source of frustration and complaint for me.

So, this sense of not being sure is a new one for me. I wonder, for example, if it's just coming from a sense of "we've been non-sexual for so long, that any sexual overture from her would be suspect."

Part of that is probably triggered by my having to provide so much care for her at this time. Part of it may simply be "habit." Another part may be me just recounting my life in an autobigraphy. But I was surprised that the question even came up (for me).

There are some significant anniversaries coming up for me. In two weeks, it will be 24 years since my second wife and I first met. In 4 weeks it will be one year since my mother died. In eight weeks it will be 24 years since we first slept together and in 11 weeks it will be 13 years since we last made love.

We are walking up on 13 years of a sexless marriage, not just SSM. So, in 2 weeks when we reach the 24 year milepost, more than half of that time will bhave been spent in a sexless abstinence and when we get to the "13 year" milepost, 74% of the time in that marriage will have been sexless.

Why change?

I'm still sorting that out.