Onwards and upwards!

[P17]

Thanks guys for your messages.

This may seem like a tiny issue outside of here but I have actually been thinking about it all night. I just want to do the right thing for D, the M, W, and me I suppose. I have to keep asking myself, over and over, am I doing this to punish W? The answer I keep getting to that one is no, I don't think I am punishing her. I am trying to protect D and me in general and in this case just D.

I don't believe that W does actually care for D at all. I believe that it's nothing more than guilt and a desire for D not to hate her. This is why she was so annoyed when D was told all about what was happening (age appropriately of course).

From the time W left the house here until today she has not contacted me ONCE to ask how D was, how she was getting on at school, yada yada - even in the two and a half months between her leaving and NC being put in place. She had my house number, my mobile number and D's mum GAVE HER her house number and said she could speak to D anytime. She did nothing at all. No calls. No texts. I even texted her at one point to say D had a good first day back at school after the holidays and didn't even get a reply.

She didn't send D a card at Xmas. She didn't send her a condolence card when my mum died.

So I can see what you guys are saying but it just doesn't add up, to me anyway, when you look at the big picture.

The R between D and W is gone as far as I am concerned. W has made a choice on what to do with her life. She chose to leave me and D and not fight for our M. While I can understand that people with children together need to bring them up, W is only D's step-mum. If anybody else acted towards D in the manner that W has over the last 6 months I would do the same thing and cut them off.

D needs stable loving relationships in her life. She doesn't need a R with a woman who left her, wouldn't even tell her about the situation (I had to do it), tries to use her as a pawn against me and tries to contact her, I believe, to satisfy some of her own guilt.

D needs to move on with her life and, I believe, contact with W only serves to remind her what W has done to her, what she has lost and will only lead to her being upset. The dog that W and I had, W has taken too. I haven't seen the dog in probably 3 months. It has a new 'daddy' now. D also misses the dog but again, no 'visitation' with the dog (for want of a better phrase). She has a 'new man' too. It feels a little like 'I have a new life now and it's separate from yours but I will dip in and out of yours when I feel like I need some EN's filled'. That's what D is, an EN. Plain and simple.

And that to me is the crux - cake eating. I know you said you didn't think it was happening newmama, but I have to disagree. W wants to feel that she is still a good person by sending D a card etc. You know, she is still trying to keep that contact there as that's what good people do. Unfortunately, she does it when she feels like it.

DBD, Maybe she is coming out of the fog. I don't know. At the moment, for all the love, pain, hurt and desire I have for her, I don't want her back just now. I don't want to go through that hell again. I'm not strong enough. So if the fog is lifting, I would hope to see other signs of it shortly.

Newmama, I did let (and I hate that word as it feels like I am controlling D - I I'm not - I'm just trying to protect her) - or should I say I had no issues with - MIL giving D a present. MIL didn't do anything and has expressed a desire to see her this year. So I'm fine with that. I don't believe MIL will be detrimental to her and even given the sitch has expressed a desire to be interested in her life. D has lost one grandparent recently and I wouldn't want her to lose another (biological ones or not).

You also asked if W will have a relationship with D after a divorce. No. I don't want her having a relationship with her now so I couldn't see her having one with her after divorce. If, when D is older, she wants to go away and look W up and have a relationship with her that that is cool. That is up to her at that stage. But not now. I don't see it as benefiting D.

So, after all that you are thinking he's sent the card back to W.

Yes?

No. I decided to do a 180. I decided to give D the option. She chose to see the card. I decided to put my head above the parapet and see if W is still shooting at me. I just went against everything I said above. I just wanted to do something different.

After two months of NC (which as I've said before is nothing) I wanted to try something different to see what results it would have.

So today (or tomorrow - you know what kids are like!) I will get D to phone MIL and W to say thank you for their cards and gifts. I will see what results that brings if any. Then I will go dark again. There is no reason for W or MIL to contact me again until Xmas so I'll likely not hear from them until then. Unless MIL wants to see D.

My birthday is Thursday and I don't expect a card / gift from either of them.

Today is the two month anniversary since I last spoke to W.