Trying to move on

[ClingingToHope]

D train rumbles on. W emailed. She has picked a L and is meeting with him on Tuesday. She's going to ask about making the bi-weekly payments tax deductible -- so that's good.

I don't think he's one of the collaborative divorce attorneys, which means I'll have to fork over the $2,500 retainer. I was hoping to avoid it.

If things can be wrapped up quickly though maybe I'll get some of it back.

I told her at the bottom that she's doing a good job on the house stuff. I didn't compliment her enough in the soon-to-be-ending M.

[awest1217]

sorry to hear

[ClingingToHope]

Awest, I bounce back and forth from sadness and self-pity to defiance -- I'll be fine, she'll struggle, etc. -- to contemplation about how this will help me learn to let go and love unconditionally.

The pain is a little less each day and my desperation to find someone else isn't as strong either. So overall I'm good.

[ClingingToHope]

Really should be getting more sleep. Worked late then met a commercial Realtor for coffee -- well, hot chocolate. I've never drank coffee in my life.

She's a year older and really a nice person. She went through a divorce four years ago. So it's nice to talk to someone who's been through it.

No potential here. Just a reason not to go home to an empty apartment.

[ClingingToHope]

W called. D7 was sick today and she stayed home with her. When we were together she always leaned on me to stay home so she could keep up work. Then in the fall, when they both got the flu, we had a heated argument when she ordered me to stay home one day. I told her she couldn't order me to do anything anymore.

She didn't even text or call to see if I could stay home.

She's skipping D10's theater practice tonight to go into work.

It's interesting how, now that I'm not around, she is more available to miss work time. Not sure what it says.

[mishka422]

It says that she is getting her priorities a little straighter and realizing that she has to be self-reliant.

[ClingingToHope]

It may also say she was taking advantage of me before. I actually once got put on a personal improvement plan for six months for missing too much work.

[mishka422]

EEEKK!!!!

[ClingingToHope]

You know what has helped me recently? The zen thing I read about a couple of weeks ago. When my brain starts spinning forward I tell myself "For this life lord, I am grateful." I do that three times. Then I added a new second verse. "For my family lord, I am grateful." Three more times. The final two verses are "For this day lord, I am grateful" and "For this breath lord, I am grateful."

I usually don't get to the final one. Usually I'm better by then.

Girls are sleeping. Need to wake D10 up soon for theater rehearsal.

[ClingingToHope]

Have the girls tonight and we're doing ... nothing. D7 had a fever the last two days and I want her to get better so we can make it to church tomorrow and to a friend's house tomorrow afternoon to watch football.

My hope is they find enough to do to let me watch the games. My guess is D7 will get bored after a while.

It's worth a shot. I also have them for the Super Bowl.

But it's just a game. I'm trying to find motivation to start writing my book again.

Not a lot of thoughts about W today. When I do, I'm wondering how things will evolve now that we are going to get lawyers involved. We were working on a decent settlement but then issues with the house really complicate stuff and now I'm a little worried about finances again.

Short-term, I'll make $200 extra next week working five basketball games. I just have two more games in February and then it's back to working the weekend running races -- 1 in March, April and May.