Looking for Advice

[rr22]

I don't think her mental energy is necessarily being consumed with OM grief because she said she's out of energy. If she has a long list of pre-existing problems with you that you knew about or didn't that she expected you to mindread and fix, sometimes they say they are drained of energy too. If they have been sitting back and feeling negative about you for a year or so, that is.

[gutwrenching]

I just hope you didn't make a bad decision out of your ragged emotions.

No decision has been made, I know it is probably a little hard to follow, but I was able to use some favors to buy me some time. I have to let people know by Monday morning on if I continue to allow them to put my name on the short list or if I cash out and burn bridges and get my name removed. W is going to be part of the decision process, as I told her, I will make the decision if necessary but since this effects, me, you, our kids, and us, I think we should try to figure out together what is the best solution. In fact, as I type here she says she is writing down some of the pros and cons of things and just some general thoughts on the matter.

I am not...as you said too ragged right now. Good word. Had a long day without all this stuff too.

Thanks Sandi

[gutwrenching]

if she has a long list of pre-existing problems with you that you knew about or didn't that she expected you to mindread and fix, sometimes they say they are drained of energy too. If they have been sitting back and feeling negative about you for a year or so, that is.

All of what you say seems to be true. There were pre-existing problems I didn't fix, there were ones I was supposed to mind read, and then there was one or two that I'll swear to this day were just made up. But I am accountable for a majority and yes W says she has been feeling negative for a while (year or more) and then in the summer went over the edge and here's where we are now. And of course, EA is a factor that can't be denied as part of it.

[rockedworld]

Hi GW,

Although true DBing says to avoid R talks, you and your W are im a unique sitch where this has to happen to make choices about your job.

So, just try to stay as true to DB principles as you can during those talks. Validate her feelings, but set the boundaries and state where you are clearly and confidently. Be cool and confident, look good, smell good... and stand your ground. Do what is best for you and the kids.

You can do this!

[gutwrenching]

Rocked - thanks for the words of encouragement. I really do feel I did as well as I could have today. I turned a discussion of what should we do into more and finally got over some fear of pushing her away and stood my ground. Right now, things don't seem any worse than they were. The fact she is supposedly thinking about what we should do is actually probably a positive. W has never once before told me she was thinking about the future...it was always give me space so I can see if I can ever get feelings back again. I on the other hand am not thinking about it much at all tonight. I need to back away...just needed to come read here and then my friend posts which was so nice to see. Thanks.

Anxiety is back tonight, that is no surprise though with the day I had both with work and with all the R talk.

I might have pushed a little too hard today at least according to DB principles, but with such a potentially short timeline, I decided it is what needed to be done. And I balanced the pushing of I want an effort with the I won't be your doormat anymore and I am tired of the all the BS (deceit, treated poorly, etc). And I did a lot of validating. That one I've got down pat these days.

So now we have about 48 hours to figure things out and for once, it appears she is thinking more about things than I am! That role reversal feels good.

[gutwrenching]

I just realized I did have a admission of notice of a change today. I don't know if it is positive or not. But W said to me something to the effect of the best thing that has come of this sitch is that I had become the father I should always have been. Now that was tempered with it makes her angry but the way she phrased it, it sure sounded like she believed it was a lasting change.

[Lost Rabbit]

Well GW I reckon you made the very best out of a sticky situation, youve definitely grown "a pair" as the boys would say on here. Just be kind to MrsGW while she is thinking this weekend her head already hurt with all the crap going round in it and this emergency decision will have added a whole new pile.

Just be MrGW with that smile and confidence, as you RW said "looks good" "smells good" and definitely wants MrsGW, she needs to know that even if she says she doesnt. She might not feel anything but in her heart she still is a seventeen year old lass who wants to be swept off her feet by a Knight in shining armour, we all are still lol!

Maybe make her a few extra cuppa's this weekend, cook breakfast do odd little things for her, and if she asks why just say you know its a hard task to decide what do and your just being supportive.

Its good that you got a glimpse of change, maybe the conversation will jolt her out of her fog a bit, but dont get expectations you know where they lead!

Huge (()) its gonna be a long weekend for you!

[Gardener]

Hijack for Sandi2

I am still avoiding telling what branch of military and location...we are kind of anamoly...people would know pretty quick.

Oh no, don't do that. Not neccessary, anyway.
I don't know. I've already deleted one post I was going to send you. The military! That isn't like putting in a job application and then changing your mind and saying you don't want it. (Maybe things are different these days.... )
Well, it will certainly test the MR and if she does follow you, then that should be a pretty good sign she's trying! I just hope you didn't make a bad decision out of your ragged emotions.

Sandi, May I ask you to take a look at 2 posts over at my new home at Surviving The Big D (Soaring Solo 2010): Sunday 1/17 @ 8:13 and Today, 1/23 @ 3:32. I'm interested to know if you think I'm seeing a glimmer of change here or just more of the same WASness.
Thanks so much
END Sandi2 Hijack

[sandi2]

I don’t know that much about how the military operates with couples & transfers. I was having a bit of a problem understanding…..but that was me, not you. I probably misunderstood your reasons behind your actions.

Has she given any positive hints about her joining you if you get this promotion?

[gutwrenching]

She seems willing to be at the same location regardless of the promotion, but W will not commit to still being together or D with joint custody at same location. At one point she even said it might be easier if we were D and just good friends without any of the pressure/stress we have now. In fact at one point she said it might b The big issue for me is this, if I get this job, I leave in Feb and W and kids in June. I can't see that as being good for getting M back. I also fear EA would go full up again.

That right now is my biggest issue that I am struggling with. Any thoughts on that Sandi or others?