Thanks so much to all you weighed in and offered words of support. I think my mind has just been swimming again...cause and effect this and that etc. Lessons I have learned, and some that were a product of circumstances in my life over which I had no control. Sometimes I think he blamed me for things not my fault, others I take ownership of that I should not have done.
I did email him yesterday about grabbing dinner one night, as we've got to talk in some fashion as we move on, even if for pure logistics/paperwork sake. It was civil and he said next week for dinner one night downtown would work.
So we'll have some interaction (hopefully) in the next week. I need to get myself into a better place to face this. I've been writing things down as I think of them, about what I have learned, and a big piece of it was being on my own to see things that we in me, rather than a product of our relationship, that I needed to work on. He always got that my parents were hard on me, that i was self-critical, and i owned up to projecting some of that unrightful on to him. It may not make a difference but part of me wants to share this w him before seeing him. The other part wants to just have a friendly exchange w no R talk.
I don't want this to end fighting, so it would be nice to be amicable regardless of outcomem, for healing. I've had hardly any interaction with him, so it's been hard to show him any changes.
Peace to all. I really need to work on building my self back up and getting out of the self-blame cycle. I appreciate that others are in the same place. I think of things i did and why i was not happy in M often and I think it was a lot of product of not feeing ready. I remember the weekend he proposed telling him i had doubts, loved him, but not totally ready, and he threatened to leave me in the hotel room and find my own way back home...that always stuck in my mind and I think fueled my anger and acting out at him. I was never able to let that go, somehow, and not strong enough at the time to take that break I needed. It's hard to think that that set the stage for M troubles, but I know there were other factors there... we both played a part, i just need to keep reminding myself of stuff he did. And i was struggling w bad anxiety too, which i think of as almott like an illness, and made me act in ways that i couldn't help at the time. Not an excuse, but context that I wish he could understand.
