Can any good come out of giving W some "space"

[Wholeagain]

I think you did it right. She got the message that you have a mind of your own and she cannot have you as a safe backup.

Feeling different is good. You've been in the stages of denial and bargaining for so long, going through acceptance must feel quite different.

Be prepared for your W to start calling you up and sending her "friends" to find out what's up with you, now that you are dropping the rope.

[brknheart]

Be prepared for your W to start calling you up and sending her "friends" to find out what's up with you, now that you are dropping the rope.

I doubt she even cares anymore, really. I saw it in her eyes today, something different than before. Maybe I didnt see it before because I didnt want to? The fact she doesnt even want to spend the time and energy, what would make her change her mind. I really think she is suffering from BPD. On top of that, I have suspicion she may have eyes on someone else now...

Yes, I do feel better. This morning I woke up feeling better than I have in a month or so. I have my 2 cats and I visited friends and family today. Tomorrow is back to the house to start packing. I think the sooner I get this stuff done the faster I can heal.

[Wholeagain]

She won't do it because she wants to work on your M. She would do it because she thought you were always there for her, but you are not anymore and she's pissed.

[Wholeagain]

Glad you are in a better place emotionally.

[brknheart]

Started packing/moving my stuff out of the house today. It was ok, hard at times, mainly when I packed something from early in our marriage. I feel as if my W has died. The sooner I get my stuff out of the house, the better I will feel. Even though she has flip/flopped and cold, she hasnt changed her mind about our agreement our property/finances since we first separated. Hopefully that doesnt change...

[ClingingToHope]

I'm torn. I wish I could go back to the day I did move and not do it. At the time, I thought it was the only hope, that the M was not getting any better.

At least it would have forced W to be the one that moved.

But that's water under the bridge. W has gotten more and more used to living on her own. She's been steadily pushing the D forward and last week told the girls we are getting one.

I really though when I did move out in May that she would miss me and this was just a step. Instead it looks like by the time I did leave she was determined to see this through.

The only chance for us is now well into the future. My divorce busting counselor, after hearing our story, said it's likely going to be two years before things to change.

We'll be divorced by then and who knows where I'll be at that point.

[brknheart]

@ClingingToHope,

Yea, same here. I dont think anything would have changed in my sitch if I chose to stay, the W would have gotten an apartment because she was sick of living with her friend. Things would have gotten worse because I "didnt care what she wanted". At least I can say I tried by doing it her way...

You can say you tried plus some, thats how I look at it. Your W wont realize what she had till its gone.

[LolaL]

I don't know if I agree with that. There were times, early on, where I wish I had stayed. But I think if I had, SG would have left. I would have been stuck in a house with a lot of memories, and I would have eventually left anyway.

For me, personally, I try to look at things now. SG and I are on speaking terms, and I think that is good. I don't know that we will ever try again, but I like how my life is now. I am in a good place.

Perhaps you should try looking at what you would have had to deal with. I have a friend who did stay, and it really did not help, except that he had do deal with it on a day to day basis. He had to watch is W decompensate to the point where I think in the long run, it may have hurt him more. But I cannot speak for him either.

Each situation comes with its own set of problems. By staying, you may have just prolonging the inevitable. Pride is a strong thing, and once these people make up their minds, it is hard to come back from that. Some do, don't get me wrong. But somehow, I think if they have the opportunity to see what they are missing, they may be more apt to give it a second thought, maybe a second chance, than if they are still confronted with the person they believe has caused them misery, whether it is warranted or not.

If that person is gone, they have to face the fact that the person who caused the misery is themselves.

[brknheart]

If that person is gone, they have to face the fact that the person who caused the misery is themselves.

Great comment.

I felt like my W tried to brainwash me into thinking I was a terrible husband, she even says I was not a good husband when we "tried" to work things out. One of her many justifications was "I was never happy in the 11 years we were married." She said this again the other day, I asked why did you drag me on this long, you should have either left me after the 1st year or demanded MC. She didnt have a response. Several people, including a sibling of hers, told me early on that my W has never been happy with herself. Your comment hits the nail on the head, she will have nobody to blame when Im gone for good, misery will still be there.

[ClingingToHope]

The last R talk we had in October, I got the "I never really loved you" speech. She said she had doubts six months into the M. Ta da, that's the end of the honeymoon period.

It hurt. But I don't believe it. We had D10 in our third year and that pregnancy was a great time. We had struggles in year seven, but year 10 was great.

Then a lot of things hit at once and the only thing she can change in her life is me. Unfortunately, I don't think anything is ever really going to change. Her depression issues already are coming back and I'm starting to get the blame because I'm not there to help.

If you choose the wrong person, you just can't win.