That all sounds good but also a little intense. It's hard not to read things into cards at this point, I'm sure. Sounds like you are going to have to work overtime to remind yourself of baby steps and where you were and how far you've come or the high horse resentment will get you. Dumping obviously isn't the only way to stop fighting, so that would bug me too to hear someone on a high horse about something that had injured me. On the other hand, if you validate it and let it go will he stop rubbing it in your face eventually if you ask him to somehow without accusing him of it? If that makes sense.
Help! My H just informs me, and not on his own, after I had to ask him what his plans are for the weekend that he will be gone until Sunday afternoon. ODP is not working well. I wonder why did he keep this from me. I'm afraid there's an OW. If there's not, why did he hide whatever he is doing from me? I know i don't even have a right to wonder - and it may be nothing. But I feel stupid for getting my hopes up around my birthday. If he has a secret, or an OW, how do I handle it? I guess say nothing and pretend it doesn't bother me. But I'm seeing red right now and he's supposed to come for dinner. I am beginning to feel really taken for granted.
Come on no mind reading, he probably hasnt said because he knew he get the third degree, like the time my H went behind my back to a party when we had previously agreed not to go cos he wont wear his wedding ring and it would be obvious to everyone, he went anyway and never told me he had gone till after.
Well done on getting through the potty moment, and not biting when he told you about going away! your ODP is working even if not 100% realiable just yet.
Take all the cards and birthday stuff with a pinch of salt, in fogland he may have forgotton to not write what he always did although my H stopped writing love you on cards, I never noticed my WA card said just his name at the bottom and just my name at the top till afterwards.
Tomorrow is another day missus keep your head held high and lets see where it take us all!
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
OK, so I handled. ODP worked. I called a friend and vented in her phone then stayed calm. H said he had a horrid day at work, his computer broke - usually this would have had him coming over ready to fight to the death. He talked, I listened, and then I just said I want to know his schedule more ahead of time. He said he was upset that I "accused" him of going away for the weekend and so I apologized and said it's not that big of a deal I just need more notice. It was all super calm on both ends and I just let it go. I reaaaaaalllllly wanted to say "What the heck are you being so secretive about>@!" but didn't.
We had a calm Friday night dinner, our ritual. I commended H on being calm with us through dinner despite his horrible day. H thanked me. I asked for a hug when he left (I know, so unDB of me) and he actually lingered a bit, first time since you know when.
Feeling very proud of myself. And much calmer!! STill suspicious, (you're right, he must be afraid of the third degree - but then he makes me want to third degree him even more when he's secretive...it's a cycle) but hey it's never going to be perfect. Thanks friends for being there for me, esp. LR with the ODP plan - I SERIOUSLY WOULD HAVE MESSED UP WITHOUT YOU!
Determined to keep my happy feelings iwth me through the weekend!
Good job. I feel the same way about secretiveness. LR has a point that it can be caused by the third degree. But some people see a third degree when there isn't one. Why? I'm never secretive so I don't understand the need for it and reasons behind it. Always seems at best odd to me, but I see LR's point.
ODP is the way to go for both of us I reckon, isnt it fun seeing the quizzical look on their faces when we dont bite lol! For me our separation has really made me see things from his side of the plate, ok it would have been far easier if he had talked to me about things but Ive learnt the lesson anyhow.
Really like the sneaky hug you minx, bet it felt dam good to get one and a touch of lingering.. dont ask for one for at least a fortnight now as otherwise you will set off his clingy radar, just let him wonder how long it will be before he gets another offer of a hug, or better still gives you one of his own free will. Or wait till he says something really nice and accidently forget your separated (NOT) and hug then apolagise you just forgot yourself lol!
On the weekend front what ever you do dont be nosy about it, if you need to just say you hope he enjoyed himself and leave it at that. Baby steps mate!
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
I think H is just relieved when I don't freak out. It's crazy = he says his big issue with me is that I freak out, but he keeps throwing flaming darts at me and expecting me not to jump!
I'm just tired and anxious today. I'm terrified of D when it comes down to it - scared of being poor and of having to be apart from my darling child half the week. But if it weren't for those two things, I can't see how this could be worth it any more. I'm tired of the flaming darts being thrown at me. I've never felt totally safe in our R because the love and adoration passed away after a couple years and then more and more nastiness crept up.
I know I have to set more boundaries where this is concerned. So the tiff over S peeing at night was a good place to start. The MC says to detach from the argument, cool down, return to it later and try to really listen. My H is happy to just pull out of any argument these days - it's truly fight or flight with him. But I don't trust he'll come back to the argument later.
I txted him last night and didn't ask, I stated, (trying to be more powerful) that I would like to talk sunday night and would that work for him. He said sure what about and I said the other night. Got only "ok"
Well that's progress that he won't avoid it all together.
I was literally physically sick last night from all the pain we've been through. It's not that I mind being alone with S - I'd like nothing more - I just can't imagine he'll ever come back to me. I fear he'll just love his apt - (he's always been a loner) - and never want to return. sigh.
I know its hard facing up to everything, honestly right now if I won the lottery I dont know what I'd do. I am absolutely mentally and physically about as shattered as I can get. And somehow I just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Believe me I dont think D would be half as scary as we think it is, lets face it we have coped up till now and we would cope if it came to the worst as well, but lets put that aside and focus on going forward. You are getting baby steps every week and I do agree that you have to set boundaries of I have stepped back but were not done on this topic we need to settle it sounds good and its good that he is open to that too. Dont get caught up in mind reading about what you think he will do you dont know and how can you, he is in fogland and hasnt a clue what he is doing and neither do you.
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
I felt like this today too. I wonder if weekends make it worse. I think they bring up the memory of better weekends and how long it's been since I've had one where I felt fully peaceful.
THanks gals - you're the best coaches I could have!
yes, boundaries are next - scaaaaary! Hey - what do I have to lose? We;re already separated!
Went to a job interview today - after childcare, bridge toll and gas, I'd end up with about $12 per day. Depressing.
Oh well, no mind reading, no worrying about the future.
I'm sorry we're all feeling so shattered and fragile. Time to hug ourselves tight and try our best to move ahead. Yes, at times D sounds ok - I guess it wouldn't be as bad as we think. Lord knows I've been miserable a good part of my M. Trying ot look at this as a potential opportunity to fix what was broken. Trying to not fear that H hates me and will never love me again. Feeling the rejection of the LBS. That's common to us all and I know it isn't true.
