For as long as i can remember, i have had this problem. When i met my wife, i didn't think it was ever going to happen to me again. But it did. Instead of focusing on my relationship with her, I focused on hiding this from her and still getting my fix. I lied , i lied i lied. I was believable. But the strain of it became too much for me. I retreated within myself. Hid my true feelings and flew off the handle when confronted about my inability to share my true feelings. That is what led to the disconnect. Please understand that I love her very much. What i did, i did. that much is true. WHy i did it, i do not know. I could not stop myself. Call me disgusting, call me low, call me whatever you want, i deserve it. But i did try to stop only to be worse off that before. You may not like what i did. I sure as hell don't, but i am trying to rectify it. Help? How can I be helped? I do not know even where to start. I have gone to a meeting, only to be confused about what I really have. I have an appointment with a specialist next week, but even that does not sound hopeful to me. Bottom line is that i am broken. That much i know. I have been broken for a long time and for a long time i have struggled to admit it. I am sorry for those that are hurt by this admission. I was among you acting like a victim, when in reality i was the cause. Does this mean i did not love my wife? NO...and NO...and NO. I regret everything that happened. And i deserve fully the consequences i am receiving. Everyone says -take control-get help- etc, but i do not have control. I never had it. I am in disbelief bout this myself.
Call it a pity party, whatever, i am here and i am sharing and that is the only thing i know how to do.
I apologize if caused people harm. My intentions where in the right place. I did want to help people and I did appreciate the help i received.
I realize that most of you hate me because the very thing that i did was done to you. Believe me (or not) when I tell you how incredibly sorry I am for brining this crap in here. I ...I want to get better, but i don't think i will.
Faith aside, i will forever be labeled this way. You reap what you sow that is for damned sure.
