Just want my H back

[trytryagain]

flowmom, thanks for the reassuring words. my H has said he wanted to split now before we started a family because he never wanted to put kids through the custody battle he went through growing up. i don't know what makes him feel this wouldn't end up being the case if he married someone else later on - there are NO guarantees in life, after all. i do know that going through this with children would be infinitely more difficult, but the thought of not being with the man i had envisioned one day having children with tears me apart inside.

[avermont]

Good to see you, LFA. I have been checking to see if you posted.

How is your sitch going?

I'm posting under infidelity/"next steps."

Financial next steps are coming up--taxes!

How are you handling that? together? separately?

I am hoping to be able to gather up all the necessary info without a face to face meeting. I have to run a quicken report for all the deductible rental expenses, and he always did that before.

I hope you are doing OK--up down and feeling guilty and everything, too.

[LookingFrAnswers]

Hi Avermont!
I am behind & will catch up with you! I'll look for you in the Infidelity thread. Thanks for posting on my thread! I've read but not written much lately & am really feeling I need to be on here more often. I probably should move off the Newcomer's thread, thing is I don't know which category I'm in. Something to explore for the new year!

Yes, financials are a priority now. Ugghhh. Don't want to hijack H's thread so I'll post on mine & visit yours. Good to hear from you & hope things are going well. Talk to you soon!

[flowmom]

the thought of not being with the man i had envisioned one day having children with tears me apart inside.

I totally get that. It's such a hard dream to let go of. But believe me that you want to be with Mr. Right (if there is such a thing) when you have children. The research is very clear that children bring a lot of joy *and* they really, really stress marriages. Your H is doing you a favour if he knows that he can't be a committed husband and father. I know that's easy for me to write. Goodness knows that I am really having trouble accepting the reality of my own sitch and seeing the positive in it.

[patpat]

I need to let him go. I need to let him go. The hardest part is thinking that it was my fault, which also presents me from feeling like I will find love again.

It is not all your fault. Fault is shared... but to love again, I think "yes"...

We (you) are just a leaf... this is our season... all that is old will become new...

The leaf (((hhh)))

The leaf clings to the branch, fighting the wind that threatens to tear it away, to leave it drifing aimlessly, at the mercy of a swirling current.

Without hope.

The end is slow and all consuming, like a burning fire.

The leaves riding upon the wind, to fall upon the ground and be trampled under, to rot and feed the earth.... to return to dust...

TO BE REBORN ... !

I am a leaf, as are you (many others here also). There is life, there is love after....

You will love again... I promise.

I love you... I do not even know you... but I love you...

We share something.... a knowledge of pain, of love lost, of fear, of heart.... and we will be fine... we are better, we will heal, we will laugh and cry, but this I know... we will love and look back someday, and be all the better for it, with no regrets... we will be reborn and grow beautiful again...

As I know you are today....beautiful! Know this about yourself!

[25yearsmlc]

You asked me to post to you but honestly I have to read your sitch and past posts so it'll take some TIME...but I'll do it this week. At least I can see you are getting advice and feedback here!

Take care of yourself, and regardless of what happens, it's iimportant and empowering to know you'll be alright no matter what. Can you envision life without him AND yet being happy? Then ponder that in detail....the more you visualize it, the safer you'll feel and less fearful and less desparate. I am not saying give up (must read your thread first anyhow) but am saying that reminding yourself of just how happy you HAVE been in the past can help. And how to do it again.

I think at some point, perhaps after he dates enough he'll be very curious about you. (I know that hurts but oh well. I have two family members who divorced their spouses, only to remarry 5 years later) He already said you'll be better for your next R, which is actually a great insight on his part. Why? B/c at some point, he'll know he could have had a great woman with all the qualities he values, and he won't likely find that elsewhere. (If he does, then so be it. But it's not likely).

But he dumped her/you and would not forgive her or give her a 2nd chance. So your job is to make sure you keep the road home paved and smooth, without making it seem as if you are waiting and waiting. You have to act as if you are moving on even if you are not. Yet you have to show you are open and upbeat and fun to be with, NO BAGGAGE from the past and that must be let go. No way can ANY m work if the past keeps popping up b/c you will NEVER EVER agree on what happened. What matters is going forward. Having the same vision for the future, not the past.

So, you'll have CHANGED so that, when he has a chance to listen to his inner voice, he'll hear himself say "why stay away now? She's who you wanted all this time!..." but he needs to discover this. You cannot do it for him, or tell him. Your "voice" will drown out his.

One line that's important to stick to is "If I could do things over again, I'd do some things very differently. But I've changed those things now and I'm glad."....Then be "resigned" to accepting his choices, accepting them with some regret BUT being upbeat about your future with or without him. You want him to wonder what's so great about not being with him. You must remind him, with action NOT pursuit, attitudes & behaviors, that you are a great catch. How? By becoming a woman only a fool would leave.

More later...good luck,
J-

[LookingFrAnswers]

Hi H, Just checking in to see how you are. I seem to be feeling the sad too this weekend. I hope you are out GALing, having a good weekend!

25, thank you for your post. Even though not directed at me, it was just what I needed to hear right now. For me, I won't speak for anyone else, it's that feeling that I'm at the end. How do I go forward? Your post speaks to me on this.

I guess we can see that a D is not always the end, as with your friends who remarried after D. Tomorrow never knows. We (LBS) just have to keep pushing forward, working on ourselves. Coach had a great quote, "happiness is an inside job". I am trying to burn it into my brain.

H, wishing you peace as you go through this time, & sending (((hugs))) your way.

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks LFA,

but to H, let me say this too. Assume for the sake of argument that this was ALL your fault...It was NOT but let's assume it was for a minute. To me, that's NOT bad news; it's kind of good. Sure you'll have regrets galore. but you can CHANGE you...the worst news in the world is hearing you were GREAT, but not good enough for him to stay b/c then, how can you ever trust that a man will stay with you if your best, isn't good enough?

Since all you can control is you, then DO IT. Make the changes you want to make so you are a great partner, "from this day forward..."and if another man is who benefits instead of your h, then it's your H's loss. (And your new mans' gain.)

Learn what you can from this and for most of us, being here at all means that down the road, we are better partners and our M's are better for it. WHether with our first spouses, or the next....but taking it as all you fault ins't realistic.
If you "blew it", then learn from it, improve, and forgive yourself.

Seriously, forgive yourself. You'll see things more clearly in time and for one, I can tell from your posts he was not blameless and I doubt he has learned much since he's blaming you, he does not have to look inward. That means that even if YOU change for the better, all won't be fine. HE"s got to change too but does not see this and you are not in a position to tell him either (at this point it's the last thing he can hear from you).

LEt him realize that your changes are REAL...which means if he's open to it:
Change + Time = Seeing you differently.

If he's not, so be it. The next one will be....

Your path is clear in one respect, since moving on does NOT mean giving up. IT means making progress and realizing your former approach has NOT worked....

So move on. GAL, be a bit mysterious but always upbeat. Did you ever read my post about going to Italy with my kids? (Probably not, it has been awhile)

But I did not want another anniversary "alone" with h sending flowers but living on the tundra in his one man MLC and knowing I was there waiting in case he got some time off...blah blah blah...so I went where I had always wanted to go for an anniversary and I took my kids since h was living up NORTH....and I did not invite H. I assumed since he lived 3000 miles away he would not be interested and frankly, I didn't feel like having him around in a fake "we're married but living apart..." thing. Too hard and crazy for me and I wanted the trip to be an escape. Boy did that bug H. He didn't deny us the right to go or anything and he knew he was in no position to whine, though he tried to....so off we went. BEST money I ever spent/borrowed and spent, etc.
NO reminders of H there at all for 2 weeks, and proving to kids and myself we could have a blast AND showing ourselves that. ANd showing h that we were happy, even without him around. Probably in part BECAUSE he was not around there was NO tension.

Later, much later, he told me how much it bothered him that he was "left out" but knew he had let himself out and too bad we were not there waiting....soemtimes it was hard for him to reach us there in Europe too, but TOO BAD, not intentional on my part but great for him to feel. Know what I mean?

It started something...he began calling much more often b/c somehow I gave him the impression we were having a blast without him..and he missed us! He wanted to have the fun times too....wth? Took him awhile but he sure showed marked interest after the trip, though more of it showed to ME, later. And again, he noticed things when he saw me applying for jobs OVERSEAS b/c...b/c for once, I COULD....I I didn't have to consider his career first or at all and I began to see the upside to div....NOT happy about it but figuring may as well make the best of it...

THat attitude shift IN ME, made one in him...make sense? I almost did not say yes to a recon and though we are in a good place now, I KNOW if he left again, I'd be fine. (And I'd realize it a hell of a lot sooner too)

I GAL, and you must do so. And you don't have to go to Europe to GAL.....small weekend trips...day trips even...a class here and there...the 180's ARE Noticed and who cares if they are not? They are for YOU....


Must get back to my dog--she's whelping and this ain't easy! (for her OR me...)

I'll finish the thread a bit later guys....good luck!

j-

[hhh]

Hi all,
Thank you so much for your kind and helpful posts. Patpat, your note above really touched me, thank you so much. LFA - I know you can relate. And 25, such good perspective and such words of wisdom and I look forward to your continued feedback.

I was in a self-blame cycle for a few days as I was missing my H so very much. I of course know that's not true and in some ways maybe we did not bring out the best in each other. I also quit my job shortly before he moved out to be home more with him while he was in school (I was traveling a lot), while I was supporting him..I was trying to address issues and 'help' us even then, and he got caught up in his school, partying, etc. He also had a bad temper at times and didn't address a lot of little things (his family used to say racist comments and it bothered me, and he said I didn't accept them instead of addressing it). Anyway, lots of little things on both sides...you get the point..he said I was controlling yet he rarely stood up to the plate, always deferred to me. We both fell into roles that we didn't like. So he gets fed up and leaves, back in Nov '08. So we've been separated over a year and I really don't think there is any hope left, even though I wish there was. We've had very minimal contact.

All the advice about GAL is great, last fall (you can see from posts back) I felt like I was in a much better place and even seeing the upside of D...got involved in new activities and relied on myself for my own happiness. But there was something in back of my head that held out hope. Getting papers right before Xmas quashed that hope.

So now I'm in a place where I am moving back to CA mid-March...so it would be hard if nearly impossible to work on anything from there, as he'll still be back east.

Also, I toy with the lawyer issues. I've spend $$ on his tuition and supported us fully while he was in school (and covered a lot of expenses and trips before then). When he went to business school he said in the beginning, "i am doing this for us, so you don't have to work so hard." Yes, i'm bitter...a good part of me wants to fight to get some $$ back, I want to cut back at work and he's now making gobs of $$ out of business school. I read Coach's post yesterday about Boundaries, and during most of our separation I've felt like I've been a bit of a doormat (letting him borrow my car, helping him out as needed, being a friend to him while he was really pretty crappy). So part of me thinks I should stand up to him, ask for $$ back, or go down the Lawyer route if needed. But I do fear there is risk involved as I have more savings then he does and could he come after what I have saved in our M? (I wouldn't think so given his earning potential and current salary, but you never know).

Then on the other hand I want things to be amicable with him, not fight, and see if it's possible to rekindle a friendship. Yes, 25, I had addressed a lot of issues he had with me, but for myself too...I've become more open/less controlling, and I've gotten help for my anxiety (that was a problem a bit in our marriage for a variety of factors). He says I can apply them to my next R, but wish it could be w him.

We are supposed to have dinner later this week or next. I'm sure he'll ask about my signing D papers then...then I don't know if I should in the moment ask him about tuition $$..I fear it could get nasty but I don't want to not act out of fear. (I'v also made more $$ than him throughout our M, which he apparently had a problem with, so don't know what court would give me $$ if I have good savings...but it's the principle more). We also have to deal w our taxes at some point (i realized yesterday he took all tax returns except '08 w him, which made me a little nervous).

Lastly, I wrote him a letter over the weekend...sometimes I just write my thoughts on papers...it was about how I was often self-critical and projected that unrightly on to him. Not an excuse but wanted to give him some context for my behaviors, and that they were not coming out of lack of commitment or love for him, or thinking any less of him. It's an apologetic letter and telling him how much I've always loved him. OR I have the Dobson letter I wrote too...so many different thoughts/emotions/approaches hard to know how to proceed. At this point I feel 'what's to lose?' if it's going to make me feel better sharing these thoughts w him, but doubt it'll do any good.

25, for the last 6 months of last yr I made a concerted effort to GAL, etc (and was happier, even dated a bit) but it really didn't make any different to h (yes I know this if for me, not him). I don't want to hold on to false hope and I want to be able to find love again, but sometimes, yes, I do miss him terribly and feel so sad that are issues are so solveable. But we've been together since 21 and I think he's enjoying time on him own, may even have a series GF, not sure. (Should I ask?) I don't think he's jealous or curious about me b/c last time we got together he kept prodding and asking if I was dating, and said 'when you go back to CA I'm sure you'll have plenty of options...' like he is really wanting me to move on.

I had a good talk over the weekend w a GF who has know H and I since college...she is also a counsellor. And she said some very good objective things to me, reminding me of H's flaws in his own family issues. She mentioned that he's clearly struggling w some of his own identity issues (not feeling 'macho' or 'man' enough in the ) and the fact that he never communication a lot of his grievances w me...reminding me of all that I have sacrified for him (I've moved for him throughout our M, supported us, etc...he came to resent it and i think i did too).

But it's hard to see him know doing so great, out of business school, successful and put-together (he even got a small modeling contract last yr!) and like i gave up a great guy (since he said I pushed him away) and will never find someone like this again. I know, I know if he was that great would he have treated me like cr-- across this past yr and jusy walked out? I feel in some ways I helped him get where he is now (remember helping him write his applications for school), and now he wants nothing to do w me... that's why part of me wants to get a L and find for some financial contribution back b/c it's one small way for me to take back control of the situation, and my self-respect/dignity, and frankly, i feel a little used.

So lots of thoughts...but with a move coming up and trying to figure out how to approach this end (even though I don't want it), I am feeling a bit overwhelmed. A legal course of action could be very draining...I could just sign simple papers and we walk away w what is each ours and move on...but I feel like I get the raw end of the deal here. And I am trying to build back my self-esteem, and I miss him terribly...

Ahh..sorry I'm kind of all over the place this morning. Thank you tremendously for your advice...keep it coming!!
Love you all,
hhh

[hhh]

another though (in addition to above), without kids it is hard to have anything pulling you together, staying in contact