Is it me? Or is it really everyone else? lol.

[K4D]

SM,

I started out doing a lot of those things if not all of them. I no longer do. I have learned many lessons from that. All it did was push her even further away and it caused her to trust me even less.

I won't go down those roads anymore. Perhaps one of the reasons things have been improving between us interaction wise if because I don't go down those roads anymore. I do get frusturated, but I keep it away from her. If I show her my frusturation, she just gets madder and runs to another guy.

Ok, by not doing any of those things, she is still making her own choices as far as whether or not she will be with someone else. But I am not pushing her in that direction by doing the stupid things anymore that really pushed her away. It is a choice that she is choosing to make if she does now.

She can come back to me. I won't pressure her on that, or she can choose not to. I won't pressure her either way. It hurts if she doesn't. But I won't show her that. I will treat her how I want to be treated and how I am expected to treat her.

My frusturations and hurt do not matter to her, so why show them? And she would just look at it as me trying to guilt her. I am not going to do that either. She is free to make her own decisions. I will not push for a D and I will not pressure her to come back. I will trust in God that His will, will be done and whatever His will is, is what it will be. I pray for restoration. But I don't impose it on her. I think a lot about it. But I don't talk to her about it. If she wants to come back, she will come back on her own terms and it will have nothing to do with what I want.

Of course I want her back. But it isn't up to me. I show her respect for her own decisions and I just swallow it if it isn't what I was hoping for.

I did say something about her introducing OM to our kids 2 days in a row as that was against what the C had said and I didn't consider it appropriate either. But I in no way at all made any comments about her R with him or questioned it. I left that completely alone. That is her choice if she chooses to have a R with him. I don't agree with it. But I am not her boss. I don't control her or her actions. It isn't my job to control her, guilt her, punish her, etc. I don't guilt her for what she chooses. I simply desire that she not be with someone else. But that is my own desire and beleif that I keep to myself when around her.

I may go home and shed tears sometimes. But I will not let her see how I feel emotionally about it.

It may come across as being walked on. I don't see her walking on me. I allow what I allow when it comes to my own self. If I don't feel like doing something with her, I won't. If I do, I will. When the kids are involved, I take them into account with everything. I may not want to be around W. But if there is an event and the kids want her there, I don't stop that. I put my feelings aside for them. Sometimes I let her have her way if I don't see any harm in it.

I have really been working hard at how I interact with her and what I say to her. She is responding better when we are around. Yes, she is still doing things to move closer to D. Not in my control.

I pray about it. Whatever happens, happens. I know God is there for me and he has always taken care of me.

Kevin