Praying for Light at the end of the Tunnel

[kjensen]

Saw H this morning at a school honors breakfast. Went OK until he mentionned all the gorceries he'd bought last night and I nicely asked if it was out our joint account(which just my paycheck goes into)..he said yes..is that a problem? I said no, but I don't understand the logic...He said well, its what we've done the last 10 years..

He is rewriting a lot more history. His lawyer is stating H should receive maintenance(alimony) b/c he was a stay-at-home dad for the last 10 years while I developed my career! My career is a pharmacist-there is no developing..its hourly pay..H didn't stay at home until 6 years ago and he worked out of the house in his own office. He worked when the kids were at school 8am to 3pm and while they were home, and on the weekends...I still cleaned/cooked/laundry..the usual second shift stuff.

So this rewriting of history really bothers me. it feels like a big lie in order to get money out of me which H said he doesn't want because he needs to learn to stand on his own. Now he's saying things like half of everything is his..(much of everything we have came because of my earnings).

I said my life has been turned upside down and he said well his has too. because he moved into a condo with me this summer that he LOVED and later found out I didn't like as much as him but moved there for him, so he thinks its really ironic that I want to stay there. I said well I wasn't going to move when I didn't want to end the marriage. I didn't bring up the other truth: that he stated time and again after we moved to the condo that he hated it.

He saw his therapist yesterday and they talked alot about the light therapy lamp (that really seems to me the most important things thats happened to him in the last 8 weeks-not the moving out/divorce/effect on the kids!) I bought him for christmas. He said his therapist had a lot of things to say about it, how it was a bad message to send the kids that their father is broken and needs fixing...

I actually saw it as a loving thing. Our marriage counselor had suggested one and H had even at one point said I should get him one for Christmas(I guess he was joking!)..

Well he is broken and there seems to be no fixing going on. He's still looking outward and blaming everyone(me) for his situation.

I said I really didn't know why we were fighting this morning and I'd rather not see him if this is how it is. He said it was hard to see me..

I feel hate and disgust and still great hurt and sadness.
Part of me wants to email him and have him wake up..but I know he won't so i won't contact him.

Also this morning I asked D12 to at least be civil and speak to her dad at the breakfast but D12 said she hates H and wants to go to a judge to live with me.

I'm not sure what to do there. D12 won't tell her dad how she feels about him-she is scared of his yelling/anger. Its hard to be in the same situation as both of them because of the tension.

Not a great start to the day. I feel like crap.