I'm one of those who would kill to hear his W say she would go to MC to try to work on he M. I don't think her saying that would cause me to have any confidence that our M would be saved, but it would be a CHANCE, which is more than I have right now.
As long as you can handle it, what do you have to lose by returning to MC? If she is simply seeking validation for her desire to D you, you can shut the MC down. But if she is truly interested, well, who knows.
For me, I wanted to continue trying to improve myself and do everything I could to be a better husband and father. In the end, I wanted to be able to tell my kids (one day) I did everything I could to try to save the M. And I feel like I could tell them that.
Another thing I learned is that if I made several changes in me, for me, and none of them had any impact upon my W, then I have a lot less to do with the cause of her unhappiness than I first thought.
I'm coming late to this thread, so I don't think I understand all that has happened. But I see that you and your wife are trying to communicate, really communicate, through letters. And that is very familiar to me. Because Retrouvaille is a method of saving marriages by teaching the partners to communicate effectively through letters. So, I think you should ask your wife to go to a Retrouvaille weekend with you. You can find the weekends on the website, www.helpourmarriage.org.
The are many differences between your letters and Retrouvaille letters. They explain not only how to write the letters, but also how to read the letters, and how to discuss the letters. And they give you specific questions to answer in the letters. The entire process is very well directed to maximize the effective communication between the spouses.
I think you and your wife are very ready for the Retrouvaille experience, and would get a lot out of it. There is a lot more info on Retrouvaille on a thread in Piecing called "Retrouvaille means Change."
I asked her to come to MC. She said yes. But she is adamant about the letter she wrote. Then we talked about her job, our kids,parents, and some other things. She didn't sleep very well the rest of the night and is up now watching TV.(4 am) Maybe she is peeking out of the tunnel. She still seems to be in turmoil, but it is much quieter. Maybe I pushed to much. I don't know.
gima, I don't know if she agreed to come to work on our marriage or she just agreed to come.
She's up watching TV at 4 am...and you are up on the computer. Who watches the watchman? : )
A VERY late work night for me. 5 am my time...which means 9 am on the East Coast.
Have a good weekend my friends. My son turned 14...5 hours ago. Sleep, for 4 hours wake up and give him his presents. Dodge the nerf gun bullets and the dagger looks from my wife. : ) Holy crap...I'm slap happy.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
gima, I don't know if she agreed to come to work on our marriage or she just agreed to come.
I'm starting to think that M is about actions, not motivations. Agreeing to MC is a huge action in a positive direction. I'm with other posters that I would be thrilled if my H was willing to do that. It would give me a lot of hope, even if I knew that H had little hope/motivation to work on things. The hope of MC is that it will create new opportunities for resolution and connection.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
The hope of MC is that it will create new opportunities for resolution and connection.
We have been in C for 6 months. With MLC it is best to keep expectations at zero. I admit that I am not doing that but I understand where all the other posters are coming from.
Hi OP- I think it is a good sign that your W is willing to go to MC however, please keep your expectations at zero. I know you know a little about my sitch. My H and I have been going to MC somewhat consistantly for almost 2 years. Our relationship and ability to communicate has improved but the M isn't the problem. It is possible that MC will help your W see some of her own issues so I don't think it is a waste of time. I've just learned that MC isn't necessarily the most direct route to solving the real problem.
I agree with you upside. The only other positive thing that has happened is my W pulled a stationary excercise bike out of the basement and she told me last night that she is riding it 30 mins a day. This can't hurt the serotonin levels and might be the most positive thing of all.
My W was officially terminated from her job effective yesterday. She got the FedEX letter today. She is really a mess. I feel bad for her. I got home and she was riding her bike. Ok we will see, what this brings.
