I am wondering if she is having some type of social anxiety attacks. You talked about how she hardly ever got outside the house, and then she had that anxiety attack when she was driving. I remember how I felt like I was about to have a nervous break-down at times.
It is most important that she respect you. Do not be a doormat. She will cake eat every opportunity she has and you must not allow her to do that. She wants you in her life as her best friend. She says she loves you but at the same time, she can't stand you. Man does that bring back memories! She needs to realize that you will not be there for her if she does not drop OM instantly. She must realize that you will not be her friend. Can you handle that?
You said the two of you were suppose to have a boundary talk. Does that mean you have mentioned having a boundary talk to her? This is not something you "warn" her about....you just approach her with it.
You say, "When you _____________, I feel ____________. If you continue to ______________, then I will ____________. It is about what you will live with and what you won't. Right now she needs to know what you will not tolerate. Her actions are very disrespectful. She can give you 100 reasons why she got into Internet activity but it still does not justify what she's done.
She is addicted just like a drug addict. She doesn't love OM, but she wants the romance. He simply wants to get into her pants and that's why he's pushing her so hard to "be with her". He's even telling her he doesn't think he can hang on much loner. What she doesn't know...is how many OW he had on the Internet that he's telling the same stuff he's telling your W. But, she won't listen to any of that from you. So, you need to know exactly what you will say to her and stick only to the boundaries and don't get into a R talk. Don't even wait for her to respond. You state what you expect, and then walk away.
The most important part of a boundary is the consequenses. If you can't enforce a consequence to the boundary, then don't waste your breath. You want her to stop all manner of contact with OM (and no tapering off b/c that doesn't work). If she is willing to work on the M then she will stop the EA and show you her emails, TM, calls, etc. A wife should not have anything to hide from her H.
If she is not willing to stop all contact right this minute, then you tell her that you will pack her bags and send them to her parents with or without her but that you will not live in a M where there is a third party in the R. Just b/c it has not gone to a PA does not mean it isn't an A and you don't listen to the bull she give you about it. You will have to be strong not to get sucked into a R talk from her. Stick to the boundary/consequense.
What I would not tell her is that if she isn't willing to do as you state in the boundary, and you send her to her parents.....is that when you send her, you tell her father about the EA.....man to man. If he is a man of honor, then he should respect you for the action you take. Just don't say anything ugly about his daughter. State the facts and leave it at that.
She sounds a lot like I was and I can't help but feel sorry for her....but I also know that you will have to deal with her in tough love. She is like a rebellious teenager with you.
Last edited by sandi2; 01/22/1012:18 AM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi2 Thanks for all the advice. It really does help. She expects me to be ok with her staying in contact with OM as "friends" because she says she has to work on herself before she can make a decision. I know from what little I have gathered that she is still allowing OM to pursue her and when I asked her about it she stated she can't do anything about what he chooses to do and to just trust her. I have already figured Bullshit. I am gathering intel right now to cover my own back.
No I did not bring up the boundaries talk she stated that we need to have a talk when I get back if living in the same house is going to work. I figured this would be a good time to state my boundaries as well.
I agree she is addicted...Not just to the fantasy romance but I think to the internet period. She says the only thing that bothered her about OM was that he had so many women on his myspace page but that he took them all off without her asking. He really is laying it on thick. I have heard her say she mentioned something to him and then he turns around and does it and plays it in such a way she thinks he did it by "reading her".
Sandi2 I love her enough to stick this out and I believe enough in my marriage to do the hard things. I also love myself enough to do the hard things.
If you do not mind me asking...You said you were a former WAW. Could you please let me know what it took for you to come out of the fog and see things for what they were?
I could tell you one thing you need to do. Even though she's okay with being "friends" with this guy - you aren't. She has to respect that. Right now she treating you like a door mat "look I can do what I want and you can't do anything about it."
You need to tell her that she is married and that by doing so she is disrespecting you. She will tell you that she's not and will justify her actions as to how "confused" she is, blah blah blah. That is her choice. What she chooses to believe is her choice.
YOU, however, have a choice as well. And that is to not be disrespected as a man. You could tell her "Wife, I understand that you need to figure things out for yourself, however it will not be at the expense of disrespecting me and our M." Get that out of the way so she knows CLEARLY where you stand.
Show her that it is HER choice and thus has to deal with the consequences that come along with it.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I see your point. And thanks for the advice. I will definitely be turning it over in my head. I go home tomorrow and then Sunday she is driving me to Boone where I have to stay the night so I can get my car Monday so I think I will have this talk with her Monday. She is not going to like it but oh well. Your right she is not respecting me and I have come to a place where I am caring enough about myself that I can't allow that. I know she is going to throw that I do not consider us married anymore crap at me and life is a matter of perspective and I have nothing to feel guilty about because I have tried everything I can and am willing to do and I do not believe in marriage anyways it is just an archaic Christian institution. The other thing I know she will throw at me is I asked for time and you won't give it to me. I will tell her that I will give her all the time in the world as long as OM is out of the picture. She is stating that nothing is happening but I will know a hell of a lot more by Mon. I have a feeling it is only going to confirm what little I have already found out. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck it must be a duck.
Sandi2 I believe you are right that this is going to take a lot of tough love. I think dburt hit the nail on the head when he said that she is trying to solidify me. Well I am her husband not her back up plan.
If she chooses to not let the OM go then I will do what I have to do then.
Sandi2 when you get the chance would you still tell me what snapped you out of the fog. Thanks.
She contacted me to talk on facebook IM tonight. It is almost as if she knows something is getting ready to happen or she is getting ready to drop something. She has been overly friendly and talkative today now that I think about it and I do not know if this is a good thing or if I need to be careful because something is getting ready to happen.
Sandi2 when you get the chance would you still tell me what snapped you out of the fog. Thanks.
It was a combination of things that hit about the same time and I think that is why exposure works in some cases. I don't know that I have told this but maybe once b/c of reasons i won't go into, but one of my grown children knew of my EA and confronted me. There is no way that I can explain my humiliation. I had spent my entire life being a person of respect (especially to my family) and I had so carelessly threw it by the wayside.
Being a Christian, I was dealing with a lot of conviction over my EA. Even when I was trying to get a grasp and control my behavior, I would go to Church and pray.....then go back home and give in to the addiction the Internet/OM pull on me.
I had been stuggling with myself but when my child confronted me face to face and told me "everything" I had been doing....there was no way around it. I was so ashamed and I remember asking if my child thought it was too late for my H to still love me. I was told he loved me more than any man could ever love me but that I had hurt him more than I'd ever know b/c he would not let that hurt show in front of me. And, he didn't! I saw his anger, and I saw his determination of me not contacting OM in our home, but I never saw him act weak in any way in my presence. He did his suffering in private.
That had more impact on me than any one thing, but God was working on my heart and I knew that in reality, I could not go live the lifestyle I had fantazied about and expect God to be in my life. The thing is, I had always had God in m y life since I was a child. I knew for Sandi, it had to continue to be that way.
In many ways, my stitch was a little bit different from others but not entirely (and I won't go into all of that). I had enough exposure to know a tiny bit of the effects.
Anyway, there is nothing like having your grown child confront you about your behavior and you feeling like you are the disobedient kid and they are the adult parent!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I wanted to add this: I believe for every person there is at least one thing that is vitally important to them. They will strive to protect that one thing or to maintain it, etc. I had lived my entire life as a role model for a lot of people.....and especially my family. I had worked hard to have a good name in my community. I knew I was well respected. That was my one thing that was so important.....my good name. May sound strange to some, but it's a long story.
I was older than most of those who come here to the board looking for help. So, when it all blew up in my face, I had to realize that I was too old to be thinking of A's and starting completely over with a different life that was opposite from what I had lived. "Reality" hit me in the face. I had been having a crises about getting older, losing my youth & my looks. When I finally came to terms with "that", then I could deal with other issues.
I don't know that I helped you with my aNswer. Everyone is a bit different even though most the stories sound alike.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, Thanks for the perspective your sitch seems to describe my wife,(age, lose of youth, looks, etc) She has an immense desire to be a person of respect and being perfect within family and community. Now she is dealing with that exposure of her A. This will be a big blow to her(consequences). So glad you are here.
Well yesterday mroning I recieve two calls from a prepaid number that has only one digit difference from OM's telling me that I need to stay away from home.She loves hom not me and various other thigs pertaining to their personal conversations as well as a threat if I mention anything about the calls. Funny thing is is that he was on the phone with her when the 2nd call came in but the voices were alike. Any ideas on how he did this. When I confronted her she was upset but says because she was on the phone with him at the time of the 2nd call she does not know what to believe. I showed her phone records as well as my phone . Upon further investigation I was able to trace the phone to the county OM works in and lives next to. It was a pre pay. She says she does not know what to believe because I was able to tell her things only they discussed. I set a boundary here and told her OM has to get out of the picture. I will not be threatened and harrassed and there is a level of human decency and respect that has been crossed. SHe said she does not know what to believe.
She also stated last night that the marriage was complewtely over and that she would be moving out of the house in mid Feb back to her parents. SHe moved into the 3rd bedroom last night very upset that I stood my ground and slept in MY bed.
We also had the best friends talk. I stated that I believe in our marriage that I do not believe the affair is right but that I can not continue to enable what she is doing to which she responded that she was hurt because there is noone she trusts more and that she does not want to lode her best friend. As hard as it was I stood my ground because the fact is I will be respected. After the phone calls yesterday how can she honestly spew this stuff at me and expect me to be at her beck and call? Even the best friends thing is crap. I would NEVER have put up with that from anyone. I am continuing my 180's and she has made several comments on my changes usually followed up with the statement that I am going to make someone really happy one day.
Any advice or comments? This is REALLY hard. Also I confronted the internet thing which she actually accepted but I think that is just because she has made plans to move out.
