Thanks for your words of encouragement. It means a lot that you understand. Having said that, my despair just gets worse. I try not to think of my wife and my daughter. But then it sneaks up on me like a bad case of heartburn. How can i face my little girl after this? How can I even face my ex? I don't want to see them but i do.
I truly feel that this thing will control me forever. That even though some people may have an AHA moment as to why i did what i did, the consequence is still the same. I fully own what i did. Or do i? If i am an addict, am I really owning it? Or just saying that I couldn't help myself because thats what easier.
I don't know...being an addict brings about a whole set of issues i did not even think about.
If i cheated on my wife because i was not satisfied with her, i can understand that. But cheating on my wife, because i can't stop myself? That is something I do not know how to comprehend.
How am I addicted to myself?
How can I not stop? Why can't I stop? Do i want to keep going because I am not hurting anyone?
I couldn't maintain that intimate bond with my wife because of this. I withdrew further and further. I knew she deserved better. I said to myself, one day i will just wake up and be closer to her and it will all go away. It did not happen. I wanted it to happen. Or did i? Was it just easier for me to sneak around? I never loved anyone i was with. I only loved her.
