My partner at 36 decided that--as she had never been alone since she was 18 (she was in a series of long-term relationships before us)--she needed to be alone for a while. She said she doesn't know who she is or even what she likes to do. We hadn't had enough separate interests. I think because we like to do so many of the same things, it's just natural we would do them together. Still, I understand the importance of having alone time in the relationship and we need to work on that. But now it feels too late. She has told her closest friends that this is a separation, a break, but that she doesn't know what the future holds for her or us. I'm devastated. Right up until the moment she left (she had told me she was going to take this time) it felt like we were getting closer. We are 100% attracted to each other, share goals and values, and love each other. She told me right up until we parted that she loves me. Our sex life has been fine--no problem there, she told me. She loves me but doesn't know if she's in love with me. I asked her if she's written us off, and she said no. But she doesn't know how long this alone time will be. It's killing me to not get so much as a phone call from her. She's aloof. We had a wonderful weekend and then the time alone started and it was like a switch went off on January 5th. I'm trying to respect her space but I'm beside myself with wondering what's going on, what's new with her, just talking to her about our days. I cry all the time. I'm trying to get out and do things to develop the independent interests we spoke about, but it all feels so empty without knowing I can share what I did with her at the end of the day. SHe said she wants to have no responsibilities and not answer to anyone. I never asked that of her, but obviously that was how she felt, so I must have given her that impression. It's not how I felt though. This has been such a good, positive and healthy relationship. It has room to improve, but for both of us it has been loving and supportive. So why has she bolted? She e-mailed me this the other night:
"I'm sorry this is making you sad. You have to understand that this is for the best, I know you know that. By me doing this now, I can never regret or have resentment later on...
Remember the time when I said to you, we should date [before committing]? My conscience was telling me something and once again I didn't listen to it; maybe we would be at a different place if we did. I need to start over, I need to be ready for a relationship which I am not. When will I be? I don't have the answer to that. I know you love me and you're ready, but we both have to be on that path.
I need to feel safe and secure and that was something I did not feel, and I know you're working on that and that is great... This is something attractive that an individual needs to offer to anyone, so don't think of it as something you are doing for me, it's for you, it's what you need in your life and what you will be able to offer the person you chose to be with.
What I'm trying to say is what I am doing and what you are doing now, is for the greater good. It's what will make us who we are or who we want to be. By striving to be better it will reflect and will make the other person want to be better too. Am I making any sense? It's hard sometimes to put it in words. Let me know what you think."
Does it sound like she's giving up on us or that she will consider a fresh start once we work on ourselves? I'm so at a loss. I hadn't had my work priorities in order--I took freelance jobs instead of secure full-time opportunities. I have changed that now. I had actually set the wheels in motion before she left...She truly is the love of my life, and I think it's sad she doesn't know what she likes to do. I understand needing alone time. I just don't know why I have to be completely cut out while she does it. How do I wait while she decides our fate? How do I get her to see that things would be different? I just want her home.
