When so many people coming to this forum wish they could get their spouse to meet and work with a MC, your wife asked to do this and you said no. You two are sharing written notes and trying to understand each others thoughts, but finging them vague, so you ask folks here what they think it means.
You asked.
If you two sat down with a MC to share these thoughts you would both experience each others body language, tone of voice, and have a third party helping stear conversation in a constructive direction intended to make things more clear. Your wife asked to do this and you said no. I wonder what she decided that means regarding your plans for M, or her?
She uses words in her notes like "us" or "we". So many MLCers or WAW only say "I" and "me". She has not filed. Does that say Anything to Anyone? Has anyone here who went through the abyss wished they heard us and we instead of I, me, and the name of the L?
She is in the home, and NC may have its place there for now, but maybe I missed the part about her spending nights away with OP. Has anyone here who went through the abyss wished their spouse at least stayed home, even with NC? I'm not talking about living with a MLCer under one roof when it is clearly time for them to go. We know who those are. I'm having trouble seeing that is who she is right now.
I am right there with J3B and others in that this should be about you, fix you, unless you see nothing wrong. Then maybe look again. Sorry, but I don't recall the post where you explain who initiates NC, and why in your case. You? Her? Agreed?
NC is often helpful or even required, like going dark, when all they want to talk about is your miserable faults, their fun new party friends and dates, or D. It is a defensive aid for your own sanity in those cases for sure. Use it if you need it, as long as you feel it is saving your sanity. It is not a power play or threat though. Who is it for at this time and is it helping or hurting? Haven't read that part so I may not have caught up well.
I am right there with J3B and others in that you should consider what is fun to you and GAL. GAL is not about showing the MLCer you can live without them and scaring them straight. It is just about you and your needs to live as normally as you can. Did your fun used to include her, and could it now if she wanted to? Is there anything you and your W would have done for fun before this? Is there a reason you two can't do any of it now?
I see that like many MLCers, she ain't herself. You have experience with bipolar people in your life. Is W now, or has she always been one? Didn't see the posts about that. Most of MLC seems bipolar, but not diagnosed and treated by a pro as such. Not the chemical disorder they can put a finger on. MLCers just seem to mimic bipolar and insanity as they turn into new different creatures.
Many folks pushed a spouse to see a MC together thinking it would help, only to be set up in a trap. By that, I mean they show up only to hear the MC facilitate a session for the MLCer to announce this is the end, get used to it, get support for yourself. I did not get the sense or go far enough back in the threads to assume this is her plan. Did I miss that?
I guess I am back to the communication thing. She wrote that it is important to her. Uh, it is important in any R that is going to work. A lot of us weren't good at it. A lot of us would have given anything for another chance to improve, and were denied.
It appeared that she was trying to open communications with a MC session and you said no. She was trying to discuss things she has been contemplating during her time out. Many folks will never get the chance to understand what went wrong, how did the spouse change, or why? She didn't sound like she wanted to discuss things she has not mentioned in the past. What were you saying no to? A suspected trap? Changing some things for the M and both of you? Maybe I am being vague. Some of this does seem vague. I wonder who could help us communicate and make some of these things more clear?
Could one more shot at MC be the leap Drew mentioned? Or could it just be a necessary step along your journey? Would arrangements to begin open mutual communications about core issues, current challenges, and plans for the future be threatening to your current emotional well being? Because this is not about winning, but a lot about surviving. If it turns into what J3B calls Piercing, some pro help might help. That's help many others never got a shot at, and maybe something you aren't comfortable with right now, or just something I got no clue about?
