(((((H)))) I'm sorry I haven't been around much since the new year, not because things are so good, I've just let work spiral out of control. Anyway I've caught up & just want to send you a "hug".
I have been going up & down too. I do feel you are beating yourself up way too much, but I have too & I think we LBSs do it a lot. Our self esteem & egos have taken a real beating. My confidence is shot. One of my goals is to work on this.
Pearl's suggestion is really good. Right now you are feeling down & guilty. I wrestle with this too & get memories of things I did or said wrong. I'll tell you something - I did not marry young - I was 36 when we got married! I had been on my own obviously. And we still had major communication issues. We can't change the past, but marriage is a 50/50 deal. 1 person cannot be totally responsible for its success or failure. Both have to work at it.
I wish I could take your guilt away. I wish I could help you feel better. None of us can really see the past obectively.
H, what could you do that would make you feel like you had done everything you could? Do that. Go ahead & write the letter. Wait a few days then look at & see if you still feel the same way. Post it here for feedback before you send.
But also in your mind, think about the outcome. What if he ignores it, or just says the same thing? Will you feel worse? You can't control what he thinks, says or does. It seems like you feel as though by doing the "right" thing you can change the outcome. I have felt this way too, still do sometimes. But try really hard to always remember, you cannot control anything he does. You can only control you.
I read this on another post, sorry I can't remember whose, "You cannot fix him, you did not break him". H, it seems like you feel responsible for "breaking" him. You didn't!! Whatever you did or didn't do in your R with him, does not justify his behavior or treatment of you. His decision, behavior all that, you have no way of knowing what him motivation is. He may guilt trip you into thinking it was all you, but don't let him! Was he perfect during your M? No one is! Keep talking to your IC about these issues of your past, if she's any good she should be able to help you get a perspective on this.
I'll check in again. Thanks for checking in on my thread. Promise I'll reply soon! Please take care of yourself. I am thinking of you. (((((H)))))) LFA
