For as long as i can remember, i have had this problem. When i met my wife, i didn't think it was ever going to happen to me again. But it did. Instead of focusing on my relationship with her, I focused on hiding this from her and still getting my fix. I lied , i lied i lied. I was believable. But the strain of it became too much for me. I retreated within myself. Hid my true feelings and flew off the handle when confronted about my inability to share my true feelings. That is what led to the disconnect. Please understand that I love her very much. What i did, i did. that much is true. WHy i did it, i do not know. I could not stop myself. Call me disgusting, call me low, call me whatever you want, i deserve it. But i did try to stop only to be worse off that before. You may not like what i did. I sure as hell don't, but i am trying to rectify it. Help? How can I be helped? I do not know even where to start. I have gone to a meeting, only to be confused about what I really have. I have an appointment with a specialist next week, but even that does not sound hopeful to me. Bottom line is that i am broken. That much i know. I have been broken for a long time and for a long time i have struggled to admit it. I am sorry for those that are hurt by this admission. I was among you acting like a victim, when in reality i was the cause. Does this mean i did not love my wife? NO...and NO...and NO. I regret everything that happened. And i deserve fully the consequences i am receiving. Everyone says -take control-get help- etc, but i do not have control. I never had it. I am in disbelief bout this myself.
Call it a pity party, whatever, i am here and i am sharing and that is the only thing i know how to do.
I apologize if caused people harm. My intentions where in the right place. I did want to help people and I did appreciate the help i received.
I realize that most of you hate me because the very thing that i did was done to you. Believe me (or not) when I tell you how incredibly sorry I am for brining this crap in here. I ...I want to get better, but i don't think i will.
Faith aside, i will forever be labeled this way. You reap what you sow that is for damned sure.
My last post was the pity party. You are still in it but I understand better why. I doubt anybody hates you in here. We all try to help. However, step one is to stop feeling sorry for yourself.
Me 36, W 34 | D 8 | M 3.5y Sep 2Aug09 | Left 6Sep09 | OM in 10Oct09 | NC 17Nov09 | Gave up caring - Jan 2010
"Have integrity. Do what is right, not what is expedient." "Delay is the antidote for anger"
P17 Feeling sorry for myself isn't really what i feel. I feel disgusted with myself. I feel unable to control myself. Can you be more specific as to how not to feel sorry for yourself? Are you saying i feel sorry for myself because i am posting what i did? If so how else can i convey my problem? Does the fact that i do not know how to proceed convey pity towards myself? Am I looking for approval? I do not think so. What is the point? You approve, I still feel like dirt. You don't approve, i still feel like dirt. Why do I feel like dirt? Because what i have/did is something shameful and shame is the greatest fear i have. Should i be positive now? should i go and be gung ho about getting help? I wish that i could. Believe me. I do not want or need your pity. What i want is unattainable. What i want is a time machine what i want is a normal life. what i want is a second chance.
Will get get any of that? No. That is how I feel. So step one....feeling sorry for myself? I think not. I feel sorry for the pain i caused. I loathe the other side of me.
I do remember feeling like you did at one time. I likened it to a murderer. How can a murderer rectify what he/she has done? THey can't, and they live with what they have done the rest of their life. When I shared that a long time back a friend of mine on here pretty much told me that having an affair and murdering was not equally comparable. Yet, that's how I felt.
I think it is admirable that you came clean and told the real story. That is the first step, and knowing how people would react must have made it kind of hard as well. I went and confessed to a priest as well. What we did will never go away, and there will always be guilt. What I think to myself is that I am now a different person...I know better...I see clearer.....I am closer to God. I got help, and helped myself. I still struggle, though.
You can only do something from this day forward. You can change with help.
Again, I'm sorry for the feelings you are experiencing...I know them well. When it is quiet and I'm suppose to be sleeping, that is when it is the worst....when people say, "how do they SLEEP at night!!!???" They are right, we don't.....but, it does get better.
I get the impression you are feeling sorry for yourself. You feel disgusted with yourself. You feel you are a bad person. You feel you have caused so much hurt and you deserve to be hated and punished.
THAT is feeling sorry for yourself.
I don't know you sitch other than what you posted here but I'll tell you what I am basing what I say on.
You had multiple affairs on your W? Okay.
You lied, cheated and played the victim in here? You did that unknowingly? You did that honestly not knowing your addiction?
You have since discovered you are a sex addict?
If that is all correct then I applaud you. I don't hate you.
Yeah, you cheated on your wife. You lied, cheated and did everythign each and every one of our WAS's have done to us. You were a scumbag. You hurt the person you loved.
But what you have done is something incredibly difficult. You have come on here and apologised. Okay, it sounds like a 'woe is me' tale from my POV, but you could just have disappeared never to return. You could have created a new account under a different name and we wouldn't have known the difference.
You didn't. You came back. You stood up and said you had a problem, apologised for what you have done.
Commendable.
I bet each and every single one of us in here wish our WAS had the balls you have for doing that.
What I said earlier still stands. You need to grow a pair and get some help. BUT it sounds like you are trying that already. Once again I applaud this. You know you have a problem and you're working on it. The rest of us in here are doing the same thing - we all have out own problems, addictions or whatever else and we are tackling them.
I still maintain that step 1 is to stop feeling sorry for yourself. If you truly feel you don't then skip step 1. I would say step 2 is to forgive yourself but that is what you're counselling will help you with. You will never be able to move on until you forgive yourself.
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Feeling sorry for myself isn't really what i feel. I feel disgusted with myself. I feel unable to control myself. Can you be more specific as to how not to feel sorry for yourself?
Accept that you have a problem and deal with it in an adult way. You can't keep beating yourself over and over and over. What does it achieve? It makes you feel like a terrible person. It makes you feel sorry for yourself.
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Are you saying i feel sorry for myself because i am posting what i did? If so how else can i convey my problem? Does the fact that i do not know how to proceed convey pity towards myself?
Convey your problem using facts, feelings AND SOLUTIONS.
'I feel disgusted with myself today again for what I did to W but I read my book / ran a few miles / said a prayer / wrote my journal and I feel better now. I know I hurt her badly but I hope to one day be able to forgive myself'.
How about that. Facts, feelings and what you are doing about it.
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Am I looking for approval? I do not think so. What is the point? You approve, I still feel like dirt. You don't approve, i still feel like dirt. Why do I feel like dirt? Because what i have/did is something shameful and shame is the greatest fear i have.
This is what I am talking about. You feel bad. You are bad. You are a bad person.
STOP IT.
None of our spouses are BAD PEOPLE. You're not a BAD PERSON. You're a person, just like the rest of us, who made a few bad decisions and you've landed yourself here. If you're an addict then you have that extra burden to carry. But you're NOT a bad person.
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Should i be positive now? should i go and be gung ho about getting help? I wish that i could. Believe me. I do not want or need your pity.
Slow the horse down there. You do NOT have my pity. I feel for you, but I don't feel sorry for you. You made the decision you made. They were not forced upon you.
However, you should be trying to see the positive in things rather than the negative. Negativity is a dark road with no lights - the longer you walk that path the harder it is to come off of it.
Positives? You are getting help. You grabbed your b*lls and stood up, said you had a problem, admitted misleading people, apologised, and are trying to see help. That's a huge positive - as I said, you didn't need to do that.
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What i want is unattainable. What i want is a time machine what i want is a normal life. what i want is a second chance.
This is all negative nonsense.
What do you want and why is unattainable? If it IS a time machine, then yeah, it is unattainable. As for wanting a normal life and a second chance (with W?) those are both attainable. You get both of these by working on yourself. You won't have a normal life if you convince yourself you're worthless.
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Will get get any of that? No. That is how I feel.
That maybe how you FEEL. But you sound like your feelings are a little irrational so maybe you should try and be realistic.
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So step one....feeling sorry for myself? I think not. I feel sorry for the pain i caused. I loathe the other side of me.
Loathing the other side of you is good. But note what you said - THE OTHER SIDE OF YOU. You sound like you have a good side and a bad side - yeah? Then there is another positive - you are a good guy, you just have a bad side - like the rest of us. Yours may be more extreme, I don't know. But if you loathe if then maybe this will motivate you to seek help and change it.
Me 36, W 34 | D 8 | M 3.5y Sep 2Aug09 | Left 6Sep09 | OM in 10Oct09 | NC 17Nov09 | Gave up caring - Jan 2010
"Have integrity. Do what is right, not what is expedient." "Delay is the antidote for anger"
Thanks for your words of encouragement. It means a lot that you understand. Having said that, my despair just gets worse. I try not to think of my wife and my daughter. But then it sneaks up on me like a bad case of heartburn. How can i face my little girl after this? How can I even face my ex? I don't want to see them but i do.
I truly feel that this thing will control me forever. That even though some people may have an AHA moment as to why i did what i did, the consequence is still the same. I fully own what i did. Or do i? If i am an addict, am I really owning it? Or just saying that I couldn't help myself because thats what easier.
I don't know...being an addict brings about a whole set of issues i did not even think about.
If i cheated on my wife because i was not satisfied with her, i can understand that. But cheating on my wife, because i can't stop myself? That is something I do not know how to comprehend.
How am I addicted to myself?
How can I not stop? Why can't I stop? Do i want to keep going because I am not hurting anyone?
I couldn't maintain that intimate bond with my wife because of this. I withdrew further and further. I knew she deserved better. I said to myself, one day i will just wake up and be closer to her and it will all go away. It did not happen. I wanted it to happen. Or did i? Was it just easier for me to sneak around? I never loved anyone i was with. I only loved her.
The "bad case of heartburn" feeling....it will get better. But, it will always be there. If it wasn't, it would be worse...that would mean you didn't have a conscience.
Have you told your wife? If/when your wife or daughter find out what you did, they have every right to have the feelings they will have. But...people make mistakes. We are human. This is where I would share my faith with you if you believed.
It sounds like you are questioning your addiction. This is where a professional can help you. Whether it is an addiction or not, you didn't stop yourself from doing something you knew you should not do. Either way, you will get help from a professional on how to deal with this.
I compare my affair to a drug. I don't believe I had a sexual addiction, but I was addicted to the high of the affair. I knew it was wrong, but I could not stop at the time. The pull was always there to call, to check the computer, to go by his house, etc. When I ended the affair, I went through a "withdrawal" for sure. My faith, pure will, and my h's knowledge of the affair and full transparancy I offered to him, helped me get through it. The aftermath is the hardest part. The rebuilding is hard. The memories.
Tell me what is going on right now with your situation. Are you divorced? Does she know?
