Can I save my marriage?

[TrentC]

I understand what you are feeling.

As bad as it is to think of your marriage ending, being the one to pull the trigger (especially when it's something you don't want to do!) has got to be ten times worse.

But just think about your situation; he has been taking advantage of your fear and uncertainty to live life totally on his terms.

That's not what a marriage is about.

You deserve to be with someone who will love you and want to spend time with you and your kids.

If it helps, you can consider the possibility that you taking charge of the situation may make him come to his senses. But I wouldn't put too much stock in that.

[Gnosis]

Britt, if I lived nearby, I would consider it an honor and an absolute PLEASURE.

As for the courage... you don't need it. What you need to tap into now is the ANGER. You need to strip off the "nice girl" panties and become the b1tch from hell. At that specific moment, forget ALL about DB, validation etc. Let him have it. SPEW on him. Swear at him. COMPLETELY LOSE IT!

It will be the best thing you have ever done.

Oh, and don't think of the consequences... because they will be better than you ever imagined.

[Gnosis]

Oh, and Britt... it won't be the end of your marriage.

The truth is: Your marriage - in your H's mind - has been over from before you joined the board.

I don't agree with Trent that you should file for D just yet. That may be what your H actually wants.

Kick him out... he's already heading for the door again. Look at it this way... if that doesn't wake him up you can at least rest peacefully with the knowledge that you stood up to him at least once in your life.

Personally, I don't think it will end if you do it.

[mindfull]

Sending Britt a HUG and some COURAGE!!

[CityGirl]

I just wrote this to Flowmom on her thread.


Here is what you do... forget for THREE minutes that you are a mother and a wife. Look in the mirror and say out loud.. I am a WOMAN. W-O-M-A-N. Got it, self? WOMAN. I am not just a person that raises children and tends house and is a wife. I am a WOMAN. Say it. Believe it. Step off the high horse and find out what kind of woman you are. The strut away like you are a Victoria's Secret model and remember that 'tude because you are going to need it.

[mindfull]

CG - I like that.

Britt, maybe you'll strut better if you picture yourself in those wings, too!!!

[Steve McQueen]

Instead of concerning yourself with kicking him out, tapping into anger, trying out new attitudes or even what boundaries are needed. This might be a necessary time to reflect on what went wrong.

Your husband came home and gave you a second chance, but now appears to be unsatisfied. How come?

What did you do to make your husband happy? More importantly, what did you fail to do?

If I remember correctly, prior to christmas you were trying to develop some mysteriousness and the illusion you were moving on.
He saw a challenge and became interested. When he moved back what happened to the challenge?

Did you turn back into mommy, and home maker, and same old vanilla sex wife? I fail to see any discussion about how you were continuing to go out and continuing to create the mystery that you may be moving on or even that there was a happiness in your life that did not require your husband. I read alot of, "I'm so glad he's back" and the minnions shouting "good keep it up." Keep what up? Did you immediately fall back into old routines thinking that is what would keep him happy? When in fact that is what he was running away from.

How was the sex? You dont have to answer here just realize for yourself. Was it passionate and loving? Holding onto him so grateful that it was happening again then falling asleep in his arms? Or was it everything another woman might do to steal him away then a little bit extra nasty? I dont care to hear, just wondering if you were continuing to create the illusion in his mind that maybe you were no longer the same ol' britt and he needed to try harder to win YOU over?

Your husband is very involved in althetics. Do you follow his passion? Over the holidays while he was home did you up the activities: cardio, weightlifting, sports, so that he was thinking, that girl's really cookin'? Or were you cooking and eating and surfing the 'net? What do the two of you have going on other than the children? What do you have going on that he might be thinking I want in on some of that?

Realize, there is a big difference between what someone desperate to get there spouse back will do and tell you to do and how someone who is successful is acting. Were/are you playing the desperate role or successful role?





So, If your husband were to divorce you and now being single you had "needs" to be taken care of. How would you go about winning a man to take care of those "needs" (be whatever they are in your case)? You would have to be successful. You would do what it takes to be successful, right? How would that behavior different from that which you have been exihibiting lately with your husband?

Despite what people might argue about, it is all a game. A love game. And what works to attract a mate still works to retain them. Not everyone is complacent with history and familiarity. 50% of america is repelled by it.

Infatuation is driven by fantasy. A fantastic belief of what is unknown is better. That is why people become addicted to drugs, alcohol, affairs. Once something becomes "known", familiar the fantasy is over, and it no longer consumes ones thoughts. How much is unknown about you? How much does your husband fantasize about you? If he was do you realize you wouldnt be here looking for support?

[CityGirl]

To me, part of finding the attitude is to rediscover ones self as a woman. Not as a wife, mother, sister, daughter, employee, business owner, student or <insert other role here>. That is for the individual, not for anybody else.

It could be something very small that nobody but the person doing it sees or even knows about but *something* that makes you feel good as a woman and a woman only.

It's very easy to get lost in all the other roles and neglect what you are made of as a woman. When somebody can rediscover that on their own it is a very good feeling. It's not a trick or tactic. It's something that can really help balance out all the other parts of life.

At some point in our lives we all get lost and seem to forget what we are at the very core. Woman or man, sometimes you have to rediscover those roots to get back to the place of being, well, what we where before all the "life stuff" took over.

[Lll54]

I think my big problem right now is being alone. I know I've have been there before. But thinking of my life alone is so scary. My stomach hurts when I think of coming home to an empty house. As unhappy as I am right now with my MIA husband. And the 'roomate' that I have, I still have that person to talk to everynight, and that person to sleep with everynight. Scared out of my mind to be alone. Especiallly with two young children. When we originally separated it was sooo hard. I am not the type of person to enjoy being alone. Some people like it, I am the opposite. I need to be around people all the time. I get very lonely, very quickly. It is just as scary that summer is coming, and there is so many fun summer things to do. BBQ's, the beach, camping, etc.I can't imagine not having my H to do those fun family things with anymore.

But then again, he went away this weekend to play hockey. Text me when he got there. Called me the following morning for ten minutes. Text me the following morning. And then text me on the way home. Got home late, climbed into bed. I was sleeping but no kiss hello, no cuddle, nothing. Sorry but when a H and W have been apart for three days, would it not be normal to climb into bed and wrap your arms around your W? We woke up this morning and no hug, no kiss, nothing. I don't think he loves me.

The question is...do I want to live witha man that doesn't love me forever, or be lonely and single. Which is worse?

[TrentC]

I think my big problem right now is being alone. I know I've have been there before. But thinking of my life alone is so scary. My stomach hurts when I think of coming home to an empty house. As unhappy as I am right now with my MIA husband. And the 'roomate' that I have, I still have that person to talk to everynight, and that person to sleep with everynight.

I know what it's like to be scared of losing your marriage. But do you want to be married to someone who has decided not to love you?

Scared out of my mind to be alone. Especiallly with two young children. When we originally separated it was sooo hard.

I can't even imagine. But what do you think your kids will learn about marriage, with a mother and father who aren't in love with each other?

I am not the type of person to enjoy being alone. Some people like it, I am the opposite. I need to be around people all the time. I get very lonely, very quickly.

Why is that, I wonder? This would be a fantastic question for your IC...

I can't imagine not having my H to do those fun family things with anymore.

But is it really "fun family stuff" if you're not a family?

Don't get me wrong, people stay together "for the kids" all of the time. But you deserve better, and your kids deserve better. They deserve to see their mother happy, with someone who will love all of them, all of the time.

My friend is married to a woman with a child from another marriage, and they have one of their own as well. And let me tell you, you can't tell that my friend and his stepson aren't related. Hell, I had to stop and remind myself that the proper term is "stepson"!

The fact is, people who get divorced can find happiness in other relationships. But you are aware of a whole boatload of your own issues, and those are things that you should be working on now. If not to restore your relationship with your H, then to make the next relationship even better.

Sorry but when a H and W have been apart for three days, would it not be normal to climb into bed and wrap your arms around your W?

But your relationship is not normal; you are not a happy family right now. You need to stop judging things by arbitrary standards.

We woke up this morning and no hug, no kiss, nothing. I don't think he loves me.

You're busy convincing yourself that your husband is not and can never be in love with you again, and that you will never be able to find anyone else to be happy with, so you're willing to condemn yourself to a joyless marriage?

What good is this line of thinking doing for you? I hate it when I find myself getting worked up about the pace of things in my relationship. Why would you do this to yourself intentionally?

The question is...do I want to live witha man that doesn't love me forever, or be lonely and single. Which is worse?

Well, if he's truly not in love with you anymore, then it seems like you're just setting yourself up for disappointment down the road. Because at some point he will find someone to be in love with, and then he will leave you for good. And then where will you be?

As for being alone and lonely, there are people out there who would be willing to marry a single mom. They may even have kids of their own. But if you can't figure out how to address the issues that you yourself recognize, how will you ever be happy anywhere? With your husband, by yourself, or by someone else?

You can't depend on someone else to make you happy. It's not fair to ask anyone else to be your constant companion; you've even said that it's something that your husband doesn't like about you. So why not take a big step for yourself (and hopefully a big one for your R) and figure out how to change that?