Ugh, I hate to think of all the ways my efforts have gone wrong in the week I've been here. Would you like them alphabetically or chronologically? There are moments...ok whole days when I wish I had gotten a place in Nebraska near but not with my parents, taken the reporter's job, and never come here. Though I do love this place and my family.
And I hate laying bare all my failings on such a public forum; it sucks to admit them at all.
First of all, remember that boundary I was going to set about sex? Yep, right out the window only three days here. The silver lining is I never actually told him the boundary, so at least he doesn't know I was failing. And the thing is, we do connect in that time together. Surprisingly he is actually ML, but afterward I always wonder to whom. Is it me? or is he just imagining her? That thought had me leaving our room last night afterward so he wouldn't see/hear me crying and have the knowledge that it hurts me. not that he probably didn't know I was crying, but I didn't have to lay there and cry right next to him, knowing he wasn't going to comfort me.
And I hate that he's going to know when he gets home from work that I have been crying today too. My face gets all blotchy and stays that way for hours.
This morning my S4 was babbling away at breakfast (nothing new there ) and mention that daddy is friends with (OW name). I was furious. I, of course, have known her name for a month and a half, but how dare he?!! That means he took a phone call from her while with S4 and then told him who it was! And my son is not stupid. He will pick up on daddy being loving toward someone other than mommy.
While my H was watching the news this morning after that there was something about the capitol. And he said, "I've stood right there!" Well duh! I know he went there with OW. And I think it was low and disrespectful to remind me of that. But I didn't say that. I had an egg in my hand (I was preparing to cook my breakfast) and he looked at me like he thought I intended to chuck it as his head. The thought had crossed my mind but I would just end up cleaning up the mess anyway. He asked me what was wrong, and I stupidly told him.
I asked how exactly S4 knew OW's name. And I told him I had known it for some time and did he think I wouldn't figure it out with her posting to his FB every single day and saying things like "how am I supposed to make it through this time without you?" He said he wasn't trying to keep it from me (liar) and that if he really wanted to keep me from knowing anything he would just unfriend me. To which I responded that he underestimated me. And now he will probably change all his passwords at his first opportunity. I tipped my hand. But now I hope he's sweating, wondering exactly how much I know. Unluckily for him I don't just keep my evidence on my computer. I kind of doubt he would have been so nonchalant if he realized how much I have.
He may re-enlist soon, and he asked me if I would mind living in Maryland or New Jersey. I am sure it was to get a rise out of me, but I still reacted. I told him absolutely not! I won't go and live within driving distance of his b**** girlfriend! How dare he?!! Shouldn't have responded, d*** it all.
He plays with the kids so well, and I hardly play at all. It seems like I don't know how. And I know he's watching that. It drives him crazy that I can't loosen up. And I'm trying, but he doesn't seem to see it.
Those I guess are the big battles I've lost, but there have been dozens of minor skirmishes and I keep losing those too. He provokes and I respond. He disrespects me and I say nothing. He ignores his responsibilities and I do them instead. He leaves messes all over the house (how hard is it to put your mug in the sink and throw away your soda cans?!) and I clean it up because I can't stand the mess.
I miss physical contact, not sexual, just casual. And he knows. And he doesn't care.He comes home and goes to the garage or our room and leaves me to deal with the kids, despite having already had them all day. He complains to OW that he hates kitchen Nazis and yet refuses to cook.
I'm going crazy. I feel like I've not only lost all the ground I gained but have given up even more. I'm at step -4 or something.
And I've often thought up little speeches telling him to just get on with D proceedings because I don't want to live like this. I want to tell him to move out of this house until he decides to get rid of OW. But I don't say them. Because I know I won't back them up. If he calls my bluff I will look weak. And I would be bluffing.
And I have been wondering whether or not to put our family pictures up on the wall. He doesn't look happy in them, but they are still of us together. But I doubt reminding him would be productive. They make me remember happier times, but they also make me sad. He doesn't look happy in any picture, even when we were dating. He's always told me he just doesn't like pictures. But he looks so happy with her.
So that's my week in a nutshell. I was dealing with him much better from NE, but I like the environment for my kids and having my own house more. And trying not to let on to my family what is going on is getting harder as I become more miserable.
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
) and mention that daddy is friends with (OW name). I was furious. I, of course, have known her name for a month and a half, but how dare he?!! That means he took a phone call from her while with S4 and then told him who it was! And my son is not stupid. He will pick up on daddy being loving toward someone other than mommy. 
