When so many people coming to this forum wish they could get their spouse to meet and work with a MC, your wife asked to do this and you said no. You two are sharing written notes and trying to understand each others thoughts, but finging them vague, so you ask folks here what they think it means.
You asked.
If you two sat down with a MC to share these thoughts you would both experience each others body language, tone of voice, and have a third party helping stear conversation in a constructive direction intended to make things more clear. Your wife asked to do this and you said no. I wonder what she decided that means regarding your plans for M, or her?
She uses words in her notes like "us" or "we". So many MLCers or WAW only say "I" and "me". She has not filed. Does that say Anything to Anyone? Has anyone here who went through the abyss wished they heard us and we instead of I, me, and the name of the L?
She is in the home, and NC may have its place there for now, but maybe I missed the part about her spending nights away with OP. Has anyone here who went through the abyss wished their spouse at least stayed home, even with NC? I'm not talking about living with a MLCer under one roof when it is clearly time for them to go. We know who those are. I'm having trouble seeing that is who she is right now.
I am right there with J3B and others in that this should be about you, fix you, unless you see nothing wrong. Then maybe look again. Sorry, but I don't recall the post where you explain who initiates NC, and why in your case. You? Her? Agreed?
NC is often helpful or even required, like going dark, when all they want to talk about is your miserable faults, their fun new party friends and dates, or D. It is a defensive aid for your own sanity in those cases for sure. Use it if you need it, as long as you feel it is saving your sanity. It is not a power play or threat though. Who is it for at this time and is it helping or hurting? Haven't read that part so I may not have caught up well.
I am right there with J3B and others in that you should consider what is fun to you and GAL. GAL is not about showing the MLCer you can live without them and scaring them straight. It is just about you and your needs to live as normally as you can. Did your fun used to include her, and could it now if she wanted to? Is there anything you and your W would have done for fun before this? Is there a reason you two can't do any of it now?
I see that like many MLCers, she ain't herself. You have experience with bipolar people in your life. Is W now, or has she always been one? Didn't see the posts about that. Most of MLC seems bipolar, but not diagnosed and treated by a pro as such. Not the chemical disorder they can put a finger on. MLCers just seem to mimic bipolar and insanity as they turn into new different creatures.
Many folks pushed a spouse to see a MC together thinking it would help, only to be set up in a trap. By that, I mean they show up only to hear the MC facilitate a session for the MLCer to announce this is the end, get used to it, get support for yourself. I did not get the sense or go far enough back in the threads to assume this is her plan. Did I miss that?
I guess I am back to the communication thing. She wrote that it is important to her. Uh, it is important in any R that is going to work. A lot of us weren't good at it. A lot of us would have given anything for another chance to improve, and were denied.
It appeared that she was trying to open communications with a MC session and you said no. She was trying to discuss things she has been contemplating during her time out. Many folks will never get the chance to understand what went wrong, how did the spouse change, or why? She didn't sound like she wanted to discuss things she has not mentioned in the past. What were you saying no to? A suspected trap? Changing some things for the M and both of you? Maybe I am being vague. Some of this does seem vague. I wonder who could help us communicate and make some of these things more clear?
Could one more shot at MC be the leap Drew mentioned? Or could it just be a necessary step along your journey? Would arrangements to begin open mutual communications about core issues, current challenges, and plans for the future be threatening to your current emotional well being? Because this is not about winning, but a lot about surviving. If it turns into what J3B calls Piercing, some pro help might help. That's help many others never got a shot at, and maybe something you aren't comfortable with right now, or just something I got no clue about?
Thanks for the response. We had been going to MC since the start of this. I have continued to go to this C for IC My W refused to work on our M, from the start, so yes you missed that part or maybe it was before I was on this board. I only refused because I did not see the point of continuing to have my Divorce validated in marriage counseling. The counselor agreed with this. We have tried to get her to admit that she is depressed but that has not worked. It all comes back to $$$ and my failure in this portion of our relationship. I will take ownership of that failure. But that is it. I can not take responsibility for her depression or her actions.
Yes I am at a loss of how to proceed, maybe piercing but both of us have to want it. I do, but she wants it only under the terms as stated in the letter(maybe, possiblly, who knows) she has changed her list as we have gone along and nothing I do seems to make a difference. I asked her one time if I hit the lottery if that would help. She said no it wouldn't matter.
I thought for a while that this wasn't a MLC but as we have gone through it, more and more it seems like that is the best explanation.
If I thought that go to MC would help I would jump at the chance. The C asked her to come back for IC and she refused because this C who she picked out is not on "her side". So now she is going to a C in Florida(by phone) and we live in NY.
Let me add that the NC was by me but also maybe a mutual thing. It stopped the D talk. When I have tried to have some conversation, small talk, the D talk returns. Also she was suspended from her $60,000 a year job last week and will probably be fired. She is suing her school(job) and wants to roll the law suit and her D into one job for her lawyer. So the contact by her is also a result of her falling towards the bottom and reaching out to see if I am still there. Some of the writing I believe is coming from her C in Florida not from her. I do not want a D, whether she is making money or not. I love her for her not for any other reason. I understand her desire for security and I believe that this is her childhood issues that are talking. Her parents were well off and never let her "live". She never grew from her teenage years. I rescued her at the age of 29 and I guess I have become her parent. I did not see all this until now. She is running/rebelling even though she is at home. I can only hope that she will grow up soon before it is too late and she has divorced me. I would stand by her forever and nothing that she has done so far could make me change my belief in her and us.
I believe that she is in the midst of this MLC, way inside the tunnel. I do not believe that she is peeking out or ready to be done. Maybe I am wrong but she has done nothing other than these letters to tell me that things are changing. "Actions not words". Are these letters actions? To me they are words. Just not spoken.
I have studied and I am still learning. I know nothing about piecing other than patience. It seems to me that if this is the start of that I should know it and that I can not be the one that is pursuing.
I told you the other day you were at a crossroads. You are my friend.
How you react to this could determine what comes next.
She told you something. To me as well, it did not sound like alien speak. I doubt that it is the whole enchilada, but more than likely the tip of the iceberg.
Please do NOT let your belief that this is MLC stop you from seeing that this might just be something that can be worked with.
You don’t have to bend over and let her take advantage of you. But is it possible that some sort of compromise could be reached? A beginning maybe.
Yes you do have some other stuff to work on, but you can do that and maybe do this in the same time.
Please use these next few days to really think about this as objectively as possible and not try to stick it into what you think it should look like, or what it reminds you of and just dismiss it.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I could ask my W to go with me. I am not against the MC. I am just not optomistic. I am afraid to push something that is not ready yet. Taking the cake out of the oven it might fall if it is not cooked yet. But I understand that nothing ventured nothing gained.
