Looking for Advice

[gutwrenching]

And the M and future talks continue. I was given a couple of hours to pull my name from job consideration and burn all the bridges that go along with that. If I knew I could get my W back, I'd do it in a heartbeat. If we end up in D, that would be a terrible decision. W is part of it too, because it is her career too...she is being set up well as part of the GW team.

So we just talked for an hour and I actually used some of the suggestions from Deep. I worked them in there.
- I told W I was tired of being a doormat and I was tired of zero effort from her. I was tired of her being in a fog and not even being "there" when she was around. I told her I had to have an effort. Her reply was at first, well you I stopped being hostile and we're friends again and civil, etc. I told her no that wasn't an effort, that was just being respectful and we both deserve respect. Then the next answer was more predicatble. I got the I don't feel anything, I don't know if I will. She also talked about the anger she feels when she sees me being a great dad when she her heart should be melting with joy and that is an issue with her. I told her she should see IC for that.

I did tell her I want W and M and family. I did tell her I was tired of being a doormat and would not be one any more. I told her she has been in a fog for months now and not giving us any effort at all and I thought the fog had to do with conflict and confusion over feelings for OM. That led to a dsicussion about how I think she is still contacting him and how. She swears she isn't, I pushed it as far as I could and now just have to let go. She says she was stupid, it was a mistake, she can't do that, the only way for her to deal with it is to let go. She won't let him contact her. That's what she said.

She said that she is too tired to try. She says a M or R has to be built on a foundation of love and trust and right now neither of us trust each other at all. I told her we could get the trust back and we have to see if we can get the L back or not.

I did give her a version, maybe not strong, but a version of the "I get it" spiel. I told her I was starting to undestand the no feelings becaues I was losing feelings for her every day because of the secrecy, the betrayal, the lies, and the way I'm being treated as a doormat with no effort on her part. And I think I did use the word it was unnatractive. So I get it, and its no place to be, but that doesn't mean I'm just going to quit. She didn't like that word at all...again she said it wasn't about quitting, it was about she tried for years and now doesn't feel anything and has no energy left.

From there I think I transitioned to that's why maybe I should burn bridges and turn down this job because we have accelerated our timelines and don't know if we can ever get there. We're not ready for this accelerated timeline and I think I know what your answer will be if you had to decide now.

I also asked her if I got this job would she then try to get a job somewhere else. She swore she would never do that. If we D, she wants it like her parents completely friendly and ammicable. That would be mean and deceitful. She says what if we just D and have joint custody and go back to being friends with no pressure of anything else. I don't remember exactly how I responded to that, but I think I used the kids and what is best for them and despite losing feelings for her with every passing day, that I am willing to try for the kids, for me, for her, and for us. in hindsight, I probably should have said I will not just agree to D, that is not how I view things. I should have gotten to the point where it had to be her decision and she should have to deal with the consequences

I wasn't mean, I didn't yell, but I tried to be very forcefull and confident, I know I was calm.

She had to run, we have to finish the conversation and reach a decision. I think I'm going to keep my name in the hat for the job and that is scaring the crap out of me right now. I will still hope deep down that I don't get it. But I think she needs to be part of this decision, it impacts both of us and our kids and I did tell her that a couple of times. And thus I wait for the call back

And moving forward, I think now I need to back off. I need to give her time to digest, I need to continue to detach, I have made progress in last couple of days but I am not there yet. I think we should try to have a peaceful Friday night, maybe just watch some TV together.

Thoughts/comments/reactions/2x4s?