Looking for Advice

[gutwrenching]

All - still trying to work an angle to get me off of the list for the job that makes me leave in 30 days. Talked to the wife about that and other stuff, she has called twice, I have called her once. Figuring out baby sitters and work related stuff. I filled her in on the latest. I get the impression that at least part of her, if not all of her, wants me to not fight this job which wasnt her initial reaction. She said to me that it just drives us to some decisions. I said I think its best to not be forced into a snap decision right now, lets take our time and see how things go, don't you. She said I don't know.

Hmmm....

[CityGirl]

You have said two things that really have stuck with me and I am not sure why exactly but they really stand out to me.

Y'day you said something along the lines of your W having a bright future w/her career but not as bright as yours but still pretty good. Above you said her self esteem is not where it should be but not "real bad".

I am not sure judgemental is the word I would use but you sound like you have a "bar" in mind for your W that only you know about.

[gutwrenching]

That would normally be a valid perception, but let me explain. Years ago when things were good, we made the decision to push my career over hers. She was just going to make it to retirement and get out. I offered the opposite, I was willing to leave the military then, she wanted nothing to do with that. In fact, she almost got out, was just a couple of singatures away from leaving the military.

Because of that, things have been set in motion. I have received the jobs that lead one to greater potential. She has a very respectable career, very above average, but is not on the track that I am on. That is reality. She knows it, I know it. I think these days it bothers her. It never used too.

Her self esteem was lower when we were first married. I have actually tried to help her with that. I have been very encouraging about how smart she is, how well she does at work, etc...thru all the years. Doing very well in her military career has really helped her self esteem and pulled it up, but I think there are still a few lingering issues there...that's why I say a little low, but not terrible.

Still think I have a bar that is causing issues, if so please explain, please help me work past that.

[CityGirl]

Background information is always helpful to better understand what you are posting. I guess to me, as an observer, you put an awful lot in the career part of life. I am not saying that is right or wrong.

Her lingering self esteem issues are hers to address.

[Lost Rabbit]

Sorry not been around today GW fighting my own demons has distracted me a tad today!

Only thing I say, is yes like you WE agreed to plan our careers with H working and me me SAHM and then working part time.. That was a joint decision at the time, now I have contributed my life to bringing up S not that I regret that one bit, but now H sees us as separate people Im going to lose out.. Its now become his job and money and my job and money.. he can earn up to £100k a year me just £20k in my mind Im worth the £50k shared but he doesnt see it that way.. What Im trying to say is what is agreed can come back to bite you in the butt and cause resentment if the agreement isnt stuck too.. Your W may be regretting agreeing I dunno?

[gutwrenching]

And the M and future talks continue. I was given a couple of hours to pull my name from job consideration and burn all the bridges that go along with that. If I knew I could get my W back, I'd do it in a heartbeat. If we end up in D, that would be a terrible decision. W is part of it too, because it is her career too...she is being set up well as part of the GW team.

So we just talked for an hour and I actually used some of the suggestions from Deep. I worked them in there.
- I told W I was tired of being a doormat and I was tired of zero effort from her. I was tired of her being in a fog and not even being "there" when she was around. I told her I had to have an effort. Her reply was at first, well you I stopped being hostile and we're friends again and civil, etc. I told her no that wasn't an effort, that was just being respectful and we both deserve respect. Then the next answer was more predicatble. I got the I don't feel anything, I don't know if I will. She also talked about the anger she feels when she sees me being a great dad when she her heart should be melting with joy and that is an issue with her. I told her she should see IC for that.

I did tell her I want W and M and family. I did tell her I was tired of being a doormat and would not be one any more. I told her she has been in a fog for months now and not giving us any effort at all and I thought the fog had to do with conflict and confusion over feelings for OM. That led to a dsicussion about how I think she is still contacting him and how. She swears she isn't, I pushed it as far as I could and now just have to let go. She says she was stupid, it was a mistake, she can't do that, the only way for her to deal with it is to let go. She won't let him contact her. That's what she said.

She said that she is too tired to try. She says a M or R has to be built on a foundation of love and trust and right now neither of us trust each other at all. I told her we could get the trust back and we have to see if we can get the L back or not.

I did give her a version, maybe not strong, but a version of the "I get it" spiel. I told her I was starting to undestand the no feelings becaues I was losing feelings for her every day because of the secrecy, the betrayal, the lies, and the way I'm being treated as a doormat with no effort on her part. And I think I did use the word it was unnatractive. So I get it, and its no place to be, but that doesn't mean I'm just going to quit. She didn't like that word at all...again she said it wasn't about quitting, it was about she tried for years and now doesn't feel anything and has no energy left.

From there I think I transitioned to that's why maybe I should burn bridges and turn down this job because we have accelerated our timelines and don't know if we can ever get there. We're not ready for this accelerated timeline and I think I know what your answer will be if you had to decide now.

I also asked her if I got this job would she then try to get a job somewhere else. She swore she would never do that. If we D, she wants it like her parents completely friendly and ammicable. That would be mean and deceitful. She says what if we just D and have joint custody and go back to being friends with no pressure of anything else. I don't remember exactly how I responded to that, but I think I used the kids and what is best for them and despite losing feelings for her with every passing day, that I am willing to try for the kids, for me, for her, and for us. in hindsight, I probably should have said I will not just agree to D, that is not how I view things. I should have gotten to the point where it had to be her decision and she should have to deal with the consequences

I wasn't mean, I didn't yell, but I tried to be very forcefull and confident, I know I was calm.

She had to run, we have to finish the conversation and reach a decision. I think I'm going to keep my name in the hat for the job and that is scaring the crap out of me right now. I will still hope deep down that I don't get it. But I think she needs to be part of this decision, it impacts both of us and our kids and I did tell her that a couple of times. And thus I wait for the call back

And moving forward, I think now I need to back off. I need to give her time to digest, I need to continue to detach, I have made progress in last couple of days but I am not there yet. I think we should try to have a peaceful Friday night, maybe just watch some TV together.

Thoughts/comments/reactions/2x4s?

[gutwrenching]

Your W may be regretting agreeing I dunno?

I honestly think that is the case and thus partially why I am being supportive now and including her very much in this large decision about the next job, because it will impact her too.

[Dane]

If she has let the OM go, then she is grieving the loss. It sounds like he is still there, due to the actions of no energy left, tried for years, sounds just like my STBXW. If she is exhibiting that she is using all her energy on the OM relationship, so she has nothing left for anything else.
Detach is the best advice, of course it easier said than done. Be strong man.

[gutwrenching]

Dane - interesting perspective. Guess hard for me to understand why long distance EA takes that much energy...guess it is consuming her thoughts/emotions/mental state and that is draining her?

Got to say - that isn't what I wanted to hear. Makes me dread the thought of possibly leaving in a month even more. But if she is going to contact him, then she is. I can't stop it, I have to stop worrying about it. It is what it is.

[sandi2]

I think I'm going to keep my name in the hat for the job and that is scaring the crap out of me right now. I will still hope deep down that I don't get it. But I think she needs to be part of this decision, it impacts both of us and our kids and I did tell her that a couple of times. And thus I wait for the call back

I guess I don't get it.