I managed to have a wonderful PMA - must hold on to it. Imagining my day as purely for me, I let go of trying to please H and worrying about how I'm going to support myself if I become a single mom - two things I spin with constantly. Must keep this new attitude - it's what everyone means when they say "live your life for you".
H came to the party with candy, drink, and an unexpected card which said: "At the center of your being you have the answer: you know who you are and you know what you want - Buddha" and inside: "WIshing you a year ahead of discovery, adventure, and following your dreams. Love, H"
Printed sentiment, nothing personally written, and nothing about us so the panicme thought this was a message to let me go....lol
But the positiveme, he signed it "Love, H". Babystep! And he encoured my happiness- that's loving.
S made me a card full of hearts and a paper bracelet with hearts and a jewel, and he wrote "Happy Birthday (insert real name here)" all spelled perfectly. I had tears in my eyes from all the love from both.
I was finally relaxed, for the first time since H left! H was also very kind. We laughed with our other friends, full belly laughs. It was terrific and I thought, "eveything is going to be ok"
And then...once home alone, I wanted to fall asleep early but H wanted me to take S to potty (we're training for S to get through the night w/o diapers) later. I felt he was ordering me too, I felt guilty that my imsomnia was gone for a rare night (due to feeling happy) and I felt H didn't care. I wanted him to be happy that I was feeling good enough to sleep for once and instead that he was expecting me to stay up. It was also H's grumpy tired tone that sounds demanding and rude.
It escalated a bit, and when we get there, H starts being hurtful "I don't care I don't care, I don't care, what you have to say is irrelevant" I know he is trying to be heard, but I wanted HIM to listen after so many months of me being the one to listen and validate. I suppose it's too early - something I can work with in MC.
It did end with H agreeing to "listen" although I think he just controlled is mouth for two mintues but didn't really hear me. lol. H doesn't usually give in, so it was a step.
Looking back, I see a million points I could have kept my mouth shut. I was feeling selfish - I wanted him to be nice to me my whole birthday, even when he is tired. My resentment at being the only one to try to control my mouth and listen all these months possessed me - not good.
I'm hoping we can repair in MC on Monday. It should be ok. This is the crux of our problems, the way we argue.
I also resent that like LR's H, I feel H is on his hight horse saying "things are better becauase HE moved out, because HE made me stop arguing", etc. But the MC will remind him that the other part of taking time outs is to revisit and listen!
I need to learn that when H is nasty it is his problem and not react with guilt, self blame, resentment. These negative emotions just escalate things. It's up to me to calm myself and make myself happy even if H is grumpynasty. It just brings up so many sore spots, it's hard for me to let go.
